Bad Jokes

[Beth]

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and put them in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins...

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with enhanced grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red...

Wash entire rest of body with ginger snap and mint julep body wash.

Rinse conditioner out of hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.


How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again

Throw wet towel on bed.

I knew that fly on the wall was recording us...damn those insects!

 

[larkster]

For those of you who have taken a cruise here are some great liners (and if you haven't, this is what you miss).

1. What do they do with the Ice sculptures after they melt? (Water anyone?).

2. Do the crew sleep on Board? (No we helicopter them on an off nightly.)

3. What time is the midnight buffet? (Dah!)

4. Do these stairs go up as well as down???? (Must have been said by a blond).

5. Does the ship generate its own electricity? (Of course not. They use a long extension cord.)

These were real questions ask on board cruise ships (my answers). If you think you can handle more.............


Live Long and Prosper (and watch out for icebergs),

Vicekid

I guess you would call these Ocean liners

 

[larkster]

Did you hear about the guy that was half Japanese and half Black?

Every Dec 7th he'd attack Pearl Bailey.

 

[Ms. Kianna]

How To Out Run A Bear

Two guys are out hiking when all of a sudden a bear comes out of the woods and starts chasing them.

They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.

The second guy says, "What are you doing?"

He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."

The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear."

The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."

 

[gardenboy]

Heres a few

1. What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take it for a drag

2/ What's green and jumps from bed to bed ?
Lizard Taylor

3. What do you get if you cross a whore with a computer?
A F-------- Know it all

4. Book Title
The Yellow River by I. P. Daily

 

[SGVBOB]

"Black testicles"

A male patient is lying in bed

in the hospital,​

wearing an oxygen mask over his​

mouth and nose,​

still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.​

A young student nurse appears to give him a​

partial sponge bath.​

" Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask ," Are my​

testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies​

" I don't know, sir.​

I'm only here to wash​

your upper body."​

He struggles to ask again,​

" Nurse, are my testiclesblack?" ​

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,​

she overcomes her​

embarrassment and sheepishly​

pulls back the covers.​

She raises his gown, holds his​

penis in one hand and his​

testicles in the other,​

lifting and moving them​

around and around gently.​

Then, she takes a close look and says,​

" No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong​

with them, sir !!"​

The man pulls off his oxygen mask,​

smiles at her and​

says very slowly,​

" Thank you very much. That was​

wonderful, but listen​

very, very closely.....​

​

​

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back ?"​

​

​

-- )





​

 

[SGVBOB]

Two blondes walk into a bar, each orders a drink. They go and sit down and start toasting and cheering, "51 days! 51 days!!" About five minutes later, another blonde walks in, orders a drink, and joins the other two in the cheering. Finally, another blonde walks in with what looks like a cardboard picture. She puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and starts cheering with the others, "51 days! 51 days!! The Bar Tender starts too get really curious, so he walks over to discover that the picture is a Cookie Monster puzzle. He walks over to one of the blondes and asks, "What on earth are you doing??" "Well," the blonde says, "everyone thinks blondes are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On the box of this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!!

 

[SGVBOB]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this
one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

 

[SGVBOB]

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day. One day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.

The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.

The next day, the brunette and the redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims, "NO WAY! Yesterday I almost got caught!"

 

[SGVBOB]

A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her.
Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, 'Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class; I'm afraid you'll have to move.'

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model.'
Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant.
The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, 'I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back.'

The blonde replies, sweetly, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model' -- and shows no signs of moving.
Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class.

Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment.
Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, 'Captain, I'm impressed ... what did you say to her?'
The captain grinned slyly and said, 'I just told her that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York.'

 

[SGVBOB]

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."

Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"

The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.

He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Kellog's
Frosted Flakes back in the box."

 

[Ms. Kianna]

Bob! I feel a little picked on.........

Did you have a run in with a blonde recently?

 

[SGVBOB]

next one's dedicated to you, to show I STILL love you! LOL:


This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co- worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

"Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Oh, yeah, sure," says Bob sheepishly.

"Really? How long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in our bed!"

Bob! I feel a little picked on.........

Did you have a run in with a blonde recently?

 

[another1]

a princess was walking through the forest and came upon a frog. the frog said, princess if you will kiss me i will become a handsome prince. i will take to my castle and introduce you to my mother. you shall see to my need and see to the housekeeping chores .
that night the princess dined on frog's legs and drank a fine wine.
you the princess did play like that.

 

[another1]

a princess was walking through the forest and came upon a frog. the frog said, princess if you will kiss me i will become a handsome prince. i will take to my castle and introduce you to my mother. you shall see to my need and see to the housekeeping chores .
that night the princess dined on frog's legs and drank a fine wine.
you the princess did play like that.

you see the princess didn't play like that.

 

[another1]

i feel like a little kid trying to tell a joke. after the setup and the build up, the punchline is dropped.
i going to try one more.
i don't tell jokes, i tell stories and sometimes people see the humor.

how we are called shapes who we are. peter could be a dick, however, richard is a dick without trying.
man named his son, nosmo. with a name like that he is sure to grow and make the name fit. well little nosmo grew into a fine lad. one day, he ask his father where the name came from. his father said, it came to me as i pass the warehouse one day.
written on the door was your name for all the world to see. NOSMO KING!

 

[JLipps4u]

a princess was walking through the forest and came upon a frog. the frog said, princess if you will kiss me i will become a handsome prince. i will take to my castle and introduce you to my mother. you shall see to my need and see to the housekeeping chores .
that night the princess dined on frog's legs and drank a fine wine.
you the princess did play like that.

Love it! A princess after my own heart!

People ask me why I don't have a boyfriend. I tell them,"no thanks!" That is what they mothers and wives for!

 

[Phantom]

A male patient is lying in bed

in the hospital,





wearing an oxygen mask over his


mouth and nose,
still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.
" Nurse," he mumbles, from behind the mask ," Are my
testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies
" I don't know, sir.
I'm only here to wash
your upper body."
He struggles to ask again,
" Nurse, are my testiclesblack?" ​

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her
embarrassment and sheepishly
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his
penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other,
lifting and moving them
around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says,
" No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong
with them, sir !!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask,
smiles at her and
says very slowly,
" Thank you very much. That was
wonderful, but listen
very, very closely.....​

​

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back ?"​

​

​

-- )





​

I'll have to share this one with some of my coworkers. They're nurses and they will love this.

 

[another1]

listen very, very closely.

 

[another1]

farmer has a boy from city helping for the summer.
farmer gives the boy the chore of feeding the plough horse.
after a short while the farmer hears what sounds like a fog horn.
when he got to where he thought the sound was coming he found getting off the ground. the farmer said son what happened? the boy said well i had the bucket of oats and as lifted his tail i found myself over there and i was trying to inhale. the farmer said, son the oats go in the other that end and the shit comes out end. now if you have a politician the oats go in the same end the shit comes out.