Is the word 'faggot' offensive or not???

[joninliverton]

I like your interpretation SWM, but as you said, its okay amongst friends and lifestyles but I wouldn't be too offended if a stranger called me one, 'cos I am one after all. Best turn the other cheek and smile. x

 

[Jayman01]

Wow, JWGlass that is a lot to bare.

I am about to share an awesome bit of ancient wisdom with you. It is not my intention, mind you, to change your mind on this subject. I wish to impart an ancient teaching that goes back to the emerald tablet circa 3,000 BC. "As above, So, below. As within, So, without." This is known as the great secret of life.

Essentially, our perception becomes our reality. What ever the mind can conceive it can achieve. This can also work in reverse as well. If we project negative thoughts or allow ourselves to succumb to our fears and we actually manifest those things into our lives. When we focus on not having enough wealth or money for example we attract more untold circumstances to our lives that deplete our financial resources. When we focus on a skin blemish that we feel is unsightly we attract more of them into our lives. You see the Universe is like a Great Genie. We ask and we receive. We essentially create our own reality. We can all manifest the things we want or need into our lives. We must first visualize having what we want or need already and then feel the love and gratitude for receiving it. It is important to stay positive. In my money example above when the person is focusing on their debt; the great Genie of the Universe says, "Your wish is my command." and, poof!, we get more debt. Also, when we ask we must be willing to receive and have an attitude of gratitude when we do receive. Anyone can go here and learn more if they want to. http://thesecret.tv/

I guess in short what I am saying is that I really do see your point and I respect it very much. To perceive that word the way you do; I can tell you have endured a lot of pain in association with that terrible word. No one should have to endure such great pain. I choose to not use the word out of respect because I am not really sure how this word will affect others.

Conversely, my own personal belief is that it is just a word to me and the only power it holds is the power I give it. Again, it is only out of respect for others feelings that I choose to do my best not to use the word unless necessary.

JW Glass it takes a lot to put your self and your vulnerabilities out here like you did on the Forum. I hope you realize how much stronger you have grown just by coming to and facing this thread head on... My hat is off to you dear sir.

 

[cumrag27]

I'm in the mood for...

i guess my point is that if youre going to use the word with someone, know them well enough to know whether or not it will hurt them. some of us arent as strong as you. i am not strong. behind my words of sarcasm and strength is a weak, insecure boy, so when i hear that word, it breaks my heart.

Dear Jwglass,

Having experienced precisely the "hate" and the fact that putting someone else down takes off the pressure the name caller was feeling at the time by spotlighting someone lower than himself. For most of my life, I have taken things very personally and been reminded many, many times of my propensity for this and then, being greeted totally without empathy for my unique life experiences leading me up to this point in time. Throughout high school, I was convinced I was "the most hated person in my class and school of some 450 students" and merely the expectation of some classmate returning any sense of their friendship to me was too great a sacrifice for them to make, much less for me to expect!" If I had a dollar for all of the hours I spend stewing over exactly who I had offended or what exactly they thought I had done warranting this hateful response coming from them, I would be on my yacht off the coast of some hedonistic retreat awaiting my visit. Instead, I find myself on this forum once again!

My feelings of worthlessness had its earliest beginnings with my father's frequent rantings (verbal abuse) and his inability to understand civilian life (Career Army man). When he would go full-tilt into a rage, even if it was aimed at my older sister (by 2 years), I would none-the-less internalize it the same as if he was terrorizing me again by aiming his deadly speech at me. Typically, I would then begin crying regardless of my actual complicity.

It is so very easy to stand back and state with some objectivity how this should or should not be processed in your mind without knowing the mental/emotional context that has accumulated during your upbringing. To say there are better ways to handle such things is a "given" in that rarely in life are things dealt with in the best possible way. And then, who is to be the judge of what the best possible way is? Personally? or Across-the-board? I find few universal truths in life when dealing with one's personality.

