-
CLICK HERE To Join Broke Straight Boys & Instantly Get Full Access To Entire Site & 3 FREE bonus sites.
Bad Jokes
- Thread starter Markymark
- Start date
Kodieboy
BSB Addict
Love
A man was sitting on the settee watching TV when he heard his wife’s voice from the kitchen.
“What would you like for dinner Love ? Chicken, beef or lamb ?”
He said, “Thank you, I’ll have chicken.”
“Shut up. You’re having soup. I was talking to the cat.”
A man was sitting on the settee watching TV when he heard his wife’s voice from the kitchen.
“What would you like for dinner Love ? Chicken, beef or lamb ?”
He said, “Thank you, I’ll have chicken.”
“Shut up. You’re having soup. I was talking to the cat.”
Markymark
BSB Addict
Then the cat spoke up, "Do we have to eat with him? He's such a pig!"
Kodieboy
BSB Addict
Shipwrecked
A Newfie was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a
sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he
realized they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there
awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the
beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds,
the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they
sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely
Newfie. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the
man took his arm away from around the sheep. After that, the three of
them continued to enjoy the sunsets together. but there was no more
cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman
the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her
and he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was
well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was
another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle
breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Newfie started to
get 'those feelings' again.... He fought the urges as long as he could, but
he finally gave in and, realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over
to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind
taking the dog for a walk...?"
A Newfie was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a
sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he
realized they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there
awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the
beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds,
the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they
sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely
Newfie. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the
man took his arm away from around the sheep. After that, the three of
them continued to enjoy the sunsets together. but there was no more
cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman
the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her
and he slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was
well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was
another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle
breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Newfie started to
get 'those feelings' again.... He fought the urges as long as he could, but
he finally gave in and, realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over
to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind
taking the dog for a walk...?"
Kodieboy
BSB Addict
Three men married wives from different states.
Three men married wives from different states.
The first man married a woman from Michigan He told her that she was to do
the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third
day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Missouri He gave his wife orders
that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day
he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the
third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was
a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Wisconsin . He ordered her to keep the
house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on
the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything,
the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the
swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and
his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load
the dishwasher.
Three men married wives from different states.
The first man married a woman from Michigan He told her that she was to do
the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third
day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Missouri He gave his wife orders
that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day
he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the
third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was
a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Wisconsin . He ordered her to keep the
house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on
the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything,
the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the
swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and
his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load
the dishwasher.
Kodieboy
BSB Addict
Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And Finally.......................
In Australia, they hung up, because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And Finally.......................
In Australia, they hung up, because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.
Kodieboy
BSB Addict
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "dumb ass" afterwards."
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "dumb ass" afterwards."
Kodieboy
BSB Addict
An Obituary printed in the London Times
An Obituary printed in the London Times...... Interesting and sadly rather true.
'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home as the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents Truth and Trust, his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
An Obituary printed in the London Times...... Interesting and sadly rather true.
'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home as the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents Truth and Trust, his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, I'm A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
Because of the death and destruction in previous earthquakes, the United Nations has come up with a plan to help Mexico to deal in event of another. England will be sending money. France will be sending food? The United States? We'll be sending replacement Mexicans...
LOL. Nice come back Marky Mark.
Markymark
BSB Addict
So, what do you have if your pet snake won't eat his food?
A Reptile Dysfunction.
A Reptile Dysfunction.
Hummmm! I wonder how cialis or viagra would work to cure that. LOL. Maybe Marinol might help there. Eh!
Kodieboy
BSB Addict
Signs in English from Around the World
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES ..
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge , Norway :
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok :
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi :
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES ..
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel , Yugoslavia :
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel , Japan :
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich :
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome :
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Kodieboy
BSB Addict
Cowboy rules for:
Arizona, Texas , Colorado , Oklahoma , New Mexico , Wyoming , Montana , Utah , Idaho, Nevada
and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:
1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road..' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle.. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10, I-40, I-70 and I-80 go east and west, I-17, I-5, I-15, I-25 and I-35 goes north and south.. Pick one and go.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're not impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept...
7.. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during the hunts, we WILL shoot it outa your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah.. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah . . We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.
16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!
A true Westerner will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends that probably won't get it, but we're friendly so we share in hopes you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!!!
Arizona, Texas , Colorado , Oklahoma , New Mexico , Wyoming , Montana , Utah , Idaho, Nevada
and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:
1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.
3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road..' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle.. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-10, I-40, I-70 and I-80 go east and west, I-17, I-5, I-15, I-25 and I-35 goes north and south.. Pick one and go.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're not impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept...
7.. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during the hunts, we WILL shoot it outa your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah.. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah . . We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.
16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!
A true Westerner will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends that probably won't get it, but we're friendly so we share in hopes you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!!!
wantto
Well-known Member
Hey there guys
These aren't necessarily bad haha perhaps more bad taste with all the problems on QANTAS flights lately....but kind of amusing though!!!
Apparently after every flight Qantas pilots fill out a form which is called a 'gripe sheet'. It tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. Who would have thought it eh..Aussie's having a sense of humour!!!
You guys need to remember that QANTAS have never crashed !!!!!
Pilots: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacing.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
Pilots: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Pilots: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.
Pilots: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.
Pilots: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Pilots: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.
Pilots: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what they're for.
Pilots: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.
Pilots: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Pilots: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Pilots: Target radar hums
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Pilots: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.
my favourite Qantas joke...
Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel which sounds like a midget pounding on something with a small hammer.
Engineers: Took small hammer away from midget
These aren't necessarily bad haha perhaps more bad taste with all the problems on QANTAS flights lately....but kind of amusing though!!!
Apparently after every flight Qantas pilots fill out a form which is called a 'gripe sheet'. It tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. Who would have thought it eh..Aussie's having a sense of humour!!!
You guys need to remember that QANTAS have never crashed !!!!!
Pilots: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacing.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
Pilots: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Pilots: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.
Pilots: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.
Pilots: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Pilots: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.
Pilots: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what they're for.
Pilots: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.
Pilots: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Pilots: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Pilots: Target radar hums
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Pilots: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.
my favourite Qantas joke...
Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel which sounds like a midget pounding on something with a small hammer.
Engineers: Took small hammer away from midget
wantto
Well-known Member
and just to show I can take the piss out of Kiwi's too
"What do you call a sheep tied to a fence in New Zealand?"
" A Leisure centre"!!!
"What do you call a sheep tied to a fence in New Zealand?"
" A Leisure centre"!!!
Hey there guys
These aren't necessarily bad haha perhaps more bad taste with all the problems on QANTAS flights lately....but kind of amusing though!!!
Apparently after every flight Qantas pilots fill out a form which is called a 'gripe sheet'. It tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. Who would have thought it eh..Aussie's having a sense of humour!!!
You guys need to remember that QANTAS have never crashed !!!!!
Pilots: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacing.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
Pilots: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
Pilots: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.
Pilots: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.
Pilots: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Pilots: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.
Pilots: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what they're for.
Pilots: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.
Pilots: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Pilots: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Pilots: Target radar hums
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
Pilots: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.
my favourite Qantas joke...
Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel which sounds like a midget pounding on something with a small hammer.
Engineers: Took small hammer away from midget
Sound like those boys at boeing.
parisnoyd
BSB Addict
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2008
- Posts
- 1,974
- Reaction score
- 0
i2ina69
BSB Addict
kodieboy & wantto I'm sure you can here me laughing.
