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Bad Jokes
- Thread starter Markymark
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parisnoyd
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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?" He replied: "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.
_________________
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?" He replied: "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.
_________________
parisnoyd
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There were three little old men sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from the other side of the park. The flasher came up to the old men, stood right in front of them, and opened his trench coat.
The first old man immediately had a stroke.
Then, the second old man also had a stroke.
But the third old man, being the eldest and more feeble, couldn't reach that far!
The first old man immediately had a stroke.
Then, the second old man also had a stroke.
But the third old man, being the eldest and more feeble, couldn't reach that far!
i2ina69
BSB Addict
OMG, Ray that's is f***ing funny I can't stop laughing, my eye's are watering. Thank you I needed a good laugh today.
parisnoyd
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While riding one day, a Cowboy met an Indian on the same trail. Riding along side of the Indian was a dog and a sheep. The Cowboy decided to be friendly and start a conversation with the Indian.
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Do you mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Indian: Total look of shock that the dog is talking.
Cowboy: "Is that Indian your owner?", pointing at the Indian.
Dog: "Yep".
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me 3 times a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play!"
Indian: Total look of disbelief.
Cowboy: "Hey Indian, do you mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how is it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Indian: Again, total look of shock that the horse is talking.
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?", pointing at the Indian.
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking! He exercises me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Indian: Total look of utter amazement.
Cowboy: "Hey Indian, mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep a liar."
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Do you mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Indian: Total look of shock that the dog is talking.
Cowboy: "Is that Indian your owner?", pointing at the Indian.
Dog: "Yep".
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me 3 times a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play!"
Indian: Total look of disbelief.
Cowboy: "Hey Indian, do you mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how is it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Indian: Again, total look of shock that the horse is talking.
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?", pointing at the Indian.
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking! He exercises me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Indian: Total look of utter amazement.
Cowboy: "Hey Indian, mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep a liar."
i2ina69
BSB Addict
Ok daaaaaaady.haha sure can I2.......
have to say I do like the leisure centre joke. We do have a lot of sheep over here in relation to the number of people. There is about 4.5 million people across the 2 islands and about 28 millions sheep....haha now you guys are gonna think I have an obsession.....I think I should be quiet now!
parisnoyd
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Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking, bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two BMWs."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I'm not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good at it. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
The three men started talking, bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home - for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two BMWs."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. I'm not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good at it. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
parisnoyd
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A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'
He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'
He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'
parisnoyd
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·She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
·A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
·The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
·No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
·A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
·Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
·Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
·Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head".
·A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
·The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
·In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
·When cannibals ate the missionary, they got a taste of religion.
·A rubber band pistol was confiscated in an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
·The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
·No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
·A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
·Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
·Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
·Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head".
·A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
·The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
·In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
·When cannibals ate the missionary, they got a taste of religion.
i2ina69
BSB Addict
paris, please your killing me. my sides hurt I'm snorting like a pig, I'm laughing so much.
On 2nd thought keep'um cumming.
On 2nd thought keep'um cumming.
A man walks in to a bar with a donkey following him.
He says he will bet anybody that can make the donkey shake it's head.
So one of the bar patrons comes up & says I will take that bet but i need to whisper in the donkey's ear.
The donkey owner thinks this is strange but agrees.
The guy leans down & whispers in the donkey's ear.
Next thing the donkey is shaking his head.
The donkey owner can't believe it but pays up.
He then says he will bet anybody that can make the donkey kick.
So the bar patron says again he will take that bet but this time he says he needs to take the donkey outside.
The donkey owner again thinks this is strange but agrees.
The bar parton leads the donkey outside & a couple of minutes later the bar patron returns along with the donkey that is now kicking.
The owner is amazed but pays up but he says to the bar patron I have to know what you said & did.
Owner - "What did you whisper to the donkey to make hime shake his head?"
Patron - "I asked the donkey if he would like to exchange cocks at which point the donkey shook his head"
The owner was shocked.
Owner - "Ok then what did you do to make the donkey kick?"
Patron - "When I took him outside I dropped my pants & showed him mine & he has been kicking himself ever since"
He says he will bet anybody that can make the donkey shake it's head.
So one of the bar patrons comes up & says I will take that bet but i need to whisper in the donkey's ear.
The donkey owner thinks this is strange but agrees.
The guy leans down & whispers in the donkey's ear.
Next thing the donkey is shaking his head.
The donkey owner can't believe it but pays up.
He then says he will bet anybody that can make the donkey kick.
So the bar patron says again he will take that bet but this time he says he needs to take the donkey outside.
The donkey owner again thinks this is strange but agrees.
The bar parton leads the donkey outside & a couple of minutes later the bar patron returns along with the donkey that is now kicking.
The owner is amazed but pays up but he says to the bar patron I have to know what you said & did.
Owner - "What did you whisper to the donkey to make hime shake his head?"
Patron - "I asked the donkey if he would like to exchange cocks at which point the donkey shook his head"
The owner was shocked.
Owner - "Ok then what did you do to make the donkey kick?"
Patron - "When I took him outside I dropped my pants & showed him mine & he has been kicking himself ever since"
i2ina69
BSB Addict
good one Ray
parisnoyd
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Ray! LOLOL!!
parisnoyd
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parisnoyd
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another bad joke in the house
What is the difference between a tyre and 365 condoms...?
One's a Good Year and the other's a fuckin good year!!!
I should say! LOL!
Kodieboy
BSB Addict
Kodieboy
BSB Addict
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day... Anon!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?
---------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
'good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Oklahoma's new construction program!
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That' s what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
---------------------------- ---------------------------------------
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is ...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
***************************************************
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day... Anon!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?
---------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
'good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Oklahoma's new construction program!
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That' s what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
---------------------------- ---------------------------------------
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is ...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
***************************************************
Kodieboy
BSB Addict
DIFFERENT WAYS LOOKING AT THINGS
(Or the uncertainty of the English language)
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
---------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
---------------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
----------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
----------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits.. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in intensive care.
....................
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
(Or the uncertainty of the English language)
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
---------------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
---------------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
---------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
----------------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
----------------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
----------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
------------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits.. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in intensive care.
....................
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
