Bad Jokes

[wantto]

haha sure can I2.......

have to say I do like the leisure centre joke. We do have a lot of sheep over here in relation to the number of people. There is about 4.5 million people across the 2 islands and about 28 millions sheep....haha now you guys are gonna think I have an obsession.....I think I should be quiet now!

 

[tampa24]

Thanks for those contributions Kodieboy and Wantto! LOL

 

[slimvintage]

Signs in English from Around the World

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES ..

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

I was really young, travelling steerage from Marseilles, when I arrived on this blessed isle. There were several guys touting services and accommodation on the jetty, but the best one was a kid about my age with a big square sign hung around his neck and a hopeful look in his eye. I took the card he offered me and slept the first night here in the accommodation he was advertising:

"Stay at the butefull Hotel Saratoga
Like feeling yourself in your own home"​

 

[baal]

One of the straight roommates just told me a great joke: Of course god intended man to eat pussy. If he didn't then why does it look like a taco and smell like fish?

 

[parisnoyd]

One of the straight roommates just told me a great joke: Of course god intended man to eat pussy. If he didn't then why does it look like a taco and smell like fish?

They look like a canoe, and don't all smell like fish..............

 

[baal]

I worked in a deli in high school and to me it looks like someone tried to put the bologna through the slicer sideways...

 

[Kodieboy]

and just to show i can take the piss out of kiwi's too


"what do you call a sheep tied to a fence in new zealand?"

" a leisure centre"!!!

lmao ....... Very very funny

 

[Kodieboy]

Hey there guys

These aren't necessarily bad haha perhaps more bad taste with all the problems on QANTAS flights lately....but kind of amusing though!!!

Apparently after every flight Qantas pilots fill out a form which is called a 'gripe sheet'. It tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. Who would have thought it eh..Aussie's having a sense of humour!!!
You guys need to remember that QANTAS have never crashed !!!!!


Pilots: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacing.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

Pilots: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilots: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilots: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilots: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilots: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilots: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what they're for.

Pilots: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilots: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilots: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilots: Target radar hums
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilots: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

my favourite Qantas joke...

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel which sounds like a midget pounding on something with a small hammer.
Engineers: Took small hammer away from midget

SLAPPPPP ...... stop picking on Qantas
Dont make me get the fish out lol

 

[Kodieboy]

How fights start ...... LOL

How the fight started . . . .
How the fight started
My wife sat down on the sofa next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...


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My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....


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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 1 year replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...


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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY !!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....


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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...


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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...


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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...


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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...


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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...


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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started........

 

[wantto]

hey Kodie

Haha hang fire with the fish.....although yes I did take advantage of QANTAS..I was very careful to place something takin the piss out of us Kiwi's first .......and hey I could have mentioned the Ashes or the Bledisloe cup but I didn't hahaha....... you have the fish in your hand now don't you!!

 

[Kodieboy]

hey Kodie

Haha hang fire with the fish.....although yes I did take advantage of QANTAS..I was very careful to place something takin the piss out of us Kiwi's first .......and hey I could have mentioned the Ashes or the Bledisloe cup but I didn't hahaha....... you have the fish in your hand now don't you!!

 

[wantto]

that could be a new fetish Kodie...Fish Slappin!!!

I like it!

 

[baal]

Pop Quiz!

 

[parisnoyd]

All of the above. That Rick is a loyal guy.....

 

[wantto]

we actually pinned that to the desk of our boss at work, he did not see the funny side!!!!

 

[baal]

You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him think...

 

[wantto]

Haha...that is so true baal.....we wouldn't mind but he is the one with Rick Astley on his IPod!!!!

 

[wantto]

another bad joke in the house

What is the difference between a tyre and 365 condoms...?

One's a Good Year and the other's a fuckin good year!!!

 

[parisnoyd]

Prof. Dickinson was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when he turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the Prof., "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said Dickinson. "How about nuclear power?" and he smiles.

"OK", she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet deer excrete little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

Prof. Dickinson, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the little girl replies. "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?"

 

[parisnoyd]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star.'

Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, 'What's your name?'

The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.'

'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'

'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER...The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awestruck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

'Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke'