Bedroom Etiquette

[tampa24]

I wanted to ask you guys how you felt about manners and expectations of how we treat each in the bedroom. I'm not referring to the sexual acts themselves. I'm hoping to get your opinions on how you guys handle certain situations. A poll of sorts but I'm also hoping for some genuine discussion.

Here's my somewhat abbreviated story. Years ago when I was in my 20's I met a friend of a friend that I really hit it off with. We only knew each other a few weeks and I was well aware that he was getting ready to leave Florida for L.A. It was to be his first real job after just graduating college. We were all very happy for him. So I knew that there was no expectation of a long term relationship.

Me and a couple of my platonic roommates decided that we would spend the night with friends and this guy and I would bunk up together. We were both pleased with the prospect. I just wanted to make the point that I did not consider this a cheap one night stand. Neither though did I have any illusion that we were in a relationship. He was a really good guy. Until... We went to bed. There was not actual intercourse because there was so much fear of AIDS at the time. I was quite happy at the prospect of getting another one of my first sexual experiences.

We both had a very good orgasm and I was euphoric. The performance anxiety that I had felt was now gone. I was immediately looking forward to the next step. I was thrilled that I would finally get to experience what cuddling and enjoying the afterglow would be like. I had always looked forward to finding out what the "pillow talk" experience was all about after sex. I imagined it would be great to have a few minutes to cuddle, giggle and enjoy some light conversation before drifting off together in a post orgasmic sleep.

Immediately after he had his orgasm he rolled over with his back to me and went to sleep. He didn't say a word. I just laid there in shock and disbelief at his rudeness. At first after the shock wore off it hurt my feelings. Then my hurt feelings turned to anger. Since anger is an easier emotion to deal with than hurt I stayed with the anger. We never hooked up after that by my choice. I never discussed it with him and he was clueless that he had hurt me and pissed me off to the extent that he did.

Very recently I talked with a lesbian friend who had gone to a female masturbation class. Yes. They do have them! LOL They attract mostly middle aged married, divorced or widowed women who have no clue how to pleasure themselves properly. Many of the straight women complained that they didn't get enough nurturing from their husbands. My friend assured them that in lesbian relationships that she was used to lots of holding and cuddling whether it was in a non sexual context or after sex. She said that the majority of the straight women agreed that as soon as the sex was over that their husbands just rolled over and went to sleep.

So that finally leads me to my question. Do men in general (gay or straight)just tend to roll over and go to sleep as soon as they get their nut? I'm a guy and not especially effeminate at all. But I find it very rude. If you're in a long term relationship and it's understood that you have to get to sleep right way for an early morning that's kind of different. I'm not thinking that afterglow time together should even have to be more than 5-10 minutes. But I think there should be some time there. What do you guys think? What have some of your experiences been like?

 

[Kodieboy]

Tampie u have bedroom Etiquette..

thats a lot of reading there boy

sheezzzzzzzzzz

Well i just blow that then.......the .....(genuine discussion)

 

[raysvq]

I am with you Tampa

 

[parisnoyd]

Tampa, I think you may have over reacted a bit. No offense! I over react by the minute! LOL! It was your first time with him. Expectations to high?

I am one who passes out after sex. My BF and I were pretty much Cum and Go lovers, but we did cuddle occasionally. Not for long, as we BOTH fell asleep!

One of my GF told me I should pee after sex. I said what for? She said it was healthy. No shit! One time after a particularly vigorous round, I passed out, as I was wont to do. I woke up with my dick stuck to the sheet! I had to pee, and I went to the bathroom. Thank God there was a towel close by! I had to bite on it as I peed! I tore as I got out of bed!

Ok, too much information. I pretty much routinely pass out after sex. I like to cuddle, but can't manage to do it for long. I'm in Zzzzzz land.

What I am trying to say is, he may not have been rude, just sleepy.

 

[Kodieboy]

Well, my feeling are i love my cuddles and im glad to say so does Peter.. which is just as well he would be in deep shiiiiiiiiiit if he didnt. Some times we talk about the day other times we talk solely about his mother. And some times we dont talk at all, just cuddle up and enjoy being together is enough.

I dont know how id go with anyone else,ive only been with him but i have always felt i could say,what i wanted and how i wanted it ...... and if i didnt or dont like it .

But we are the ones that let people decide how they can treat us.. by what we let them get away with

is that a help

 

[Markymark]

Wow! Tampa, you sure know how to pick them! Great questions make for great discussion.

