Disappointment and Regrets

[trebligon]

Forgive the jumble of thoughts.

I was looking at a thread about upcoming scenes and saw some posts by our controversial™ performer Brock Reynolds that joked (?) about being a disappointment to his dad and then saying his dad was actually dead. As is often the case when someone mentions their dead parents, I thought of my own dear mama, gone six years now.

I usually think of her in terms of her life, or her death, or that her essence is likely lost. This time, I wondered what she would think about where I am now, moving towards something finally, essentially in her honor, and if she'd be proud.

This inevitably makes me think of being gay and what that would mean to her. What it did mean to her. A couple of weeks before she died, she indicated (though I didn't get it at the time) that she knew and wanted me to be happy. This thought went against everything she'd been taught in her faith, or at least the acceptance of such behavior did. She was always more of a love the sinner, hate the sin type believer. But beyond that, I knew she wanted me to have kids.

She had no shortage of grandchildren, but they were from my idiot brothers knocking up girls while still in their teens (way to be stereotypes, hermanos). I know she thought of me as "the smart one" of her kids and wanted some specifically from me. She once asked me if I ever thought about donating sperm ("spreading your seed" as she put it). Man, was that awkward! It was clear she was disappointed in that regard.

Is it wrong that she felt that way? I don't think so. As much as I think "cancel culture" is mostly a nonsense term used to rile people up and grift, there is a tendency among certain people to condemn any thoughts that aren't unequivocally embracing every aspect of "queerdom." (I mean, wtf with the mullets, people?!)

Maybe who I am is so ingrained in the world I grew up in, but I do not have pride in being gay. I have reached a point where I don't feel shame either, but to me (and this is so cliche it makes me want to rip my face off) it is just a part of who I am. When I feel pride, it's because of something I accomplished. Something I strove for or earned. I'm proud of taking care of my sick mom, of being a good friend, of taking a risk and going to school. I'm no more proud of being gay than I am of having dark hair. I understand, kind of, that Pride is something other people want or need in their sexuality/gender, but it's not necessary for me. Maybe that's why I'm not offended by the disappointment she probably had.

I think I would have been a good father. I really like kids (not in a predatory way) and guiding someone into becoming a full-fledged human being and seeing the wonder as they learn would be amazing. Seeing my friends with kids themselves is a mixed bag. I'm glad I don't have to deal with screaming babies and stuff, but when I see those children being happy, or bright-eyed with wonder and learning, I get this sadness that I can never be involved in it.

Why am I thinking of this all? A couple of days ago, I was seeing a porn scene from a different site (sorry, guys!) and wanted to see if a model did other work. I found out that he did. But I also found out that he is a trans woman now. And I was disappointed. Not that she was a woman per se, but that a good-looking guy was now a middling-looking girl. I never understood the appeal of "chicks with dicks" so I was immediately turned off by her new appearance (she does "shemale" porn now). Then, as I am wont to do, I felt guilty.

I assume she's done this because it makes her happy. Maybe gives her pride. And being out is something to be proud of as a brave act, even in modern America which is far less progressive than people like to think. I am glad that she has self-actualized. Is it wrong to feel disappointed though? I thought, well there's always her historical record of acting as a man in porn, but then I was like, isn't it wrong to even acknowledge her past as a man? Use the right pronouns, never use her "dead" name, etc. But then I'm like, who the fuck cares? She's got to deal with its existence whether or not I enjoy her past work as a man fucking other men. She will never know I even exist.

But it nags at me.

I don't have a way to tie this altogether. Just Sunday morning thoughts.

 

[mikeyank]

Thank you Treb for your introspective thoughts. I truly appreciate your sharing. I have lots of thoughts on your questions and feelings. More from me later but I like it when people are real and you are being very real with your sharing your thoughts and I thank you for it.