There may be more ideal ways of handling these verbally abusive situations, but your innermost being must be able to intervene on your behalf processing the moment objectively and devoid of your emotions. True "verbal abuse" makes it all the more difficult for you to be in control of your own mental state. For those capable of doing thusly, I say "Go for the Gold"! Not all of us are equally ready, however, for the Olympics at any given moment.

Human emotions all play their role, even at the cost of efficiency. It all depends on your individual wiring as to how your unique interpretations rule your life. Speaking for myself only, I am truly a person that is guided by and believes fully in the wisdom of my emotions as my internal compass (my GPS of sorts). It is just as authentic for me to value my emotions as, on the other hand, someone else being more tied to their rational side.

Rather than neutralize the offending word by empowering it into regular parlance (which is akin to prolonging the pain even further), I would much prefer to have the injured party ask themself..."Exactly how really important is the person to them and what value do they assign that person's opinion? Are they merely an acquaintance vs. someone you know extremely well and value their opinion highly?

Frequently, the same word(s) mean different things, depending on its source and the context (the relationship shared with me). Over time, I have found this easier to gauge the depth of friendship I have for the offending person in assigning the level of injury.

In summary, I am not a "human seismograph" plotting all subterranean vibrations independent of my human emotions and my mood. Sometimes, I can be detached assuming their motives and other times I can get totally caught off guard and then be really hurting. My mood plays a major role in my interpretation of the event.

 

[Virgin34]

What the word means to me.

The word Faggot doesnt bother me I have heard it since grade school. I was put on this earth as a Faggot. I can use the word and other gay people can use the word you know kind of like the "n" word, but if some hetero uses it I give them a real nasty look. I just cant hold back the look it just appears on my face. I do think socially the word isnt used as much as it did when I was in school. Like when I was in drama class about to go on stage the assholes in class would say "Fag In Action" that is what they called me for years until they started calling me PsychoFag, but that is a different story.

 

[LoganBroad]

It is annoying when it comes from somebody who is not a friend. Very annoying if it comes from a straight stranger. But I don't get bent out of shape because I can call him/her the son/daughter of a cock sucking whore. Free speech, don't ya just love it.

 

[SGVBOB]

I am not a 'TRUE" etymologist by profession, however, I LOVE words like these that have multiple meanings, another being 'dyke', 'bitch' 'queer'. It fascinates me, to no end, how "J.Q. Public" can twist the syntax of a word/phrase/sentence, by using such words, and the 'second party-(the one being spoken to'), often mistakes it's meaning/takes it out of context, as an insult/derogatory comment!

 

[Jayman01]

LOL, very well said SGVBOB. It was also part of the reason I started this thread. I thought it would be interesting to see how the majority of forumites felt about the word in general and I thought it could be a therapeutic avenue for others to vent and voice their concerns and frustrations. The ultimate goal was to be able to learn about this word from different perspectives. It doesn't matter what brings us to this thread or discussion. What really matters is what we leave with.

 

[SGVBOB]

LOL, very well said SGVBOB. It was also part of the reason I started this thread. I thought it would be interesting to see how the majority of forumites felt about the word in general and I thought it could be a therapeutic avenue for others to vent and voice their concerns and frustrations. The ultimate goal was to be able to learn about this word from different perspectives. It doesn't matter what brings us to this thread or discussion. What really matters is what we leave with.

I TOTALLY agree, Jayman!

 

[cumrag27]

LIL, very well said SGVBOB. It was also part of the reason I started this thread. I thought it would be interesting to see how the majority of forumites felt about the word in general and I thought it could be a therapeutic avenue for others to vent and voice their concerns and frustrations. The ultimate goal was to be able to learn about this word from different perspectives. It doesn't matter what brings us to this thread or discussion. What really matters is what we leave with.

Dear Jayman01,

As a respondant to your thread, I want to thank you for raising the level of interaction and serious discussion above the belt, so to speak. I truly subscribe to the notion that our biggest sex organ is our brain, and like any organ it needs regular daily exercising. Seeing others post their perspectives on this "f word" has been both thought provoking and illuminating. If you have more ideas for future threads, please throw it out and see what develops.

