Kodieboy
BSB Addict
Bad spellers of the world untie.
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Bad Jokes
- Thread starter Markymark
- Start date
Kodieboy
BSB Addict
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station..
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station..
Kodieboy
BSB Addict
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Kodieboy
BSB Addict
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Kodieboy
BSB Addict
THESE 16 POLICE COMMENTS WERE TAKEN OFF ACTUAL POLICE CAR VIDEOS AROUND THE COUNTRY:
#16. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
#15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them awhile."
#14. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired"
#12. "Can you run faster than 2700 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K I'm warning you not to do that again, or I'll give you another ticket!"
#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in donkey poop."
#6. "Yeah we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4. "How big were those just two beers you say you had?"
#3. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want to."
#2. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS.....
#1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Please sign here.
#16. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
#15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them awhile."
#14. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired"
#12. "Can you run faster than 2700 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K I'm warning you not to do that again, or I'll give you another ticket!"
#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in donkey poop."
#6. "Yeah we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4. "How big were those just two beers you say you had?"
#3. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want to."
#2. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS.....
#1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Please sign here.
Kodieboy
BSB Addict
These were actual headlines In various newspapers. Scary!
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?
------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------ ------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
------- - ---------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
***************************************************
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?
------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------ ------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
------- - ---------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
***************************************************
Kodieboy
BSB Addict
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.
"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."
"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."
"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."
"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."
"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."
"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."
Kodieboy
BSB Addict
Paddy's fingers
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in Cork's hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.
Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'
'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2009! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'
And Paddy said. .
'How da f@#@#@ was I 'spose to pick them up!!!
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in Cork's hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.
Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'
'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2009! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'
And Paddy said. .
'How da f@#@#@ was I 'spose to pick them up!!!
Markymark
BSB Addict
What do you call a young gayling in a room of aroused football players?
A babe lost in the woods!
A babe lost in the woods!
Kodieboy
BSB Addict
Kodieboy
BSB Addict
Yes... another blonde joke...
Yes... another blonde joke...
A Virgin flight was on its way to Melbourne when a Blonde in Economy Class gets up & moves to the First Class section and sits down
The Flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her
ticket.
She then tells the Blonde passenger that she will have to return to her Economy
seat.
The Blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that
there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and
won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid
for economy, she is only entitled to an Economy seat and she will have to return
to her original seat.
The Blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no
use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest
the Blonde who won't listen to reason.
'You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak
blonde!'
The pilot goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says,
'Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea', gets up and moves back to her seat in
Economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her
move without any fuss.
The pilot replied, 'I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne '.
Yes... another blonde joke...
A Virgin flight was on its way to Melbourne when a Blonde in Economy Class gets up & moves to the First Class section and sits down
The Flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her
ticket.
She then tells the Blonde passenger that she will have to return to her Economy
seat.
The Blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that
there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and
won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid
for economy, she is only entitled to an Economy seat and she will have to return
to her original seat.
The Blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no
use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest
the Blonde who won't listen to reason.
'You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak
blonde!'
The pilot goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says,
'Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea', gets up and moves back to her seat in
Economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her
move without any fuss.
The pilot replied, 'I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne '.
Markymark
BSB Addict
What's the difference between how a Northern Fairy Tale and a Southern Fairy tale begin?
A Northern Fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time"
and a Southern Fairy tale begins......
"Y'all ain't gonna believe dis shit"
A Northern Fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time"
and a Southern Fairy tale begins......
"Y'all ain't gonna believe dis shit"
Kodieboy
BSB Addict
ooooooowww warrrrrrrrr
Kodieboy
BSB Addict
Not a bad joke
Dave was attending his biker club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.
After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow biker buddies Dave left to go back home to his wife.
When Dave's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Dave sitting in front of his bike, tent up, beer in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.
"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Dave?" "I didn't have to" was Dave's reply.
"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"
When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."
.
So here I am!
Dave was attending his biker club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.
After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow biker buddies Dave left to go back home to his wife.
When Dave's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Dave sitting in front of his bike, tent up, beer in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.
"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Dave?" "I didn't have to" was Dave's reply.
"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"
When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want."
.
So here I am!
parisnoyd
BSB Addict
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2008
- Posts
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1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path.
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids.
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack!
22. HowAre a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path.
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids.
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack!
22. HowAre a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.
Kodieboy
BSB Addict
oooooooh thank heavan's i didnt think that was ever going to end.
parisnoyd
BSB Addict
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2008
- Posts
- 1,974
- Reaction score
- 0
