parisnoyd
BSB Addict
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2008
- Posts
- 1,974
- Reaction score
- 0
I'm happy to oblige, Kodie! Where have you been? Have you heard from Ray?
Nice to see you here!
-
CLICK HERE To Join Broke Straight Boys & Instantly Get Full Access To Entire Site & 3 FREE bonus sites.
Bad Jokes
- Thread starter Markymark
- Start date
I'm happy to oblige, Kodie! Where have you been? Have you heard from Ray?
Nice to see you here!
From My Sister...
*The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited
readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by
adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new
definition.* *
**
Here are the winners:*
1.* Cashtration* (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders
the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2.* Ignoranus* : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3.* Intaxicaton* : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.
4.* Reintarnation* : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5.* Bozone* ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that
stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,
unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near
future.
6.* Foreploy* : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the
purpose of getting laid.
7.* Giraffiti* : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8.* Sarchasm* : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and
the person who doesn't get it.
9.* Inoculatte* : To take coffee intravenously when you are
running late.
10.* Osteopornosis* : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)
11.* Karmageddon* : It's like, when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth
explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12.* Decafalon* (n.): The grueling event of getting through the
day consuming only things that are good for you.
13..* Glibido* : All talk and no action.
14.* Dopeler Effect*: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15.* Arachnoleptic Fit* (n.): The frantic dance performed just
after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16.* Beelzebug* (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets
into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17.* Caterpallor* ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a
worm in the fruit you're eating.*
**
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions
to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply
alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:*
1.* Coffee*, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2.* Flabbergasted*, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight
one has gained.
3.* Abdicate*, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4* esplanade*, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5.* Willy-nilly*, adj. Impotent.
6.* Negligent*, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when
wearing only a nightgown.
7.* Lymph*, v. To walk with a lisp.
8.* Gargoyle*, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9.* Flatulence*, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who
has been run over by a steamroller.
10.* Balderdash*, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11.* Testicle*, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12.* Rectitude*, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
13.* Pokemon*, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14.* Oyster*, n.. A person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.
15.* Frisbeetarianism*, n. The belief that, after death, the
soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16.* Circumvent*, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts
worn by Jewish men.
*The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited
readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by
adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new
definition.* *
**
Here are the winners:*
1.* Cashtration* (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders
the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2.* Ignoranus* : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3.* Intaxicaton* : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.
4.* Reintarnation* : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5.* Bozone* ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that
stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer,
unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near
future.
6.* Foreploy* : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the
purpose of getting laid.
7.* Giraffiti* : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8.* Sarchasm* : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and
the person who doesn't get it.
9.* Inoculatte* : To take coffee intravenously when you are
running late.
10.* Osteopornosis* : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)
11.* Karmageddon* : It's like, when everybody is sending off all
these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth
explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12.* Decafalon* (n.): The grueling event of getting through the
day consuming only things that are good for you.
13..* Glibido* : All talk and no action.
14.* Dopeler Effect*: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15.* Arachnoleptic Fit* (n.): The frantic dance performed just
after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16.* Beelzebug* (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets
into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17.* Caterpallor* ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a
worm in the fruit you're eating.*
**
The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions
to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply
alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:*
1.* Coffee*, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2.* Flabbergasted*, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight
one has gained.
3.* Abdicate*, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4* esplanade*, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5.* Willy-nilly*, adj. Impotent.
6.* Negligent*, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when
wearing only a nightgown.
7.* Lymph*, v. To walk with a lisp.
8.* Gargoyle*, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9.* Flatulence*, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who
has been run over by a steamroller.
10.* Balderdash*, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11.* Testicle*, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12.* Rectitude*, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
13.* Pokemon*, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14.* Oyster*, n.. A person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.
15.* Frisbeetarianism*, n. The belief that, after death, the
soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16.* Circumvent*, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts
worn by Jewish men.
Kodieboy
BSB Addict
Whats the differance between Santa Clause and Tiger Woods ...?