Well , as you know, I was just in Albuquerque with Carl last week. As always happens when we stay at a hotel, he became something of a horndog. Mind you, I am not complaining. In fact, I expect it, and actually plan ahead, bring various items along, and really enjoy it. The sex part is always fun, but is never as good as what you refer to as the afterglow. A little background here.... I suffer from severe sleep apnea, for which I must always wear a full oxygen mask while sleeping. ( Picture a 1960's era fighter pilot, without the round helmet and you have the idea.) Not exactly the most romantic bed attire , but it does keep me breathing. Normally, Carl sleeps in his own room, but of necessity, we must sleep in the same room but in separate beds, in hotels. Anyway, Carl and I also like to cuddle after "The Act", and then move to our individual beds. It allows us to catch up, discuss important things like feelings, hopes, dreams. Long story short, last week, I fell asleep in his bed, but instead of getting up, when I awoke, I discovered his arms wrapped around me. He was gently snoring. He had adjusted my airhose over the top of the bed, so we could be together. Later on, in the morning, I asked why he had not gone to the other bed, and he looked at me and laughed. "Why should I let go of my teddy bear?" was all he said. Last nite, on the phone, (he is still in Alb.) he told me he would be home on Sunday, and that I should plan on switching rooms once in awhile, since he no longer likes sleeping alone all the time. HMMMM!

So, no Tampa, not ALL men turn over and go to sleep with their back turned toward their partner.

I also remember as a youngster, when "fooling around" on sleepovers was the rage, that I always enjoyed long talks after sex, and made many lasting "sexships" that way. That's "friendships with benefits", as they say.

 

[Kodieboy]

Peters.... Teddy bear our black and white cat Sylvester .......... im not telling what he calls me

 

[tampa24]

Wow! Tampa, you sure know how to pick them! Great questions make for great discussion.

Well , as you know, I was just in Albuquerque with Carl last week. As always happens when we stay at a hotel, he became something of a horndog. Mind you, I am not complaining. In fact, I expect it, and actually plan ahead, bring various items along, and really enjoy it. The sex part is always fun, but is never as good as what you refer to as the afterglow. A little background here.... I suffer from severe sleep apnea, for which I must always wear a full oxygen mask while sleeping. ( Picture a 1960's era fighter pilot, without the round helmet and you have the idea.) Not exactly the most romantic bed attire , but it does keep me breathing. Normally, Carl sleeps in his own room, but of necessity, we must sleep in the same room but in separate beds, in hotels. Anyway, Carl and I also like to cuddle after "The Act", and then move to our individual beds. It allows us to catch up, discuss important things like feelings, hopes, dreams. Long story short, last week, I fell asleep in his bed, but instead of getting up, when I awoke, I discovered his arms wrapped around me. He was gently snoring. He had adjusted my airhose over the top of the bed, so we could be together. Later on, in the morning, I asked why he had not gone to the other bed, and he looked at me and laughed. "Why should I let go of my teddy bear?" was all he said. Last nite, on the phone, (he is still in Alb.) he told me he would be home on Sunday, and that I should plan on switching rooms once in awhile, since he no longer likes sleeping alone all the time. HMMMM!

So, no Tampa, not ALL men turn over and go to sleep with their back turned toward their partner.

I also remember as a youngster, when "fooling around" on sleepovers was the rage, that I always enjoyed long talks after sex, and made many lasting "sexships" that way. That's "friendships with benefits", as they say.

Thanks for all your input so far guys. I do not have much experience with relationships so I appreciate you sharing the benefit of your wisdom. I am curious as to how things are in the real world of interpersonal relationships. As Paris pointed out maybe my expectations were too high or unrealistic. I still tend to think not. But that's why I wanted to get as many opinions as possible.

 

[Kodieboy]

It depends if it was a stranger and sex was the be all and end all.... i guess his behaviour would be ok......but then i doult you would have been with him ...... But you knew the guy ...... and consideration to another person is just good manners. well in my eyes ........ the sod was rude ...... but if you do see him again id make a joke out of it. but make it clear he was a jerk.

 

[tampa24]

It depends if it was a stranger and sex was the be all and end all.... i guess his behaviour would be ok......but then i doult you would have been with him ...... But you knew the guy ...... and consideration to another person is just good manners. well in my eyes ........ the sod was rude ...... but if you do see him again id make a joke out of it. but make it clear he was a jerk.

I don't anticipate us ever seeing each other again. I was genuinely curious though as to whether that was normal behavior in bed.

 

[Kodieboy]

well id like to think it wasnt ... not from someone you knew at all, in anyway

a stranger maybe

 

[gwr19569424]

Tampa, I am a natural cuddler, and have really never had that problem with my partners. As I have gotten older and since being with Jon, we don't have much sex, but we do like to cuddle and the companionship of each other. I don't recall any of the guys that I have been with not wanting to cuddle. Me and Jon cuddles some before we fall off to sleep, then we turn over with backs facing each other, but he has told me quite a few times the next morning that I have rolled over next to him during the night and cuddle, specially if one of us gets cold.
I probably haven't helped much in what you are asking. Just what I have experienced.

 

[slimvintage]

I don't anticipate us ever seeing each other again. I was genuinely curious though as to whether that was normal behavior in bed.

As Robert Benchley said several thousand years ago, "You can divide people into two categories, those who divide people into two categories and those who don't."

