Bad Jokes

[Ms. Kianna]

There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.

The cucumber said, "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."

The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."

The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!."

 

[lovelumps]

hehe...

Ms. K...

Your joke made me think about this photo my BFF sent me recently. This came from her own kitchen, and she knew I"d get a kick out of it!

 

[Ms. Kianna]

Hmmmmm, I wonder if that pickle tasted like the rest of the jar?

 

[SGVBOB]

Dynamite

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,"What a Great chest you have!"

He tells her,"That's 100 lbs.. of dynamite, Baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,"What massive calves you have!"

The body builder tells her,"That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the
apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes
back on and chases after her..
He catches up to her and asks why
she ran out of the apartment like that?


The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around
all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"

 

[lovelumps]

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,"What a Great chest you have!"

He tells her,"That's 100 lbs.. of dynamite, Baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,"What massive calves you have!"

The body builder tells her,"That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby."

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the
apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes
back on and chases after her..
He catches up to her and asks why
she ran out of the apartment like that?


The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around
all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"

Talk about overcompensation! LMAO Bob!

 

[SGVBOB]

Talk about overcompensation! LMAO Bob!

 

[SGVBOB]

The Horth Whithperer

THE HORTH WHITHPERER



If you don't laugh out loud at this,
you're just not trying!!



A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'
So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly...
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I thould rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

)

 

[balboa]

John Stamos' Guide to Cuddling

Saw this and thought it was too Funny.


http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6582695/john-stamos-guide-to-cuddling

 

[SGVBOB]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________________

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian
__________________________________________________________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
____________________________________________________

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

 

[Markymark]

Thank you Bob for a great laugh. Sounds kinda like my mom, truth be told! LOL!

 

[tampa24]

Saw this and thought it was too Funny.


http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6582695/john-stamos-guide-to-cuddling

I can't believe he even did that video. He's done some gay themed shows before, and some gay friendly public service announcements...but that's really over the top. lol

 

[balboa]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

Bob, that was SO FUNNY! I emailed it to my own stepmom. Thanks, I needed that.

 

[SGVBOB]

Not an original, but still worth posting!

..........So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'

So I replied,
"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice! Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

 

[SGVBOB]

Hmmm....IDK if "I" wanna take credit for that or not, then!! LOL

Bob, that was SO FUNNY! I emailed it to my own stepmom. Thanks, I needed that.

 

[tampa24]

A dumb blonde calls 911 because her house is on fire.

The dispatcher asks, "Where are you ma'am?"

The blonde answers, "In front of my house. Hello!"

Dispatcher: "Well how do we get there?"

Blonde: "In a big red truck. DUUUH!!"

 

[SGVBOB]

• -Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse", he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand & his testicles in the other, ...she takes a close look & says, "There's nothing wrong with them Sir." Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her & says very slowly. "Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully. Are-my-test-re-sults-back??" ~

 

[SGVBOB]

"HI I'm Bob!!"

no explanation needed....just watch!!

http://vimeo.com/25845008

 

[angelone]

Can't get enough of them, bad jokes!

 

[SGVBOB]

Little Red Wagon

>
> A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little
> ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
> The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
> The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
> The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
> 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
> 'Thanks,' the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's
> testicles.
> 'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the
> cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '
> The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
>
>
>

=

 

[slimvintage]

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and put them in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins...

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with enhanced grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red...

Wash entire rest of body with ginger snap and mint julep body wash.

Rinse conditioner out of hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again

Throw wet towel on bed.