Thanks again!

 

[Jayman01]

Thank you Cumrag. I will when the time is right... However, I encourage everyone to do this too. Facing our fears only makes us stronger. Threads like this give all of us an insight into ourselves as well as other people.

Let me share this with you. My background is in public health: epidemiology, education, awareness, wellness, health promotions, and prevention.

Strangely enough, everyone says that their health is important to them. However when is comes down to making a choice of saving money for a gym membership, spending money on healthy eating, dental health, or regular doctor visits most people make the wrong choices. In stead they will spend $4.00 -$6.00 a day on: soda, candy, or potato chips or they may even spend $6.00 a day or more on cigarettes. So, if we round that off to let's say $8.00 a day for the combination it comes out to $240.00 a month spent to destroy our health and if we just say $3.00 a day for soda and snacks that still comes out to $90.00 a month. So, we are spending $1,080.00 - $2,880.00 just to kill ourselves more quickly. Then we complain when we need to see the doctor once or twice a year and spend $50.00 to $100 on the visit. How do we fix this?

A better example to bring to the forefront is how to eradicate the disease of HIV infection and other STD's. How will we ever arrest HIV, or other STD's if people are afraid of who they are or the stigmas attached to the disease? Not to mention all of the misinformation that is out there. You see that dirty little word that this thread is about plays a much larger role in our health and disease prevention than most people realize. We literally have a group of people entitled "Men Who have Sex with Men." because a large percentage of these men will not and subconsciously cannot allow themselves to be labeled as: Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered, or even Gay for Pay. Many are married and only have a fling now and again. Whatever??? None the less, almost every single Gay or Bisexual man I know has two or more straight boyfriends on the side. “He who conceals his disease cannot expect to be cured” Ethiopian Proverb. The biggest issue here is getting people to get tested regularly and if they test positive get treatment and notify your partners. This does not happen because:

• People believe they are being safe.
• People are afraid of having to change their life if the do test positive.
• People are a fraid of loosing their jobs.
• People are afraid of being labeled.
• People are afraid of being shunned by others.
• People are afraid of being a lone the rest of their life.
• And the list can go on.

My point is that threads like this one provides valuable insights into ourselves and allow us to express ourselves openly and preferably without judgment. I know the later does not always happen but it is something we can all aspire to... It gives us an opportunity to grow and rise above our ego's. I really have enjoyed this thread as much as many of the forum members. Again, I would encourage more threads like this one.

 

[cumrag27]

In pursuit of the ideal

Thank you Cumrag. I will when the time is right... However, I encourage everyone to do this too. Facing our fears only makes us stronger. Threads like this give all of us an insight into ourselves as well as other people.

Let me share this with you. My background is in public health: epidemiology, education, awareness, wellness, health promotions, and prevention.

Strangely enough, everyone says that their health is important to them. However when is comes down to making a choice of saving money for a gym membership, spending money on healthy eating, dental health, or regular doctor visits most people make the wrong choices. In stead they will spend $4.00 -$6.00 a day on: soda, candy, or potato chips or they may even spend $6.00 a day or more on cigarettes. So, if we round that off to let's say $8.00 a day for the combination it comes out to $240.00 a month spent to destroy our health and if we just say $3.00 a day for soda and snacks that still comes out to $90.00 a month. So, we are spending $1,080.00 - $2,880.00 just to kill ourselves more quickly. Then we complain when we need to see the doctor once or twice a year and spend $50.00 to $100 on the visit. How do we fix this?