I exchanged messages on gaydar a while back, and later "cammed", with a guy who loved to "edge". He liked to make the lead up to orgasm last and last, he said, because once he'd shot his load, he lost interest totally in anything to do with sex till the next time he felt horny. Not only that, but he proactively didn't like to be touched, or certainly cuddled afterward. With him it apparently wasn't even "Hmmmm, that was nice, good night."

The other of Benchley's categories has guys in it for whom the first orgasm is only the first orgasm, and they're already looking forward to the next one while still leaking semen: in 15 minutes, half an hour, whatever. Sometimes all night, one after another. And in between times, cuddles, yes! real cuddles, and provocation: man, look what you do to me dude, I'm hard again already.

Oddly, if you're not in tune with either of these extremes, they can both be a pain in the ass each in his own way. I actually think there's a bit of both of them in all of us (this paragraph is getting out of hand) and that we react to the post orgasmic moment in different ways depending on the circumstances. I can think of guys who would be amazing to have sex with, but who don't strike me as cuddle material. On the other hand there are others with whom just smooching would be cool in itself.

In order not to have the non-cuddle denouement hit one hard, I think the best thing of all is to make the foreplay and the nitty gritty so amazing, with lots of complicity and fun, and wanton passion, that you can share a shower and hit the hay afterward without feeling let down. This sounds like advice and a bit pedantic and so commonplace that I've bored myself as much as I have you with it. And am only gonna post it now because I love Benchley and wanted to share that quote

 

[tampa24]

As Robert Benchley said several thousand years ago, "You can divide people into two categories, those who divide people into two categories and those who don't."

I exchanged messages on gaydar a while back, and later "cammed", with a guy who loved to "edge". He liked to make the lead up to orgasm last and last, he said, because once he'd shot his load, he lost interest totally in anything to do with sex till the next time he felt horny. Not only that, but he proactively didn't like to be touched, or certainly cuddled afterward. With him it apparently wasn't even "Hmmmm, that was nice, good night."

The other of Benchley's categories has guys in it for whom the first orgasm is only the first orgasm, and they're already looking forward to the next one while still leaking semen: in 15 minutes, half an hour, whatever. Sometimes all night, one after another. And in between times, cuddles, yes! real cuddles, and provocation: man, look what you do to me dude, I'm hard again already.

Oddly, if you're not in tune with either of these extremes, they can both be a pain in the ass each in his own way. I actually think there's a bit of both of them in all of us (this paragraph is getting out of hand) and that we react to the post orgasmic moment in different ways depending on the circumstances. I can think of guys who would be amazing to have sex with, but who don't strike me as cuddle material. On the other hand there are others with whom just smooching would be cool in itself.

In order not to have the non-cuddle denouement hit one hard, I think the best thing of all is to make the foreplay and the nitty gritty so amazing, with lots of complicity and fun, and wanton passion, that you can share a shower and hit the hay afterward without feeling let down. This sounds like advice and a bit pedantic and so commonplace that I've bored myself as much as I have you with it. And am only gonna post it now because I love Benchley and wanted to share that quote

I'm glad you shared Slim. You didn't bore me. I was hoping to get input, personal experiences, and opinions from as many people as possible to give me a sense of how a majority of people feel. I realize that our sample is rather small though to extrapolate the probable behaviors of the majority of gay and straight men. So where do you fall in the pendulum of bedroom etiquette that you listed above? You can answer me in private if you're shy. LOL Thanks again for sharing your thoughts Slim.

 

[LesterM]

I am going to say right here in public how I feel. I like wild wall banging crazy passionate rock and roll sex. Afterwards i like to have my partner put his head on my chest and stroke, pet and talk If he turns his back to me I assume we are moving on to a back door encounter I have sometimes demanded that someone get the hell back here LOL only in jest...sort of/ I like total participation

 

[Kodieboy]

Way to go Lester

 

[Markymark]

Thanks Slim, Lester, Kodie, Tampa and Gary. This is turning into one of the more interesting afternoons I have had in quite some time. So far, it seems we all like a little cuddle/pillow time with our vanilla pudding, eh? I say that because I can't imagine that too many leather men are into the whole touchy feely scene, after sex, or am I wrong? Anybody?I mean, I have trouble getting warm and fuzzy when someone has tied me up, blinfolded me, spanked me good, poured hot wax on me, and.... brb!

 

[Kodieboy]

I thinkth mummy protesths to muchth

 

[Markymark]

Yeah, I'll protesteth if it stops! LOL!!

 

[Jayman01]

I am going to say right here in public how I feel. I like wild wall banging crazy passionate rock and roll sex. Afterwards i like to have my partner put his head on my chest and stroke, pet and talk If he turns his back to me I assume we are moving on to a back door encounter I have sometimes demanded that someone get the hell back here LOL only in jest...sort of/ I like total participation

Now, that is what I call etiquette. I usually don't bottom too much, but when I do I can tell you if they don't do it right; I am sure flip them over and show them how to. LOL I always love to cuddle afterward regardless...