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Bad Jokes
- Thread starter Markymark
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SGVBOB
BSB Addict
Your Husband
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Ms. Kianna
BSB Addict
Killer Biscuit Wanted for Attempted Murder
Lisa Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
People noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both her hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while become concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Lisa's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.
He asked her if she was okay and Lisa replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they got in, they found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit cannister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
Lisa Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
People noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both her hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while become concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Lisa's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.
He asked her if she was okay and Lisa replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head.
When they got in, they found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit cannister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
The Nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and to to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Wel, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
The Nun fainted.
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the Nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."
The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"
Little Johnny said, "Wel, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
The Nun fainted.
Ms. Kianna
BSB Addict
Pinocchio talks to Gepetto:
- Daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with girls.
- You know, my son, I didn’t care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.
After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio:
- Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls?
- Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore.
- Daddy my dick is all jagged and crooked so I have no success with girls.
- You know, my son, I didn’t care too much about that detail, but that should not be a problem. Go to the shop, take a sandpaper and fix it.
After some time, Gepetto asks Pinocchio:
- Well, did you resolve the problem with the girls?
- Daddy, since I got the sandpaper who needs the girls anymore.
kaalaaupuni
Well-known Member
ok, those were funny MsK and David, but I really got a good chuckle out of the nun joke 
Great way to start the morning...(aside from having the weekend off for a change)
Great way to start the morning...(aside from having the weekend off for a change)
slimvintage
BSB Addict
A man is taking a walk in New York's Central park. Suddenly he sees a commotion up ahead, a little girl being attacked by a pit bull. He races over and pulls the dog off the child. It goes for his jugular and there is a terrible, messy, noisy fight, ending in the pit bull's death and the girl's life saved.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, 'You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers, 'Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl'.
The man says, 'But I am not a New Yorker!'
'Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning, "Brave American saves life of little girl",' the policeman answers.
'But I am not an American!' says the man.
'What are you then?'
The guy says 'I'm a Saudi businessman.'
The next day the local headline reads, 'Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.'
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, 'You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers, 'Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl'.
The man says, 'But I am not a New Yorker!'
'Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning, "Brave American saves life of little girl",' the policeman answers.
'But I am not an American!' says the man.
'What are you then?'
The guy says 'I'm a Saudi businessman.'
The next day the local headline reads, 'Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.'
Did you hear about the crossed-eyes school teacher that couldn't control her pupils?
Okay, this one is my all time favorite. I'll have carpel tunnel syndrome before I get it all down, but here goes:
This attorney was out of town on business. He calls home and the maid answered the phone. "Hello, let me speak to my wife, please..." The maid says, "You can't, she is in bed with the next door neighbor." "WHAT!" Screamed the lawyer into the phone. "HOW COULD SHE? I'll tell you what, in the hall closet is my shotgun. Take that shotgun up to the bedroom and shoot the both of them, I'll hold on." After about ten minutes, the maid comes back on the phone huffing and puffling. "Well, I got them, finally. They saw me walk in with the gun and they were running around and they jumped out the window, but I got them, they're floating in the pool." The lawyer said, "Pool? Pool? Is this 555-2963?"
Okay, this one is my all time favorite. I'll have carpel tunnel syndrome before I get it all down, but here goes:
This attorney was out of town on business. He calls home and the maid answered the phone. "Hello, let me speak to my wife, please..." The maid says, "You can't, she is in bed with the next door neighbor." "WHAT!" Screamed the lawyer into the phone. "HOW COULD SHE? I'll tell you what, in the hall closet is my shotgun. Take that shotgun up to the bedroom and shoot the both of them, I'll hold on." After about ten minutes, the maid comes back on the phone huffing and puffling. "Well, I got them, finally. They saw me walk in with the gun and they were running around and they jumped out the window, but I got them, they're floating in the pool." The lawyer said, "Pool? Pool? Is this 555-2963?"
Hee hee!!!
cumrag27
BSB Addict
- Joined
- Mar 10, 2010
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SGVBOB
BSB Addict
The Decision
Subject: The Decision
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "I see you've regained consciousness.
You probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $10,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor continues, "you must decide how many inches you want.
But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.
If you had a five-incher before and get a nine-incher now, she may feel that you were unnecessarily extravagant.
On the other hand, if you had a nine-incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be deeply disappointed.
It's important that she plays a role in the decision.
We insist that we do nothing until you have discussed this with your wife."
The doctor comes back in the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes, I have," says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops!"
(And my Mother wonders WHY I am STILL single!!, YES SHE KNOWS)
Subject: The Decision
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "I see you've regained consciousness.
You probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $10,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor continues, "you must decide how many inches you want.
But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.
If you had a five-incher before and get a nine-incher now, she may feel that you were unnecessarily extravagant.
On the other hand, if you had a nine-incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be deeply disappointed.
It's important that she plays a role in the decision.
We insist that we do nothing until you have discussed this with your wife."
The doctor comes back in the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes, I have," says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops!"
(And my Mother wonders WHY I am STILL single!!, YES SHE KNOWS)
kaalaaupuni
Well-known Member
Gee Bob, that could lead to multiple conclusions...
1) his wife was no longer interested in sex
2) she wouldn't be able to downgrade from a 12" to a 10"
3) she gets her thrills instead from viewing Broke Straight Boys videos
4) he does a great job with the Dildo she got for her birthday...
...
1) his wife was no longer interested in sex
2) she wouldn't be able to downgrade from a 12" to a 10"
3) she gets her thrills instead from viewing Broke Straight Boys videos
4) he does a great job with the Dildo she got for her birthday...
...
Well if elefants can dring with their trunk why not a cute boy drinking with his penis LOL
i2ina69
BSB Addict
Three vampires walk in to a bar.
The bartender asks what will you have.
The youngest asks the bartender for a glass of blood, and the bartender gets the glass of blood.
The 2nd vampire asks for a bloody mary, so the bartender makes him a bloody mary.
Then the bartender asks the 3rd vampire what he'll have to drink. To which he say's I'll have a hot cup of water. and the bartender asks why a hot cup of water.
The 3rd vampire reaches in to his coat pocket and pulls out a used tampon and say's "I'm having tea".
The bartender asks what will you have.
The youngest asks the bartender for a glass of blood, and the bartender gets the glass of blood.
The 2nd vampire asks for a bloody mary, so the bartender makes him a bloody mary.
Then the bartender asks the 3rd vampire what he'll have to drink. To which he say's I'll have a hot cup of water. and the bartender asks why a hot cup of water.
The 3rd vampire reaches in to his coat pocket and pulls out a used tampon and say's "I'm having tea".
SGVBOB
BSB Addict
SGVBOB
BSB Addict
Oh, my... I love it! Thanks!
Oh, my... Thanks for the graphic.
I actually had a recruiter that kept his wife's used tampons in the freezer for a midnight snack. Love the joke it is just not my cup of tea. LOL Oh, my... Thanks for the graphic.
ROFL