i2ina69
BSB Addict
Paris, my sides are killing me. Thanx for the great laugh.
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Bad Jokes
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Kodieboy
BSB Addict
An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.
Irishman: ''It's my bloody wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've fooken killed her!''
Operator: ''Please calm down Sir. Can you first make sure she is actually dead!''
*click* . *BANG*
Irishman: ''Okay, I've bloody done that. What next?''
Irishman: ''It's my bloody wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've fooken killed her!''
Operator: ''Please calm down Sir. Can you first make sure she is actually dead!''
*click* . *BANG*
Irishman: ''Okay, I've bloody done that. What next?''
i2ina69
BSB Addict
Good one kodie.
Kodieboy
BSB Addict
Kodieboy
BSB Addict
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:
My wife and I are travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George.After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00.
I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high.I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insised on speaking to the manager.
The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.'But we didn't use them.''Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' .'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply,'But we didn't use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.
I write a cheque and give it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.'
'That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.'
My wife and I are travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George.After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00.
I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high.I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insised on speaking to the manager.
The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.'But we didn't use them.''Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' .'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply,'But we didn't use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.
I write a cheque and give it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.'
'That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.'
parisnoyd
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I was so depressed last night thinking about the poor economy, the wars, jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. that I called Lifeline.
I reached a call center in Pakistan...
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
B*stards!
I reached a call center in Pakistan...
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
B*stards!
parisnoyd
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Very very bad joke...........
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered Me."
"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that.”
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."
The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the Cage Kafig. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."
"What?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"That's what pisses me off. I don't know,” said the parrot. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered Me."
"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that.”
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."
The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the Cage Kafig. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."
"What?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"That's what pisses me off. I don't know,” said the parrot. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."
parisnoyd
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When I went to the bar tonight, I noticed this old boy about 75-80 years sitting all alone in the corner and he was crying over his cocktail.
I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said: "I have a 22 year old lover at home. I met him a month or so ago, right here in this very bar!" He continued; "He makes love to me every morning and then he makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."
I said: "Well, then why are you crying?"
He said: "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then he makes love to me half the afternoon."
I said: "Well, so why are you crying?"
He said: "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then he makes love to me until 2:00 am."
I said: "Well, for goodness sakes! Why in the world would you be CRYING!"
And he said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!"
I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said: "I have a 22 year old lover at home. I met him a month or so ago, right here in this very bar!" He continued; "He makes love to me every morning and then he makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."
I said: "Well, then why are you crying?"
He said: "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then he makes love to me half the afternoon."
I said: "Well, so why are you crying?"
He said: "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then he makes love to me until 2:00 am."
I said: "Well, for goodness sakes! Why in the world would you be CRYING!"
And he said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!"
parisnoyd
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The Indian With One Testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that anymore.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why???
Take a guess!!!
Think about it!!!
Everyone knows...
You can't kill Two Birds with Onestone!!!
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that anymore.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why???
Take a guess!!!
Think about it!!!
Everyone knows...
You can't kill Two Birds with Onestone!!!
parisnoyd
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A young socialite who enjoyed talking about how wealthy she was, and a Southern Lady were traveling companions. Their conversation went something like this:
"When our 1st child was born, my husband bought me a mansion."
The southern lady replied, "well, isn't that precious."
"When our 2nd child was born, my husband bought me a new Mercedes."
The southern lady again replied, "well, isn't that precious."
"When our 3rd child was born, my husband bought me this very expensive bracelet."
The southern lady again replied, "well, isn't that precious."
"What did your husband get you when your 1st child was born," the socialite asked.
"He sent me to charm school" replied the southern lady.
"Why on earth would he send you to charm school" asked the socialite, "and what did you learn there."
"Well, instead of saying WHO GIVES A SHIT, I learned to say WELL, ISN'T THAT PRECIOUS."
"When our 1st child was born, my husband bought me a mansion."
The southern lady replied, "well, isn't that precious."
"When our 2nd child was born, my husband bought me a new Mercedes."
The southern lady again replied, "well, isn't that precious."
"When our 3rd child was born, my husband bought me this very expensive bracelet."
The southern lady again replied, "well, isn't that precious."
"What did your husband get you when your 1st child was born," the socialite asked.
"He sent me to charm school" replied the southern lady.
