Dekay111
Active Member
Hi guys: Here is a list of various twisted and naughty terms, the majority of which are products of my own perverted mind. They're great for a laugh or two. If you can think of any more, please add them. Enjoy!
Tinkler Sprinkler: Attempting to take a piss right after jacking off, where it sprays everywhere except in the toilet.
Cum Bum: The homeless dude in the alley who gives blow jobs in exchange for bottles of cheap wine.
Bum Falk: A Cum Bum who wears a Columbo overcoat.
Sister Act: Catching your sister giving herself pleasure with the handle of her hairbrush.
Sister Act II: Having your sister catch you jacking off to pictures of Whoopi Goldberg.
Twisted Sister: Having your sister give herself pleasure while secretly watching you jack off.
Relation-bation: Jacking off with your cousin, brother, or even your uncle.
Mom-bone: Having your mother catch you jacking off.
Father Figure: Right in the middle of jacking off, you look up and see your dad standing in the doorway to your room.
Parent Trap: Coming home to find your parents both sitting at the kitchen table with the porn magazines they found under your mattress, and they want to “talk to you about it.”
Poppy Cock: The ridiculous notion that your father ever jacked off.
Pleasure Treasure: Discovering your dad’s secret stash of porn.
Poppy Seed: The mysterious substance used to stick together the pages of your dad’s porn magazines.
Pop Cop: Having your dad continually checking your room to see what kind of porno you are jacking off to.
Bad Dad: Having your dad steal your porn so he can use it to jack off himself.
Choking Your Little Brother: Teaching your younger sibling how to jack off.
Bowel Towel: Those fancy little brown guest towels you use to wipe your ass when you’re out of toilet paper.
Semen Demon: The belief that exorcisms can be performed through the end of the penis.
Knob Glob: The final bit of cum you squeeze out of your cock long after you have jacked off.
Sperm Worm: The long string of cum you pull out of your penis after jacking off.
Free Willy: Wearing loose fitting shorts in the summer with no underwear.
Free Balling: Jacking off while descending to earth with a parachute.
Mary Chase: You jack off and shoot a huge load, but no matter where you look, you can’t figure out where it landed.
Willy Wanding: Even if you’re naked, you can’t make it through an airport metal detector because of all the piercings and jewellery hanging off your dick.
Rum Cum: Kicking back and listening to Jimmy Buffett with your dick in one hand, and a bottle of Bacardi in the other.
Jakov Smirnov: Kicking back and watching a Russian comedian on T.V., with your dick in one hand, and a bottle of vodka in the other.
Bater Mates, Bater Buds, Boner Buds, Penis Pals: Guys who like to jack off together.
Back Jacking: Two bashful guys jacking off together, but facing in opposite directions.
Hairy Handshake: The action of two guys jacking each other off.
Boner Loaner: Allowing your friend to jack you off while you sit back and let him do all the work.
Cock fight: The act of two guys slapping their boners together.
Masturbate-baiting: Leaving obvious evidence of your jacking off activities around, so a friend or room mate will discover them and wind up wanting to jack off with you.
Jack-Off Stand-Off: Two guys who really want to jack off with each other, but neither wants to make the first move.
Spermicide: Threatening to kill your best friend if he ever tells anybody you jacked off together.
Board Wood: The boner every school boy gets just before he’s asked to get up and write something on the black board in the front of the classroom.
Boner Sonar: The ability every teacher has to sense when a boy has popped a boner so he can be sent to the front of the class to write something on the black board.
Fat Chance: The hope every boy has of losing his boner between the time he is called upon, and the time he has to actually get up and go in front of the class.
Cock Jockey: Trying to push a boner up underneath the elastic of one’s underwear so it won’t stick out when getting up out of one’s seat.
Class Action: The giggles heard from the class because they know you’ve got a boner you’re trying to hide, and you’ve been called upon to go up in front of the class.
Locker Cocker: Rubbing one out while changing after gym class.
Masturbation Station: 1) Adult pay-per-view on cable or satellite; 2) Every guy’s bedroom.
Needle Dick: Using hair straightener on your pubes, and then using massive amounts of hair gel so they stick straight out.
Circumfusion: That which causes a circumcised guy to pull the skin of his penis over the head to try to imagine what it would feel like to be uncircumcised.
Sperm Blocker: Right in the middle of jacking off and thinking about the cutie in your class, you suddenly and without warning get a picture in your mind of your grandfather boning your grandmother.
Metric Meat: Giving your cock measurements in centimeters rather than inches so it sounds bigger.
Tally-whacker: One who keeps an accurate record of every time he jacks off.
Lie-Bation: Jacking off at least three times more frequently than you’ll admit to.
Emission Omission: A version of “Lie-Bation” practiced by Roman Catholic boys when going to confession.
Altar-bation: What Altar Boys do to themselves under their cassocks.
Jack Daniels Jack: Getting drunk and persuading your friends to join you in a jack off contest.
Bad Hair Day: Finding unidentifiable pubes in your teeth the morning after a Jack Daniels Jack.
Stoner Boner: The huge erection one gets when smoking marijuana.
Weed Whacking: What one does after experiencing a “Stoner Boner.”
Hijacking: Masturbating in any state of altered consciousness.
Goo Glue: The dried cum that mats down your pubes and makes them stick together.
Wanker Canker: A sore which develops on the penis caused by jacking off too fast without using any lube.
Shower Power: Using the vibro massage setting on the hand-held shower to make you cum without ever touching your hand to your dick.
Poop Shoot: Jacking off while sitting on the toilet.
Re-seeding the Lawn: Jacking off in your backyard in the middle of the night.
Fire in the Hole: Aiming your cumshot toward your open mouth and scoring a direct hit.
Pearls from Heaven: Jacking off while lying on your back, and then swinging your legs up over your head so you can aim your cumshot directly into your open mouth.
Eye Candy: Catching a cumshot square in the eye while watching yourself ejaculate.
Cruel Joke: You’re so horny that you feel like you’re going to shoot a litre of cum, only to discover that all you can muster are a few meager oozings.
Key Stroke: While jacking off at the computer, you accidentally cum all over the keyboard, rendering it inoperative.
Spatter Scatter: Jacking off in such a manner that you don’t care how much you cum or where it lands.
Broadcast-Bating: Posting photos or videos of yourself jacking off on the internet.
Sperm Germ: Any one of a variety of sexually transmitted diseases.
Choking the Queen: Jacking off in rhythm to “Another One Bites The Dust.”
Rapper Whacker: Jacking off while getting into Snoop Dogg.
Punk Spunk: Jacking off while listening to Nine Inch Nails.
Ozzy Osboner: Jacking off while listening to old Black Sabbath music.
Wet Dream: Nature’s way of telling you that you aren’t jacking off enough.
Impossible Dream: What happens when 99 percent of the male population try to give themselves head.
Fly Fishing: Trying to get your dick out of your pants on a cold day.
Chilly Willy: What happens when you jack off outdoors in Alaska.
Navel Jelly: The pool of cum that collects in your belly button after jacking off.
Savage Lust: Jacking off to re-runs of “The Wonder Years,” or “Boy Meets World.”
Home Alone Bone: Jacking off to suggestive photos of McCauley Culkin.
Skyjacking: Jacking off in an airplane lavatory.
Carjacking: (self-explanatory)
Car Pool: What appears on the car seat between your legs after a carjacking.
Car Pool Lane: Cum flowing down the ridge in the car seat so it soaks into the seat of your trousers.
Cum Puppy: Training your dog to lick your dick.
Window Shopping at The Gap: Looking at a guy wearing boxers with the hope of catching a glimpse of his dick when his fly pulls apart.
Trom-boning: Inserting your penis into the bell of a brass instrument.
Clari-nutting: Inserting your penis into the bell of a woodwind instrument.
Tent Pole: Jacking off on a Boy Scout campout.
Drip Flip: Jacking off by rubbing against your pillow, and then turning it over so you don’t have to sleep on the wet spot.
Crunchy Penis Butter: The substance that collects over a period of time on your cum rag.
Cumcorder: The instrument you use to make videos of yourself jacking off.
Cumcorder Disorder: When making a video of yourself jacking off, you short out your dad’s brand new video camera by splattering it with your money shot.
Cockburn: Mistakenly thinking that Deep Heating Rub, Ben Gay, Vicks, or Icy Hot would make good jack off lubes.
Urinalysis: Checking out other guys’ penises that are standing next to you at a urinal.
Metro-bating: Jacking off while riding any form of public transportation.