A better example to bring to the forefront is how to eradicate the disease of HIV infection and other STD's. How will we ever arrest HIV, or other STD's if people are afraid of who they are or the stigmas attached to the disease? Not to mention all of the misinformation that is out there. You see that dirty little word that this thread is about plays a much larger role in our health and disease prevention than most people realize. We literally have a group of people entitled "Men Who have Sex with Men." because a large percentage of these men will not and subconsciously cannot allow themselves to be labeled as: Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered, or even Gay for Pay. Many are married and only have a fling now and again. Whatever??? None the less, almost every single Gay or Bisexual man I know has two or more straight boyfriends on the side. “He who conceals his disease cannot expect to be cured” Ethiopian Proverb. The biggest issue here is getting people to get tested regularly and if they test positive get treatment and notify your partners. This does not happen because:

• People believe they are being safe.
• People are afraid of having to change their life if the do test positive.
• People are a fraid of loosing their jobs.
• People are afraid of being labeled.
• People are afraid of being shunned by others.
• People are afraid of being a lone the rest of their life.
• And the list can go on.

My point is that threads like this one provides valuable insights into ourselves and allow us to express ourselves openly and preferably without judgment. I know the later does not always happen but it is something we can all aspire to... It gives us an opportunity to grow and rise above our ego's. I really have enjoyed this thread as much as many of the forum members. Again, I would encourage more threads like this one.

Dear Jayman01,

Your occupational roots are favorable reflected in your post. I feel the best teacher, having myself been a high school counselor for 36 years, is not preaching but, the somewhat slower and more lasting impression of "teaching by example". As we all influence others around us in all that we do, we need to be more than mindful of our actions. We need to access our habits looking retrospectively for those providing a bad example, something we wouldn't wish on someone we truly treasured to follow.

Life gives us something no illegal drug can offer, the possibility of a genuinely new beginning. I am not so foolhardy to think all negative habits can be magically wiped of the slate. But, we all can on an incremental basis begin with removing or reducing these short-comings one-by-one making perhaps only "baby-steps initially" The worst part after identifying our weaknesses, is overcoming the "inertia" that his worst at the beginning.

People arrive at this undesireable place because of the overwhelming array of distractions that fill our lives. This, too, needs to be considered and realistically minimized if we can hope for progress in other more pressing issues. Basically, we all need to admit it that we are all vulnerable and not the indestructable earthling created by super-hero mythology. I can break and you can break too! For those who shy away from getting too close, is getting closer to your grave a better solution? I say resoundingly, Hell No!

For over three decades , I have worked with young people and adults who can't bring themselves to accepting as humans, we are all social creatures in need of honest human contact sharing basic emotions. Our misguided society has convenced that men are incapable of communicating to each other other than indirectly through sports primarily. This is so unnecessary and so sad! I truly believe life can be more meaningful than a collection of beer commercials, statistics, and overpaid humanoids pretending to be human. Sports is truly the predominant religion in the USA, not Christianity or any other organized religion. Just ask yourself, when the test of "leading by example" is a consideration, how many sports icons exemplify the kind of life worth patterning yourself or your most treasured loved-one after.

We as Americans need to resolve that we are not lazy, non-thinking people. Look at our past accomplishments. Yet, when existing in the shadow of China or India overtaking our position in world productivity, are we insisting that are duly elected federal representatives in Washington have the same long-term goal of America? I am really not attempting to over-complicate this issue. But we all need to get a grip not unlike the grip we exercised so well in many, many areas during WWII to restore once again America to its rightful place and not give-up the ship to quickly as we will surely perish along with our rights,way of life, and the much revered American Dream for third world or less status. We must revive our middle class which is our bedrock of America as we perceive it.

Remember, all of this starts with "baby-steps"!

 

[Jayman01]

I agree. I see we have parallel philosophies. My favorite quote is, "the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." Thank you for sharing.

 

[clock12]

Thanks

... You see that dirty little word that this thread is about plays a much larger role in our health and disease prevention than most people realize. ...

I really loved this post, Jayman. Very informative and I hope everyone reads it. I hope there are other venues that you are sharing your experience and wisdom on in addition to the Broke Straight Boys forums, because you do good work.

