Bad Jokes

[Ms. Kianna]

Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the male attendant.

"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."

"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven."

"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.

The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.

"Two!" said the second guy.

"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."

As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."

 

[David43]

The NUN

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring. He replies "I have a question to ask you but I don't wan't to offend you."

She answers "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that i would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."

She responds "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says "Yes, I am single and I am Catholic too."

"Ok" the Nun says "Pull into the next alley."

He does and the Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child" said the Nun "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me Sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The Nun says "That's Ok, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

 

[Markymark]

EXCELLENT David. However, I am concerned. 43 pages ago, I initiated this thread as a place for BAD Jokes. I gave a few examples, and there hasn't been another one since. So, is it that there are no bad jokes, or is it that everyone refuses to tell bad jokes to a good audience? Or were the examples I used actually good ones?

 

[lovelumps]

The NUN

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring. He replies "I have a question to ask you but I don't wan't to offend you."

She answers "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that i would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."

She responds "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says "Yes, I am single and I am Catholic too."

"Ok" the Nun says "Pull into the next alley."

He does and the Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child" said the Nun "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me Sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The Nun says "That's Ok, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

 

[SGVBOB]

gotta LOVE the Aussies!! MATE!

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.



The case came up in court.



The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)

What he had to say for himself.



The man replied,

'Well your Honour, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus,

I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said,

'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time

And sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'



'CASE DISMISSED!!'

 

[lovelumps]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.



The case came up in court.



The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)

What he had to say for himself.



The man replied,

'Well your Honour, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus,

I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said,

'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time

And sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'



'CASE DISMISSED!!'

That's funny, Bob!

 

[slimvintage]

An elderly man hobbles into a Catholic church and makes his way to the confessional box. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody.'

 

[Smiley]

It's Christmastime and the postman is hoping for a nice tip from his customers. He delivers the mail to Harold and Gertrude's house but before he can slip the mail in the slot, there's Gertrude at the open front door, dressed only in a sexy negligee. The postman has always had the hots for Gertie so he accepts her invitation inside. There, right on the floor of the front hall, Gertrude strips the postman, throwing him to the ground, and proceeds to fuck his brains out. Afterward, before he can put all of his clothes back on, Gertie leads him into the kitchen and to a magnificent breakfast set up on the kitchen table. With still no words spoken, Gertrude motions for the postman to sit down and eat, which he does. After a wonderful meal, Gertie clears the table and there, under the postman's plate, is a $1 bill. This is all just too much for the poor postman. He says, "Gertie, don't get me wrong. I appreciate the passionate sex, and breakfast was tremendous, but now, here's a dollar at my place. What's going on? Why all of this? Have you been planning this for a while?"

Gertrude laughs and says, "No, this was mostly Harold's doing. I told him I wanted to give you a nice tip for Christmas. Harold said, 'Fuck the postman. Give him a buck.' Breakfast was my idea."

 

[David43]

Two Coonasses are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The Trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and the Trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver says, "Why'd you do that?"

The Trooper says, "You're in Texas son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The Trooper runs a check on the guy's license and he's clean. Trooper gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The Passenger rolls down the window and the Trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The Passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The Cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The Passenger says, "Huh?"

The Cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, "I wish that son-of-a-bitch would've tried that shit with me!"

 

[David43]

Maria is a devoted, religious girl. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later she dies.

At the funeral, the Priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but which one do you mean? Her and her FIRST husband or her and her SECOND husband?"

The Priest says, "I mean her legs."

 

[Smiley]

The circumcision thread made me think of this joke:

A couple had a new born son and the boy's doctor told them the baby had a weird birth defect. He was born with no eyelids. The muscles and everything were there, just no skin. The doctor said, no problem, with a little plastic surgery, he could create some eyelids for the baby that would look perfect and last the kid a lifetime. He just needed a source of skin. Are you going to have your baby circumcised, the doctor asked? Yes, the couple planned to have that done. The doctor said, we'll just use that skin for your child's new eyelids. The operation went fine, the baby was normal, everything was great...


...except the kid did grow up a bit cockeyed.

 

[Smiley]

Some late night comedian must have already written this joke, but if not, here it is, original from me. Here also goes any chance I'd have at being the new AFLAC duck.


So the Japanese nuclear reactor is leaking high levels of radiation out to sea.

Are they just trying to piss off Godzilla, or what?

 

[Ms. Kianna]

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."

 

[Smiley]

An Easter joke you can tell your minister:

What did Jesus say to the Disciples at the Last Supper?

"Y'all better get on this side of the table if you want to get in the picture."

 

[Ms. Kianna]

Q: Why was the Easter Bunny so upset?

A:He was having a bad hare day!

 

[Ms. Kianna]

Q: How does the Easter Bunny paint all of those eggs?

A:He hires Santa's elves during the off-season.

 

[Markymark]

Funniest cartoon about Easter? South Park explaining the relationship between Easter eggs and the Catholic church. I laughed until I cried!.

 

[wiredog]

Not jokes but love Irish and Scottish Limericks....

There once was a woman named Jill
Who swallowed an exploding pill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And her tits in a palm tree in Brazil


There once was a man from Madrass
Whose balls were made out of brass
When he'd bang 'em together
They'd play stormy weather
And lightning would shoot out of his ass

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If me ear were a cunt Id fuck it

However keeping with the theme here is a joke...

1 day Superman was bored and horny, he was flying along and low and behold there was Wonder woman Sunbathing' on her back Naked. OH superman said I can tap it so quick get a nut and she will never know... So the Flash of lighting speed and a large crack of a Sonic Boom, Wonder woman screech, "WHAT WAS THAT!", "I don’t know" said the Invisible man," But damn if my ass doesn’t hurt!"

 

[rrhill]

Two eggs are boiling in a pot, One says check out my crack? The other says stop teasin I'm not even hard yet!

 

[Smiley]

Two young boys are in the hospital. They're comparing notes.

Boy 1 - What are you in here for?
Boy 2 - I have to get my tonsils out.
Boy 1 - That's not too bad. It's a simple operation and when it's over, you get to eat ice cream.
Boy 2 - What about you? What are in in for?
Boy 1 - I'm here for a circumcision.
Boy 2 - Circumcision?!? You poor guy. I had that done to me when I was a month old and I couldn't walk for a year afterward.