"Why on earth would he send you to charm school" asked the socialite, "and what did you learn there."
"Well, instead of saying WHO GIVES A SHIT, I learned to say WELL, ISN'T THAT PRECIOUS."
parisnoyd
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These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website, and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middlre of the Pacific which does not...oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint country bordering Ger-man-y, which is oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys' Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forgot its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middlre of the Pacific which does not...oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint country bordering Ger-man-y, which is oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys' Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forgot its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
parisnoyd
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A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to:
'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands
and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Karon and she is so nice. But I
knew that you would not approve of
her because of all her
piercing, tattoos, tight
motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But
it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Karon said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children. Karon has opened my eyes
to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it
for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for
cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure
for AIDS so Karon can get better.
She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Some day
I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your
grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I just wanted to remind you
that there are worse things in life than the report card
that's in my center desk drawer. I love you
Call me when it's safe to come home.
bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to:
'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands
and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Karon and she is so nice. But I
knew that you would not approve of
her because of all her
piercing, tattoos, tight
motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But
it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Karon said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children. Karon has opened my eyes
to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it
for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for
cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure
for AIDS so Karon can get better.
She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Some day
I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your
grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I just wanted to remind you
that there are worse things in life than the report card
that's in my center desk drawer. I love you
Call me when it's safe to come home.
parisnoyd
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WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY
Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
" Happy Birthday."
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss ,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martini's each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
it's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We?"
I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
" Happy Birthday."
I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss ,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"
We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martini's each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
it's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We?"
I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked.
parisnoyd
BSB Addict
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2008
- Posts
- 1,974
- Reaction score
- 0
A gay college English professor reminds his class about the next day's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow," he said. I MIGHT consider something along the lines of a nuclear attack, serious personal injury, or death in your immediate family--but that is it, no other excuses!"
The smart-ass college jock in the back of the classroom raises his hand and asks, "What would you say tomorrow if I told you that I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class bursts out into laughter and snickering.
Once silence has been restored, the professor smiles sympathetically at the jock, shakes his head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you would have to write the exam with your other hand, wouldn't you!"
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow," he said. I MIGHT consider something along the lines of a nuclear attack, serious personal injury, or death in your immediate family--but that is it, no other excuses!"
The smart-ass college jock in the back of the classroom raises his hand and asks, "What would you say tomorrow if I told you that I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class bursts out into laughter and snickering.
Once silence has been restored, the professor smiles sympathetically at the jock, shakes his head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you would have to write the exam with your other hand, wouldn't you!"
More...
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00
apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant
like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known
as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are
known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the
Tennessee Titans?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does
that mean that one enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b.. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the
leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the
liquor store or Hooters
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why
aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a
pianist but a person who drives a race car is not
called a racist?
* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced
"onety one"?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen
defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can
be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,
and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~*
12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they
call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
14. What hair color do they put on the driver's
licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
15. I was thinking about how people seem to read
the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then
it dawned on me, they're cramming for their
final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered
what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
17. Why do they put pictures of
criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailmen can look for
them while they deli ver the mail?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
18. If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
19. You never really learn to swear until you
learn to drive.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning
would be if it didn't zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk
out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
24. At income tax time, did you ever notice:
When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells...
'THEIRS'?
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00
apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant
like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known
as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are
known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the
Tennessee Titans?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does
that mean that one enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b.. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the
leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the
liquor store or Hooters
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why
aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a
pianist but a person who drives a race car is not
called a racist?
* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced
"onety one"?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen
defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can
be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,
and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*~ ~*~*~*~*
12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they
call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
14. What hair color do they put on the driver's
licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
15. I was thinking about how people seem to read
the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then
it dawned on me, they're cramming for their
final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered
what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
17. Why do they put pictures of
criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailmen can look for
them while they deli ver the mail?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
18. If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
19. You never really learn to swear until you
learn to drive.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning
would be if it didn't zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk
out of her nose?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
24. At income tax time, did you ever notice:
When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells...
'THEIRS'?
parisnoyd
BSB Addict
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2008
- Posts
- 1,974
- Reaction score
- 0
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.'
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.'
Kodieboy
BSB Addict
THANKS for the laughs Paris loved them
