Bad Jokes

[Kodieboy]

Man Blonde!




Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blonde haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.


As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'


The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ......


I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.


We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.


Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.



Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.



Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy..


'And here I am.'



Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist

 

[rifle]

A hospital is having a really bad examination by the IRS. The IRS agent is checking the supply room and demands to know what is being done about the waste. What waste asks the hospital administrator? Well, says the IRS agent, at the end of every box of bandages there is one bandage that is not usable. What do you do about it? Well, says the administrator, we save them till the end of the year and return them to the company. They send us a whole new box free. OK says the IRS agent. At the end of every box of plaster of paris you have about a cup you can't use. What do you do about it? Well, says the hospital administrator, we save it till the end of the year and send it back to the company. They send us a box free. OK, says the smart alec IRS agent. And just what exactly do you do with all the foreskins you have left over after the circumcisions? Well, says the hospital administrator, we save them till the end of March and send them to the IRS and then in April they send us an entire prick.

 

[Kodieboy]

heyyyyyy Rifle ....... welcome back stranger...... where have u been

 

[i2ina69]

Rifle, LMAO

 

[baal]

 

[parisnoyd]

Eighteen Double Vodkas

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

 

[parisnoyd]

Pee Pee Instructions

A kindergarten teacher was instructing his class of little boys on how to go to the bathroom.

He gave them the following instructions:

One - unzip your zipper
Two - pull your peepee out
Three - stroke the skin back
Four - take a pee
Five - stroke the skin forward
Six - put it away and zip up the zipper

So the boys go to do their thing and return a few minutes later. The teacher asks the boys, "Where is Danny?"

One of the boys replies "He's still in the bathroom."

So the teacher goes down the hall to the boy's restroom and hears Little Danny saying "three, five, three, five, three, five..."

 

[parisnoyd]

Penance.............

There once was a young man who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional he said, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young man said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young man asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The Priest said "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

 

[parisnoyd]

A little boy goes to the barber-shop with his father. He stands next to the barber chair, while his dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

The barber looks down and says to him, "Hey kid, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

The little boy replies, "Yeah, I know. And I'm gonna get 'em on my armpits too."

 

[parisnoyd]

Mother knows best.........

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate, Mike, was.

She had long been suspicious of John's sexuality and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two men interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mike and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Mike came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find our beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her an e-mail just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mother,

I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."


Several days later, John received an e-mail from his mother which read:

"Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mike, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mike. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom"

 

[parisnoyd]

A man goes to confession in the Catholic Church..."Father, it has been
one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Greene every week for the last month".

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been Two months since my last confession.
I have had sex with Nookie Greene twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Greene?"
"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well, "sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver
his sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop dead gorgeous woman
enters the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church
fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits
down right in front of the Priest! Her dress is green and very
short, with matching shiny sequined emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching
green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Greene?

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies,
"No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

 

[baal]

Love that last one!

 

[parisnoyd]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name, except Viagra. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a "Stiff One". Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:

MOUNT & DO.

 

[parisnoyd]

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed in a dark corner there was a gorilla in a Cage Kafig.

"What's the gorilla for?" He asked the bartender.

"Watch." The bartender took a whip and entered the Cage Kafig. He cracked the whip. The gorilla retreated. He cracked the whip again. The gorilla moved closer. The bartender then pulled down his pants and the gorilla proceed to give him a blow job.

After he came, the bartender left the Cage Kafig and walked back to the customer.

"Wow, that was something."

The bartender smiled. "Do you want to try it?"

"Okay," replied the customer. "But don't whip me too hard."

 

[baal]

 

[angelone]

Baddddd jokes... I must be getting old when I laugh at these kind of jokes.

 

[parisnoyd]

New Boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so,
seeing some on
sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked
back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything
different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied...
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert,
Shoulda bought a hat.'

 

[parisnoyd]

Van Gogh

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ------------------------- --------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------- ------------ Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ------------------------- ---- U Gogh
His magician uncle ------------------------- ------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ------------------------- --------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------- ------------ Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ------------------------- ------- Tang Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin ------------------------- ------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ------------------------- ---------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ------------------------- ------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling . . . There ya Gogh!

 

[wantto]

Awesome jokes Paris...you rock buddy

 

[Kodieboy]

Life summarized in .... 4 bottles

*
*
*
Shit, I am already on the 3rd one!!!