My mother is an RN epidemiologist, Lt. Col, US Army Nurse Corps, recently retired. She can't stop working though, no matter how much everyone tells her to take it easy for once. She now works "part time" (yeah right) at her county heath dept in infection control. She is driven by what her job has shown her, right here and in a dozen other countries, the dangers we all face. I was lucky enough to be scared shitless of communicable diseases before I hit puberty. So I never did anything without proper protection, and even then I felt great anxiety to the point that sex was just not an option for me for many years. I was afraid more than anything else that I might unknowingly deliver death upon someone through my carelessness, or a faulty condom or something. It's just too easy. This is one of the things about porn that bothers me, and I'm glad that David has said no more barebacking on Broke Straight Boys I can't enjoy watching that, as all I can think of is something decidedly un-arousing.

Ok, TMI, sorry Jayman! I love your posts!

 

[Jayman01]

Thank you Clock. I have had similar issues with unprotected sexual encounters myself. I guess sometimes all of my knowledge about infectious diseases can be a little overwhelming at times. I also believe that with the proper knowledge comes the intestinal fortitude to build our self-efficacy to take care of our health and detour these infections for ourselves and for other we may involve ourselves with.

I find your posts to be inspiring and full of sage insight as well.

 

[SGVBOB]

etymology

Mr Jayman: I really do appreciate this introspect into the word, as I had forementioned, I LOVE learning about the origins/derivations aka etymology of words! Thanks, once again!

**********************************************************

Brief history of the word.

'Faggot', often shortened to 'fag', is used as a highly offensive term for a male homosexual .

There are a lot of myths about the origin of the term. It is clear that the earliest and original use of the word 'faggot' means a bound bundle, normally of kindling of some sort. The term was extended to bundles or groups of all types, especially of things that weren't of the same type.

As faggots were often used to light fires, the word faggot became associated with burning heretics. In the middle ages, people who repented from heresy wore the emblem of a faggot of wood to show that they had been saved from that punishment.

None of this, however, explains how 'faggot' comes to mean a gay man. There are various explanations people have attempted on the basis of the above definitions. The most common is that homosexuals used to be burnt as witches, and so calling a gay person a faggot is a reference to an ancient and terrible punishment.

This is false. The use of the word 'faggot' to refer to gay men is a twentieth century invention, and is highly unlikely to recall a practice of hundreds of years before. Also, there is no evidence that people ever associated witch burning with gay people.

More recent attempts to link it to a Nazi practice of using a bound group of homosexuals to burn bodies is even more ludicrous. Firstly, there are recorded instances of 'faggot' to refer to a gay man as early as 1915, well before the Second World War. Secondly, why would an English word like 'faggot' be a Nazi term?

Another common myth about the origin of 'faggot' is more plausible, but equally false. This is that the word came from the fagging system at British public schools (see fag). The claim is that fagging sometimes involved some kind of homosexual behaviour. However, fag in that sense isn't short for faggot. Also, faggot is an American term which only crossed the Atlantic recently, making it unlikely to be based on a British custom.

The most likely answer is surprisingly boring. Faggot or fagot was used from about the late 16th Century onwards as an insulting term for a woman. It kind of implied haggard, annoying and ugly. One source compares it to today's use of the term 'old baggage'. This would explain why it isn't really used to refer to lesbians.

It is probably this usage that was applied to effeminate men, originally in much the same way as the gay community might now refer to an 'old queen'. However this term, for whatever reason, became the offensive one and remains it.

The gay community seems to have done a lot to reclaim words once used against it, like 'queer', 'queen', and to a lesser extent, the shortened 'fag'. However it seems that the full term 'fagot' keeps a large degree of its shock value and offensiveness.

**********************************************************

I therefore conclude that there is significant evidence and reason for people to find the word 'Faggot' offensive. However, the word is just a name or a label we are not being forced to accept it or wear it on our clothing to identify us in a crowd. We each have the power within us to accept labels or to renounce them. It does not matter what the majority or minority of people believe or perceive. It is what you or I perceive or believe about our selves that is true. I AM that, I AM. (Either own it or do not own it.) People like children can be cruel at times. They may feel a need to put others down so they can feel bigger than they are. Most times they are pointing their finger in misdirection like a magician so that we are not paying attention to their flaws.