 

[chac54]

I guess I'm like you Treb, I am not a gay who waves the flag and is all into pride month, I'm more of a "I'm a dude who is into dudes with little fanfare." I have never been to a pride festival or Carnival up here in Provincetown. Maybe attending one would change how I feel, and there is probably still some internalized homophobia I have going on too

I want to comment more but I have to run out to prep for a party tonight. I'll think more on this insightful post and reply back later...

 

[mikeyank]

I keep mentioning that YouTube is my primary entertainment source over the last four years since I redesigned my living room and I’ve had my big screen TV. Last night this vlog came into my feed and I watched it. Today reading Treb’s post, and Chac’s following comment, I thought of what this YouTuber said.

 

[chac54]

I keep mentioning that YouTube is my primary entertainment source over the last four years since I redesigned my living room and I’ve had my big screen TV. Last night this vlog came into my feed and I watched it. Today reading Treb’s post, and Chac’s following comment, I thought of what this YouTuber said.

it's funny Mike, YouTube recommended me the same video and I had thrown it on my watchlist. I just watched it and he hit the nail on the head, Jaks is very well spoken too. Only complaint was the video was slightly off center and some OCD was kicking in

 

[mikeyank]

I did want to comment further on Treb’s very personal introspective essay front he other morning. Yes, the Jaks YouTube video did address the issue of all gay people not fitting into the “stereotype” which was something I wondered about as a young teen who realized I was homosexual. There was pretty much no question about my attraction to other guys, my own age and older from my earliest memories. I remember going to the New York City Public Library to research some school project and going to the reference books listed alphabetically and looked for the volume with the letter H to look up homosexual and found a few books with articles on the subject which I surreptitiously brought to a table and read whatever I could. It was written that many boys go through a questioning period in their early teens and later grow out of it. But I somehow knew back then that I would not grow out of it.

And I kept my homosexuality a secret throughout high school except from my best friend who was also gay as we experimented together. But I always felt different from the few gay people represented in the movies or on television. In my college (from years 1968-1972), we had a gay liberation alliance but I never wanted to openly admit that I was gay back then as I felt that I related more to my dorm friends who were straight and I continued to keep it a secret. When I came home during holiday and summer breaks is when I went into Manhattan to gay clubs but it was for sex and not to become friends with other gay guys.

I came to realize that the majority of gay men were not the Gay Pride Parade flamboyant types that we see represented in the media, but rather guys like me who were interested in the same general kinds of things that everyone else was into, except we were turned on by guys and not girls. My best friend growing up came back to New York City and was more into the clubs and Broadway Shows and I associated with his friend group but also maintained my friends more into rock music and sports. I actually was more comfortable with the non “gay scene” types of guys.

Upon finding this forum I came into contact with guys, (and girls) from all over the country and the world and I found that many of the fans of Broke Straight Boys also lived very non gay lives. I met guys who were truck drivers, factory workers who also didn’t have a large circle of gay friends and kept their sex lives private. Today through the internet it is so much easier for guys to come out to their families, friends and to themselves, and to see that all gay men are not alike.

I’ve written more than I intended to write this morning and need to get dressed and head to work, so I hope I made some sense in my rambling writing. One more thing Treb, about your mother. I think it is true that mothers usually do understand and know their sons better than anyone else. I didn’t talk about my being gay openly with my mother before she died, but I found out that she spoke to others about it. Mothers always know is often said and usually true. My mother loved me deeply and while she would have preferred that I married a woman and had kids, grandchildren for her, she loved me for who I was.

We are who we are. I knew I was gay from a very early age. It wasn’t a choice and I knew that despite what the library books said that I wasn’t going to “outgrow” it. Check out ancient history books. We’ve been around forever. Whether you believe that God put us here or just biology, you can’t change nor should you want to. I’m sure your mother is very proud of you for returning to university and trying to better yourself and it makes no difference if you are gay, straight or bisexual. You are yourself and it is good.

 

[BSB-Brock]

To clarify, my father isn’t technically dead, but he is dead to me.

 

[Jaybifla]

To clarify, my father isn’t technically dead, but he is dead to me.

I have certain family members that are dead to me too.