Master-baiter: Jacking off while in a fishing boat.
Discount Sperm Bank: Any rest area toilet stall.
Graffiti Grapple: Jacking off while reading the naughty words written on any restroom wall.
Raping The Net Nanny: Hacking the software your dad installed on your computer to prevent you from looking at internet porn sites.
Push-Me-Pull-You: Two guys jacking each other off while reading a Dr. Seuss book.
Melon Balling: The act of sticking your penis into a hole cut in a cantaloupe, honey dew, or watermelon.
Numb-Nutting: Jacking off your morning wood with the hand that fell asleep because you slept on your arm wrong.
Motion Lotion, Tube Lube, Joint Jelly: Any lube used for jacking off.
Lickety-Spit: Using saliva as a jack off lube.
Emission Impossible: Jacking off without cumming for an extended period of time, but yet you are determined not to give up after all that hard work.
Nude Jack-Napping: A situation which is sure to make your room mate come home unexpectedly with a couple of guests.
Pole Mole: A small skin blemish on your penis that you’re too embarrassed to have the dermatologist remove.
Luge Spooge: Jacking off while riding on a sled.
Gherkin Jerkin’: Jacking off with a cucumber shoved up your ass.
Penis Colada: Attaching a little paper umbrella to your dick.
Beaner Weiner: Any one of a variety of Latino penises.
Watergate-bate: Jacking off while being recorded by secret cameras placed in hotel rooms.
Pastor-bating: What members of the clergy do while looking at porn.
Erect-ory: The place where Pastor-baters live.
Belly Flop: Pushing your boner away from your body, and then releasing it so it slaps against your stomach.
Toner Boner: Making photocopies of your erect penis.
Rubber Duck: What you do when your buddy throws a used condom at you.
Chicken Fingers: Having every good intention of licking the cum off your fingers while you’re jacking off, but then backing out after you’ve shot your load.
Bunk Spunk: Quietly jacking off in bed in your dorm room while your room mate is asleep either above or below you.
Incarceration-bation: The way a prisoner keeps himself occupied while in solitary confinement.
Willie Wonking: Using chocolate syrup as a jack off lube.
Pearly Swirly: The cum floating in the water after you’ve jacked off in the bathtub.
Mess Hall: What you leave behind after you’ve been eavesdropping on someone having a sexual experience while jacking off outside of their bedroom door.
Jack Splat: What happens when cum hits a tile floor.
Gallop Pole: Jacking off while riding on horseback.
DNA Evidence: What you call your cumshot after watching too much CSI.
Condominium: A dwelling place that requires all residents to have safe sex.
Masturbatorium: Jacking off during a school assembly.
Admiration-bation: Watching yourself jack off in a mirror.
Achie-Wakie Hard: Waking up in the middle of the night with an aching boner so hard that you have no other choice but to jack off so you can get back to sleep.
Cock-a-doodle-do: The design you make by pissing on a snow bank.
Doodle Bug: Trying to piss on a moving spider that has made its way into the urinal.
Penis-Kinesis: The ability to make yourself ejaculate using nothing but mind control.
Mind Blowing: The ability to make someone cum by just thinking about giving them head.
Boner Banter: The words you mutter under your breath while you’re jacking off.
Jingle Balls: What happens when you fondle Santa’s testicles.
Frilly Willy: What happens when someone is circumcised with a pair of pinking shears.
Kumquat: A semen-producing fruit.
Dock Cock: Jacking off while sitting on the edge of a jetty or pier.
Cummerbund: The place where you wipe your semen after you’ve jacked off in a tuxedo.
Waiter Bater: Hoping that your server in a restaurant remembered to wash his hands.
Waiting Bating: Jacking off in the examination room while waiting for the doctor to come in.
Patient Load: What you leave behind in the examination room after doing a “waiting bating.”
Ascot: Having someone surprise you while you’ve got your pants down around your ankles.
Flag Pole: Decorating your penis with red, white, and blue body paint.
Bi-sexual Redneck: The ability to jack off using either hand.
Spy Sperming: Jacking off while secretly watching someone else jack off.
Evacuation Bation: Jacking off in the car while stuck in traffic leaving the Florida Keys before the “big one” hits.
Fabrication Bation: Making your own masturbation sex toys.