We have two choices here accept the label that society bears up on us or choose not to. If we choose to bear the label them we give away our power. If we choose to not accept labels and stand in our own truth then we embrace our power... Fighting and back biting over a derogatory word or term like 'faggot' only serves to segregate us as people and friends. "When spider webs unite they can tie up a lion..." I implore everyone to pull together as one and one voice we still have many battles before we will ever be thought of as equal citizens in this country. Let's not let something as trivial as a word tear us apart.

Bless your hearts and than you all for letting me share my thoughts on this matter.

 

[aquarius]

I know I have no business posting here. I’ve made my position on this clear in the past and I’m very much aware of your opinions. I’m not interested in arguing or discussing. I just feel an obligation to say something. I am a gay parent with three children, one of whom is gay. My children took a lot from their classmates for allowing us to raise them and I am eternally grateful for their sacrifice. I know they were called a lot of horrible things and, in some cases, treated with discrimination and abuse. The subject of this thread was only one of the words they were subjected to. They bore it like troupers and never once came home to cry or curse or make my husband or me feel guilty for causing them this burden. Most of those who flung this word at them came to befriend them and even to respect us. It took a family held together by a great deal of love and pride to get them through adolescence.

But right now there are four things on my mind and those four things make me regret not having looked up every child or adult who ever hurled that epithet at one of my children and personally telling them such language is not acceptable. Those four things make we want to let anyone tempted to treat hurtful words, whether intended or playful, used in public as not acceptable. To say that there are those for whom they cause pain and incalculable anxiety and to attempt to justify it by saying we are removing the sting by making them commonplace is forgetting that there are those for whom even the common is still a lifetime away, the young. Those four had no sanctuary from which to escape abuse or fear and every slur was a sentence to what seemed an eternity of grief. I don’t think the privilege of calling someone “faggot,” because one thinks one has the right, justifies Tyler Clementi, Asher Brown, Billy Lucas, or Seth Walsh. How long had that and words like it slapped them in the face before the ground gave way beneath them?

I know it’s a cold, cruel world. But an eighteen year old, with no support system, or a thirteen year old who feels he’ll lose his family and home, or a fourteen year old who’s afraid of being laughed out of school , feels that word like a dagger to the heart. Until we can alleviate that fear from the average home, maybe we need to stop comparing it to the “N” word. No matter how horrible and offensive that racial epithet is, no child ever lost home and family for being called it. Our streets and shelters are filled with children thrown away because they were labeled “faggot.” And, this week, it seems, so are our mortuaries.

Sorry, I truly did not mean to offend. Slice and dice any you want. I don’t care to argue. We each have our own opinions. I just felt I had to say something. This week has been really hard on parents with kids in college.

 

[cumrag27]

Thank you!

I know I have no business posting here. I’ve made my position on this clear in the past and I’m very much aware of your opinions. I’m not interested in arguing or discussing. I just feel an obligation to say something. I am a gay parent with three children, one of whom is gay. My children took a lot from their classmates for allowing us to raise them and I am eternally grateful for their sacrifice. I know they were called a lot of horrible things and, in some cases, treated with discrimination and abuse. The subject of this thread was only one of the words they were subjected to. They bore it like troupers and never once came home to cry or curse or make my husband or me feel guilty for causing them this burden. Most of those who flung this word at them came to befriend them and even to respect us. It took a family held together by a great deal of love and pride to get them through adolescence.

