parisnoyd
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Hope you all have bunches of green goodies on this great day!
It wouldn't be St. Paddy's Day with out some Irish jokes. A very dear friend sent these to me. It's ok, she is Irish and a lapsed Catholic to boot!
Only the Irish have Jokes Like These
Into a Belfastpub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like
he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and
bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He
couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended
yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast,
and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is
driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving Violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. " So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had
quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
" Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
" Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. " For a
minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual when
Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to
tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,
Tim. But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda,
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
" Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and
gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of
Guinness Stout and drowned."
" Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times
to pee."
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his
Sunday morning service and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My
husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell
me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn
gun...'
AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a
confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no
paper on this side either!"
It wouldn't be St. Paddy's Day with out some Irish jokes. A very dear friend sent these to me. It's ok, she is Irish and a lapsed Catholic to boot!
Only the Irish have Jokes Like These
Into a Belfastpub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like
he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and
bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He
couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended
yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast,
and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is
driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving Violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. " So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had
quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
" Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
" Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. " For a
minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual when
Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to
tell ya".
" Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,
Tim. But where's my husband?"
" That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda,
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
" Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and
gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
" It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of
Guinness Stout and drowned."
" Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times
to pee."
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his
Sunday morning service and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My
husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell
me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn
gun...'
AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a
confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no
paper on this side either!"