Soft and Genital: Fucking a folded towel fresh out of the dryer.
Block Buster: Jacking off in the restroom of a video store.
Tinkler Sprinkler: Attempting to take a piss right after jacking off, where it sprays everywhere except in the toilet.
Cum Bum: The homeless dude in the alley who gives blow jobs in exchange for bottles of cheap wine.
Bum Falk: A Cum Bum who wears a Columbo overcoat.
Sister Act: Catching your sister giving herself pleasure with the handle of her hairbrush.
Sister Act II: Having your sister catch you jacking off to pictures of Whoopi Goldberg.
Twisted Sister: Having your sister give herself pleasure while secretly watching you jack off.
Relation-bation: Jacking off with your cousin, brother, or even your uncle.
Mom-bone: Having your mother catch you jacking off.
Father Figure: Right in the middle of jacking off, you look up and see your dad standing in the doorway to your room.
Parent Trap: Coming home to find your parents both sitting at the kitchen table with the porn magazines they found under your mattress, and they want to “talk to you about it.”
Poppy Cock: The ridiculous notion that your father ever jacked off.
Pleasure Treasure: Discovering your dad’s secret stash of porn.
Poppy Seed: The mysterious substance used to stick together the pages of your dad’s porn magazines.
Pop Cop: Having your dad continually checking your room to see what kind of porno you are jacking off to.
Bad Dad: Having your dad steal your porn so he can use it to jack off himself.
Choking Your Little Brother: Teaching your younger sibling how to jack off.
Bowel Towel: Those fancy little brown guest towels you use to wipe your ass when you’re out of toilet paper.
Semen Demon: The belief that exorcisms can be performed through the end of the penis.
Knob Glob: The final bit of cum you squeeze out of your cock long after you have jacked off.
Sperm Worm: The long string of cum you pull out of your penis after jacking off.
Free Willy: Wearing loose fitting shorts in the summer with no underwear.
Free Balling: Jacking off while descending to earth with a parachute.
Mary Chase: You jack off and shoot a huge load, but no matter where you look, you can’t figure out where it landed.
Willy Wanding: Even if you’re naked, you can’t make it through an airport metal detector because of all the piercings and jewellery hanging off your dick.
Rum Cum: Kicking back and listening to Jimmy Buffett with your dick in one hand, and a bottle of Bacardi in the other.
Jakov Smirnov: Kicking back and watching a Russian comedian on T.V., with your dick in one hand, and a bottle of vodka in the other.
Bater Mates, Bater Buds, Boner Buds, Penis Pals: Guys who like to jack off together.
Back Jacking: Two bashful guys jacking off together, but facing in opposite directions.
Hairy Handshake: The action of two guys jacking each other off.
Boner Loaner: Allowing your friend to jack you off while you sit back and let him do all the work.
Cock fight: The act of two guys slapping their boners together.
Masturbate-baiting: Leaving obvious evidence of your jacking off activities around, so a friend or room mate will discover them and wind up wanting to jack off with you.
Jack-Off Stand-Off: Two guys who really want to jack off with each other, but neither wants to make the first move.
Spermicide: Threatening to kill your best friend if he ever tells anybody you jacked off together.
Board Wood: The boner every school boy gets just before he’s asked to get up and write something on the black board in the front of the classroom.
Boner Sonar: The ability every teacher has to sense when a boy has popped a boner so he can be sent to the front of the class to write something on the black board.
Fat Chance: The hope every boy has of losing his boner between the time he is called upon, and the time he has to actually get up and go in front of the class.
Cock Jockey: Trying to push a boner up underneath the elastic of one’s underwear so it won’t stick out when getting up out of one’s seat.
Class Action: The giggles heard from the class because they know you’ve got a boner you’re trying to hide, and you’ve been called upon to go up in front of the class.
Locker Cocker: Rubbing one out while changing after gym class.
Masturbation Station: 1) Adult pay-per-view on cable or satellite; 2) Every guy’s bedroom.
Needle Dick: Using hair straightener on your pubes, and then using massive amounts of hair gel so they stick straight out.
Circumfusion: That which causes a circumcised guy to pull the skin of his penis over the head to try to imagine what it would feel like to be uncircumcised.
Sperm Blocker: Right in the middle of jacking off and thinking about the cutie in your class, you suddenly and without warning get a picture in your mind of your grandfather boning your grandmother.