But right now there are four things on my mind and those four things make me regret not having looked up every child or adult who ever hurled that epithet at one of my children and personally telling them such language is not acceptable. Those four things make we want to let anyone tempted to treat hurtful words, whether intended or playful, used in public as not acceptable. To say that there are those for whom they cause pain and incalculable anxiety and to attempt to justify it by saying we are removing the sting by making them commonplace is forgetting that there are those for whom even the common is still a lifetime away, the young. Those four had no sanctuary from which to escape abuse or fear and every slur was a sentence to what seemed an eternity of grief. I don’t think the privilege of calling someone “faggot,” because one thinks one has the right, justifies Tyler Clementi, Asher Brown, Billy Lucas, or Seth Walsh. How long had that and words like it slapped them in the face before the ground gave way beneath them?

I know it’s a cold, cruel world. But an eighteen year old, with no support system, or a thirteen year old who feels he’ll lose his family and home, or a fourteen year old who’s afraid of being laughed out of school , feels that word like a dagger to the heart. Until we can alleviate that fear from the average home, maybe we need to stop comparing it to the “N” word. No matter how horrible and offensive that racial epithet is, no child ever lost home and family for being called it. Our streets and shelters are filled with children thrown away because they were labeled “faggot.” And, this week, it seems, so are our mortuaries.

Sorry, I truly did not mean to offend. Slice and dice any you want. I don’t care to argue. We each have our own opinions. I just felt I had to say something. This week has been really hard on parents with kids in college.

Dear Aquarius,

Your beautifully written and passionate statement has the undeniable truth as its premise. Working with particularly middle school kids and up, this hurtful word is so frequently heard, by those poor souls so unfairly singled out, more times in a single day than some children hear their own name in 6 months to a year. In particular, immature adolescents are especially adept at repeatedly abusing anyone verbally that may unintentionally give off signals with their body language that their self esteem is fragile and battered. Bullies, on the other hand, are scavengers who thrive on the weak and pick them off one-by-one as if in a feeding frenzy. The bully feels they will boost their own injured self-concept at the expense of someone weaker in true dog-eat-dog bully fashion. The survival story of a bully, on the food chain, is only one step above the actual victim, the unwilling recipient of the bully's hatefill actions.

Just as we have seen the tragic results of immature and bullied youth lashing out at Columbine HS when equipped with guns in any form, so too will these bullies use anything else in their grasp to attack their prey, namely those less strong emotionally.

When we as adults attempt to take ownership of a generally hurtful word having the best of intentions, we also run the greater risk of perpetuating something used to further victimize others less strong individuals. In isolation these well meaning attempts may work in specific locations that might not be typical of the larger population. Furthermore, while possessing a slightly higher degree of emotional maturity, they have no way of knowing how taking back a hateful word will play in different locations. Just like the “N-word” can still be inappropriately and hurtfully used today, don’t fool yourself into thinking “faggot” or any such hate filled epitaphs will suddenly and permanently become neutralized as if by magic merely be their reintroduction into daily parlance. As much as I would like for this to happen, we have to admit that everybody is not on the same page at the same time and, consequently, it is simply not in the cards.

I don’t want anybody to suffer such hurt ever again. But my best strategy overall is that of “leading and teaching by example” and gay people showing appropriate constraint will in the long run be our best and most effective solution. Think recently of the four tragic deaths in the news of Tyler Clementi, Asher Brown, Billy Lucas, or Seth Walsh and remember the permanent effect some poorly chosen words can have ending precious young lives needlessly, not to mention their families and friends or their communities.

Thank you for giving me this chance to express my concern!

Respectfully,

Cumrag27, aka Stimpy

 

[lovelumps]

I know I have no business posting here. I’ve made my position on this clear in the past and I’m very much aware of your opinions. I’m not interested in arguing or discussing. I just feel an obligation to say something. I am a gay parent with three children, one of whom is gay. My children took a lot from their classmates for allowing us to raise them and I am eternally grateful for their sacrifice. I know they were called a lot of horrible things and, in some cases, treated with discrimination and abuse. The subject of this thread was only one of the words they were subjected to. They bore it like troupers and never once came home to cry or curse or make my husband or me feel guilty for causing them this burden. Most of those who flung this word at them came to befriend them and even to respect us. It took a family held together by a great deal of love and pride to get them through adolescence.