Santa Clause stoped at 3 HO's
HO HO HO Everyone .......... Merry xmas from Sunny Australia[/B]
Santa Clause stoped at 3 HO's
HO HO HO Everyone .......... Merry xmas from Sunny Australia[/B]
Kodieboy
BSB Addict
Hey bud how you keeping ...... all well over here .
Hope all is ok and well withy you & horsie ... and stays that way for all
Best wishers always
Hope all is ok and well withy you & horsie ... and stays that way for all
Best wishers always
parisnoyd
BSB Addict
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2008
- Posts
- 1,974
- Reaction score
- 0
They walk among us..........
The Darwin's are out!!!!
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a
finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't
discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives
you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab
some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over
his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store
window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in
the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of
the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied,
"Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man,
frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police
arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor
home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the
motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined
to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
*** Remember....They walk among us!!!***
The Darwin's are out!!!!
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
Here is the glorious winner:
1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a
finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't
discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives
you money, is a crime committed?]
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab
some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over
his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store
window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in
the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of
the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied,
"Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man,
frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police
arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor
home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the
motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined
to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
*** Remember....They walk among us!!!***
parisnoyd
BSB Addict
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2008
- Posts
- 1,974
- Reaction score
- 0
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat .
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to
explain it five times.'
explain it five times.'
parisnoyd
BSB Addict
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2008
- Posts
- 1,974
- Reaction score
- 0
From the Church Bulletin...
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: ' Jesus Walks on the Water. ' The sermon tonight: ' Searching for Jesus. '
--------------------------
Ladies, don ' t forget the rummage sale.. It ' s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ' Hell ' to someone who doesn ' t care much about you.
--------------------------
Don ' t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang ' I will not pass this way again, ' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don ' t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ' What Is Hell? ' Come early and listen to our choir practice
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare ' s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church ' s new campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: ' Jesus Walks on the Water. ' The sermon tonight: ' Searching for Jesus. '
--------------------------
Ladies, don ' t forget the rummage sale.. It ' s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ' Hell ' to someone who doesn ' t care much about you.
--------------------------
Don ' t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang ' I will not pass this way again, ' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don ' t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ' What Is Hell? ' Come early and listen to our choir practice
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare ' s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church ' s new campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".
parisnoyd
BSB Addict
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2008
- Posts
- 1,974
- Reaction score
- 0
Paddy the famous Irishman is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.
Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer, approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing.
Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says, "Fer Chris sakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener !"
Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer, approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing.
Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says, "Fer Chris sakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener !"
Q. Where do you find a one legged dog?
A. Where you left it.
Q. What did the penis say to the condom?
A. Cover me im going in!
Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!
How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
(I feel the need to add a "ba dum chhh" to that)
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken
A. Where you left it.
Q. What did the penis say to the condom?
A. Cover me im going in!
Q. What did one saggy tit say to the other saggy tit?
A. If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!
How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
(I feel the need to add a "ba dum chhh" to that)
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic = using a feather
Kinky = using the whole chicken
joninliverton
BSB Addict
Stephen Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted angle and grazed knees. Apparentley she stood him up...
parisnoyd
BSB Addict
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2008
- Posts
- 1,974
- Reaction score
- 0
Twisted is right. Good one, Jonny!
Ms. Kianna
BSB Addict
Okay Paris,
I can't find any raptor jokes, yet. I'll look for something you can relate to.
What do you call the most flexible dinosaur?...............Tyrannosaurus Flex.
Hey Paris. The new avatar is like the pictures in haunted house on Scooby Doo cartoons. It's eyes are following me!
I can't find any raptor jokes, yet. I'll look for something you can relate to.
What do you call the most flexible dinosaur?...............Tyrannosaurus Flex.
Hey Paris. The new avatar is like the pictures in haunted house on Scooby Doo cartoons. It's eyes are following me!
Ms. Kianna
BSB Addict
Why didn't the T-Rex skeleton attack the museum?.......He had no guts.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars?.......A Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch?.............Tea Rex?
What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?.......Dinosnores.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars?.......A Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch?.............Tea Rex?
What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?.......Dinosnores.