Metric Meat: Giving your cock measurements in centimeters rather than inches so it sounds bigger.
Tally-whacker: One who keeps an accurate record of every time he jacks off.
Lie-Bation: Jacking off at least three times more frequently than you’ll admit to.
Emission Omission: A version of “Lie-Bation” practiced by Roman Catholic boys when going to confession.
Altar-bation: What Altar Boys do to themselves under their cassocks.
Jack Daniels Jack: Getting drunk and persuading your friends to join you in a jack off contest.
Bad Hair Day: Finding unidentifiable pubes in your teeth the morning after a Jack Daniels Jack.
Stoner Boner: The huge erection one gets when smoking marijuana.
Weed Whacking: What one does after experiencing a “Stoner Boner.”
Hijacking: Masturbating in any state of altered consciousness.
Goo Glue: The dried cum that mats down your pubes and makes them stick together.
Wanker Canker: A sore which develops on the penis caused by jacking off too fast without using any lube.
Shower Power: Using the vibro massage setting on the hand-held shower to make you cum without ever touching your hand to your dick.
Poop Shoot: Jacking off while sitting on the toilet.
Re-seeding the Lawn: Jacking off in your backyard in the middle of the night.
Fire in the Hole: Aiming your cumshot toward your open mouth and scoring a direct hit.
Pearls from Heaven: Jacking off while lying on your back, and then swinging your legs up over your head so you can aim your cumshot directly into your open mouth.
Eye Candy: Catching a cumshot square in the eye while watching yourself ejaculate.
Cruel Joke: You’re so horny that you feel like you’re going to shoot a litre of cum, only to discover that all you can muster are a few meager oozings.
Key Stroke: While jacking off at the computer, you accidentally cum all over the keyboard, rendering it inoperative.
Spatter Scatter: Jacking off in such a manner that you don’t care how much you cum or where it lands.
Broadcast-Bating: Posting photos or videos of yourself jacking off on the internet.
Sperm Germ: Any one of a variety of sexually transmitted diseases.
Choking the Queen: Jacking off in rhythm to “Another One Bites The Dust.”
Rapper Whacker: Jacking off while getting into Snoop Dogg.
Punk Spunk: Jacking off while listening to Nine Inch Nails.
Ozzy Osboner: Jacking off while listening to old Black Sabbath music.
Wet Dream: Nature’s way of telling you that you aren’t jacking off enough.
Impossible Dream: What happens when 99 percent of the male population try to give themselves head.
Fly Fishing: Trying to get your dick out of your pants on a cold day.
Chilly Willy: What happens when you jack off outdoors in Alaska.
Navel Jelly: The pool of cum that collects in your belly button after jacking off.
Savage Lust: Jacking off to re-runs of “The Wonder Years,” or “Boy Meets World.”
Home Alone Bone: Jacking off to suggestive photos of McCauley Culkin.
Skyjacking: Jacking off in an airplane lavatory.
Carjacking: (self-explanatory)
Car Pool: What appears on the car seat between your legs after a carjacking.
Car Pool Lane: Cum flowing down the ridge in the car seat so it soaks into the seat of your trousers.
Cum Puppy: Training your dog to lick your dick.
Window Shopping at The Gap: Looking at a guy wearing boxers with the hope of catching a glimpse of his dick when his fly pulls apart.
Trom-boning: Inserting your penis into the bell of a brass instrument.
Clari-nutting: Inserting your penis into the bell of a woodwind instrument.
Tent Pole: Jacking off on a Boy Scout campout.
Drip Flip: Jacking off by rubbing against your pillow, and then turning it over so you don’t have to sleep on the wet spot.
Crunchy Penis Butter: The substance that collects over a period of time on your cum rag.
Cumcorder: The instrument you use to make videos of yourself jacking off.
Cumcorder Disorder: When making a video of yourself jacking off, you short out your dad’s brand new video camera by splattering it with your money shot.
Cockburn: Mistakenly thinking that Deep Heating Rub, Ben Gay, Vicks, or Icy Hot would make good jack off lubes.
Urinalysis: Checking out other guys’ penises that are standing next to you at a urinal.
Metro-bating: Jacking off while riding any form of public transportation.
Master-baiter: Jacking off while in a fishing boat.
