Bad Jokes

[Jayman01]

A man in his 90's, for a Special Birthday Gift from his Grandsons, is sent a Stripper to his home to entertain him. After she rings the bell of his home, she informs him that his grandsons sent her as a special birthday gift, to provide her services. The grandfather asks her, " What do you do?" She said ,"I can provide you "Sup-er Sex". “He says, “Look, I'm 98 years old, I'll take the Soup!"

 

[Jayman01]

The New “Stimulus” Package
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”

The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”

The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”

“Done!” replies the government official.

 

[Jayman01]

Hair Cut Mystery
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says, “About 2 hours.” The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, “About 3 hours.” The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and half.”

The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, “Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn’t come back.”

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, “Bill, where did he go when he left here?”

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, “Your house!”

 

[Jayman01]

I wish more attourneys were as smart as these.

The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records:


Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you can identify me.”
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That’s me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I’ll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.”

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary’s Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

Pretty smart Eh!. Here is your sign!

 

[Jayman01]

A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the
second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and
absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An
elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly. The
passerby asks,
"Who's in your upstairs room?"
The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."
The passerby hands him the used condom and says,
"Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"

 

[Jayman01]

A little boy came into the house and said to his little sister, "Guess what, I found a used condom underneath the magnolias."
His little sister looker up and said, "What's a magnolia?"

 

[Jayman01]

This Indian goes into a drug store and tells the pharmacist that he has too
many youngins. He asks if there is anything he can take for it. The pharmacist
puts some rubbers on the counter and says try these. The Indian leaves happy.
The next day, the Indian walks up to the counter and throws the remaining
rubbers at the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks what happened. The Indian just
looks at him and says, "Left nut go UGH. Right nut go UGH. Rubber go BANG!!"
The pharmacist looks suprised and gets some extra heavy duty Trojans and hands
them to him and suggests he try these.
The next day, the Indian comes back in and throws the remaining rubbers at
the pharmacist. The suprised pharmacist asks what happened this time? The
Indian just looks at him and says, "Left nut go UGH. Right nut go UGH. Rubber
go BANG!" The pharmacist thinks for a while. He says wait here and I'll be
right back. He goes out back and gets an old Tire tube and sews a rubber out of
it. He gives this to the Indian and says to try it. The Indian looks at it and
agrees it will work.
The next day, the Indian comes into the store moaning and limping! The
pharmacist goes up to him and helps him to a seat. He then asks the Indian what
happened. The Indian looks at him and says, "Left nut go UGH! RUBBER go UGH!
RIGHT NUT GO _BANG_!!!"

 

[N2DP2QT]

A little boy and a little girl, both about six years old, were playing in the sandbox.

Unexpectedly, the little boy farts, causing a little sand between his legs to shift.

The little girl notices, and squeals with laughter. "How'd you do that,"

"Easy," , "I just farted.

"Can I try it,"

"Sure," he said, "anybody can do it."

She concentrates as she strains and grunts. Suddenly, there's a huge explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out, and the little boy is thrown 20 feet, landing up against a tree.

He gets to his feet, runs back to where the little girl is.

He finds her laying on the ground, out cold, spread eagle
he lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims,

"Just what I thought, dual exhaust."

 

[Kodieboy]

 

[Jayman01]

A little boy and a little girl, both about six years old, were playing in the sandbox.

Unexpectedly, the little boy farts, causing a little sand between his legs to shift.

The little girl notices, and squeals with laughter. "How'd you do that,"

"Easy," , "I just farted.

"Can I try it,"

"Sure," he said, "anybody can do it."

She concentrates as she strains and grunts. Suddenly, there's a huge explosion, the sides of the sandbox fly off, all the sand flies out, and the little boy is thrown 20 feet, landing up against a tree.

He gets to his feet, runs back to where the little girl is.

He finds her laying on the ground, out cold, spread eagle
he lifts up her dress, peeks underneath, and loudly exclaims,

"Just what I thought, dual exhaust."

LOL. That is too funny

 

[Umbro_nl]

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

 

[Jayman01]

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

I have always loved that one....

 

[Kodieboy]

Ridem Cowboy



The local yokel got married and his honeymoon was the first time he'd been off the farm.

He'd saved for twenty years for this, so could afford a classy hotel.

Checking in he said "Me and the new WIFE would like to hire your best room for a week"

"Certainly sir" replied the receptionist. "Would you like the Bridal"?

The yokel looked a bit uncertain, then said "Naw, reckon not, a'll just hang onto her ears 'til a get the hang of it"

 

[Kodieboy]

Sex in the dark


A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."

The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

 

[Kodieboy]

The Two Priests


Two priest's were taking a piss in the urinals one day and the one priest looks down and see's a nicotine patch on the other guy's dick. He says "Im not really a rocket scientist or anything, but, isnt that supposed to be on your arm?" And the other priest goes "Nah, it's working fine. Im down to two butts a day"!

 

[Jayman01]

The Two Priests


Two priest's were taking a piss in the urinals one day and the one priest looks down and see's a nicotine patch on the other guy's dick. He says "Im not really a rocket scientist or anything, but, isnt that supposed to be on your arm?" And the other priest goes "Nah, it's working fine. Im down to two butts a day"!

Cute.

 

[Kodieboy]

Well i wasnt putting it in the gay joke chat............... he could be a rock spider ,or all i know.

And they arent gay just sick so and so

so i put it in here
cant trust a lot of priests

 

[Kodieboy]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other -- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's Empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace; But don't take that paper bag off your face..

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING


I myself really love numbet 5

 

[Kodieboy]

Wise words

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.



Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!



Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.



Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.



Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.



Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.



Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.



Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.



Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.



Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.



Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.



Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.


DARNNNNNNN Posted in wrong thread ....ooh well worst things will happen in the world

 

[N2DP2QT]

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a

great chest you have." He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite".

He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves

you have." The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the

apartment screaming in fear. He puts his clothes back on

and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the

apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that

dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"