But right now there are four things on my mind and those four things make me regret not having looked up every child or adult who ever hurled that epithet at one of my children and personally telling them such language is not acceptable. Those four things make we want to let anyone tempted to treat hurtful words, whether intended or playful, used in public as not acceptable. To say that there are those for whom they cause pain and incalculable anxiety and to attempt to justify it by saying we are removing the sting by making them commonplace is forgetting that there are those for whom even the common is still a lifetime away, the young. Those four had no sanctuary from which to escape abuse or fear and every slur was a sentence to what seemed an eternity of grief. I don’t think the privilege of calling someone “faggot,” because one thinks one has the right, justifies Tyler Clementi, Asher Brown, Billy Lucas, or Seth Walsh. How long had that and words like it slapped them in the face before the ground gave way beneath them?

I know it’s a cold, cruel world. But an eighteen year old, with no support system, or a thirteen year old who feels he’ll lose his family and home, or a fourteen year old who’s afraid of being laughed out of school , feels that word like a dagger to the heart. Until we can alleviate that fear from the average home, maybe we need to stop comparing it to the “N” word. No matter how horrible and offensive that racial epithet is, no child ever lost home and family for being called it. Our streets and shelters are filled with children thrown away because they were labeled “faggot.” And, this week, it seems, so are our mortuaries.

Sorry, I truly did not mean to offend. Slice and dice any you want. I don’t care to argue. We each have our own opinions. I just felt I had to say something. This week has been really hard on parents with kids in college.

Aquarius,

That was beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I believe that our society as a whole lacks the acceptance and understanding for "us" to use hurtful words. I don't want my children growing up thinking name calling is playful. I've rarely believed that to be true.

I am so saddened by the tragedies of the past week, and have spent a good deal of time watching the "It gets better" project on youtube. So much of what has been said has really helped add on to the conversations I've had with my children over the years about acceptance, and to reiterate how important it is for us to talk to each other, to care for each other and be understanding and open minded. I feel our home is a place where dialog about anything and everything is OK. I hope, hope with all my heart, that my children will be spared the humiliation of labels, but more than that, that they will continue to be the respectful, generous, caring boys I know them to be.

I appreciate each and every perspective I have read on this thread, and it is not my intention to judge anyone's language usage here. I can understand the desire to take back a word and use it in defiance. I have, however, been called names in my life, some pretty nasty ones, even. And while I will say that having my bff call me "slut" feels a lot different than hearing it from the girlfriend I didn't know my boyfriend had... I still don't like it.

 

[slimvintage]

Bravo aquarius. I don't know how many parents post on these forums (heavily loaded on the ladies' side probably) but if, as a parent, you are willing to defuse the whole homosexuality bugbear when your kids are little, most especially if one of them looks like being gay, the epithets they may hear later won't be so devastating. I know personally that bringing up a kid is so complex that having to address minority prejudice as part of the rearing process might come somewhere below Lift the seat before you pee.

But a kid who's felt comfortable, or at the very least not terrified, about coming out to his parents, is less likely to suffer fear and shame if he or she is bullied/outed, verbally or physically, by strangers. It's tacky to whine that it's the parents' fault for every mildly psychiatric quirk their offspring might have. But a loving domestic inoculation against needing to feel bad for being gay would go a long way toward saving kids like those four.

We've all heard that "the mother always knows". If she (or he) has an ounce of subtlety among his or her communication skills, then he or she will find a way to let it drop that families love all their kids no matter what combinations of sexual identity they sport, that gay kids are great because they're amusing and maybe more fun than the straight ones. Or whatever it takes just to say it's ok.


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[longtimefan]

I think we should beat the shit out of anyone calling us faggots and then give them a t-shirt saying, "I got my ass kicked by a faggot", and force them to wear it as they walk away in shame with their bigot friends.