Discount Sperm Bank: Any rest area toilet stall.
Graffiti Grapple: Jacking off while reading the naughty words written on any restroom wall.
Raping The Net Nanny: Hacking the software your dad installed on your computer to prevent you from looking at internet porn sites.
Push-Me-Pull-You: Two guys jacking each other off while reading a Dr. Seuss book.
Melon Balling: The act of sticking your penis into a hole cut in a cantaloupe, honey dew, or watermelon.
Numb-Nutting: Jacking off your morning wood with the hand that fell asleep because you slept on your arm wrong.
Motion Lotion, Tube Lube, Joint Jelly: Any lube used for jacking off.
Lickety-Spit: Using saliva as a jack off lube.
Emission Impossible: Jacking off without cumming for an extended period of time, but yet you are determined not to give up after all that hard work.
Nude Jack-Napping: A situation which is sure to make your room mate come home unexpectedly with a couple of guests.
Pole Mole: A small skin blemish on your penis that you’re too embarrassed to have the dermatologist remove.
Luge Spooge: Jacking off while riding on a sled.
Gherkin Jerkin’: Jacking off with a cucumber shoved up your ass.
Penis Colada: Attaching a little paper umbrella to your dick.
Beaner Weiner: Any one of a variety of Latino penises.
Watergate-bate: Jacking off while being recorded by secret cameras placed in hotel rooms.
Pastor-bating: What members of the clergy do while looking at porn.
Erect-ory: The place where Pastor-baters live.
Belly Flop: Pushing your boner away from your body, and then releasing it so it slaps against your stomach.
Toner Boner: Making photocopies of your erect penis.
Rubber Duck: What you do when your buddy throws a used condom at you.
Chicken Fingers: Having every good intention of licking the cum off your fingers while you’re jacking off, but then backing out after you’ve shot your load.
Bunk Spunk: Quietly jacking off in bed in your dorm room while your room mate is asleep either above or below you.
Incarceration-bation: The way a prisoner keeps himself occupied while in solitary confinement.
Willie Wonking: Using chocolate syrup as a jack off lube.
Pearly Swirly: The cum floating in the water after you’ve jacked off in the bathtub.
Mess Hall: What you leave behind after you’ve been eavesdropping on someone having a sexual experience while jacking off outside of their bedroom door.
Jack Splat: What happens when cum hits a tile floor.
Gallop Pole: Jacking off while riding on horseback.
DNA Evidence: What you call your cumshot after watching too much CSI.
Condominium: A dwelling place that requires all residents to have safe sex.
Masturbatorium: Jacking off during a school assembly.
Admiration-bation: Watching yourself jack off in a mirror.
Achie-Wakie Hard: Waking up in the middle of the night with an aching boner so hard that you have no other choice but to jack off so you can get back to sleep.
Cock-a-doodle-do: The design you make by pissing on a snow bank.
Doodle Bug: Trying to piss on a moving spider that has made its way into the urinal.
Penis-Kinesis: The ability to make yourself ejaculate using nothing but mind control.
Mind Blowing: The ability to make someone cum by just thinking about giving them head.
Boner Banter: The words you mutter under your breath while you’re jacking off.
Jingle Balls: What happens when you fondle Santa’s testicles.
Frilly Willy: What happens when someone is circumcised with a pair of pinking shears.
Kumquat: A semen-producing fruit.
Dock Cock: Jacking off while sitting on the edge of a jetty or pier.
Cummerbund: The place where you wipe your semen after you’ve jacked off in a tuxedo.
Waiter Bater: Hoping that your server in a restaurant remembered to wash his hands.
Waiting Bating: Jacking off in the examination room while waiting for the doctor to come in.
Patient Load: What you leave behind in the examination room after doing a “waiting bating.”
Ascot: Having someone surprise you while you’ve got your pants down around your ankles.
Flag Pole: Decorating your penis with red, white, and blue body paint.
Bi-sexual Redneck: The ability to jack off using either hand.
Spy Sperming: Jacking off while secretly watching someone else jack off.
Evacuation Bation: Jacking off in the car while stuck in traffic leaving the Florida Keys before the “big one” hits.
Fabrication Bation: Making your own masturbation sex toys.
Soft and Genital: Fucking a folded towel fresh out of the dryer.
Block Buster: Jacking off in the restroom of a video store.
