Long term relationships

[joninliverton]

Well as promised on the Scott on CPB thread, I was wondering what is the recipe for making long term relationships (ltrs) work, and how do you manage to survive the rigours of everyday life, homophobia, and what appears to be normal gay issues such as other guys hitting on your fella or even you.

Again congratulations to David and Eddie on 18 years together, but I guess its been hard. I'm not sure what the USA attitude is or was towards gay relationships. From chats to older gay guys in the UK, attitudes have certainly changed in over here. As I said, I was in a relationship for 18 months which ended 12 months ago. We were far too young but I thought I was in love until the rat went off with someone else. I am now older and wiser and won't jump into a LTR for some time now. Unless Casper gets his butt over here of course.

 

[Denny Bear]

Well Jon you asked a very good question in the secret of longevity in relationships. Lord knows I have seen countless numbers of our peers fall in and out of permanent romances that never seem to last more then 6 months. While we don’t actually have an accurate starting date, roughly speaking my partner and I have been together for around 29 years. Have there been any bad times? Oh you just a shitin! We have knocked holes in the walls before and have determined that life aint worth living if you can’t have a decent fight now and then. We still do it to this day but the meds have helped a lot in that respect. There has even been a time or two where one or the other of us has started to leave but within 30 minutes who ever left magically comes dragging back scared to death at the thought of not having the other one. Even though we fight a bit we both know that we are together to stay and God help anyone that tries to change that. It is morbid to say but we have even made funeral arrangements so we know we will always be together. We live in Iowa and yes we have seriously considered tying the knot but our tax benefits are slightly better if we don’t. I really hate that to as I really would like to do it. So I know we have that secret but I am not sure I can tell you what it is. I know it involves unconditional trust and the good sense to know that no matter what the hell your fighting about it is not more important then the whole of your relationship. Every couple fight, it is just the fools that don’t know when to quit doing it. Life is just more important then what channel your going to watch on TV or when you’re going to mow the yard. As I said there also has to be that unconditional trust. You have to believe in each other to the point that it don’t matter who they are hanging around with or what they are doing because you just know in your heart when they are done they are coming home to you. I obviously look at porn web sites all the time and my partner knows it although he is not overly interested. He also knows I do it just for fun and usually laugh at how nervous the models are during a scene. As for interaction with the outside world we are old folks and there fore grew up when it was NOT ok to be gay. In fact we never told a sole until just a few years ago. If anyone would like more info on that just ask me other wise I won’t make this much longer. I am however sincerely pleased at how much the world has changed toward us in the last few years. We are basically out now and I can’t tell you how much better it feels. If you are not for God sake find some one to help you cope with it. The feeling of a free life is far too great to waste.

 

[joninliverton]

Great post Denny love xx wow 29 years, is that a record on the forum ? I quote you "Every couple fight, it is just the fools that don’t know when to quit doing it. Life is just more important then what channel your going to watch on TV or when you’re going to mow the yard." It is very true indeed, toward the end of my brief LTR my ex was arguing about such things which he had never done before. It was this change in his attitude that made me supect he wanted to end the LTR and that he was seeing someone else.

Denny - May you and your partner live long and prosper xx

 

[tightywhitieboy]

i have yet to make a LTR work myself. some of it was normal couple issues, other times a conflict in how "open" we should be. it's hard.... for everyone, gay and straight.

 

[tampa24]

"...other times a conflict in how "open" we should be. it's hard.... for everyone, gay and straight.

That's a real good point TWB. There has to be a real meeting of the minds in how open your relationship is going to be. If you live together will you have a fake bedroom for the sake of company that doesn't know you're gay? Are both of you out to all members of your family, should they want to call by phone or stop by for a visit? Does one want to be able to hold hands in public and the other not? Is one real open about wanting to have public displays of affection? While the other cringes at the very thought of it?

Do both partners want to be able to pass for straight when they are out together in public? Or do they not mind at all about being perceived as a gay couple? I've often wondered how various couples manage that aspect alone of their relationship. And obviously that's just one facet of many that gay couples have to contend with in order to make a relationship work for both parties.

 

[scorpio]

I simply gave up on those

 

[Markymark01]

Wow! Jon, once again you have gotten a thread going with some real meat to it! Thanks for the chance to share.
Carl and I are going on six years together now, and as another forumite said, you aint just shittin! Both of us have been hit on by others, and I would say that the one consistency we had was telling the other immediately, no lies or prevaracation, just simple truth. We have both been guilty of flirting, but neither of us really wanted who it was we were "chasing", it was really more about the excitement of the chase, and the shock of discovering we could still pull it off!

But the cement in our relationship has to be our committment to making "it" work. The day we exchanged vows, we promised never to let a day go to night without talking out our differences. We promised to always put the relationship first, over everything else.
We promised to stand up for each other, side by side. We promised to laugh at ourselves and with each other. We promised to share all our dreams hopes and ideas. Then we made one more promise. We promised the God we believe in that we would do our best to keep these promises. His Love and support have been key. That's really all
I know.

 

[Denny Bear]

But the cement in our relationship has to be our committment to making "it" work. The day we exchanged vows, we promised never to let a day go to night without talking out our differences. We promised to always put the relationship first, over everything else.
We promised to stand up for each other, side by side. We promised to laugh at ourselves and with each other. We promised to share all our dreams hopes and ideas. Then we made one more promise. We promised the God we believe in that we would do our best to keep these promises. His Love and support have been key. That's really all
I know.

Thats cool Markymark thanks for sharing

 

[joninliverton]

Wow! Jon, once again you have gotten a thread going with some real meat to it! Thanks for the chance to share.
Carl and I are going on six years together now, and as another forumite said, you aint just shittin! Both of us have been hit on by others, and I would say that the one consistency we had was telling the other immediately, no lies or prevaracation, just simple truth. We have both been guilty of flirting, but neither of us really wanted who it was we were "chasing", it was really more about the excitement of the chase, and the shock of discovering we could still pull it off!

But the cement in our relationship has to be our committment to making "it" work. The day we exchanged vows, we promised never to let a day go to night without talking out our differences. We promised to always put the relationship first, over everything else.
We promised to stand up for each other, side by side. We promised to laugh at ourselves and with each other. We promised to share all our dreams hopes and ideas. Then we made one more promise. We promised the God we believe in that we would do our best to keep these promises. His Love and support have been key. That's really all
I know.

Aw Mark that's brought a tear to my eye. And yes I like to start meaningfull and debatable threads. That's what it's all about. Love to you and Carl from a cold UK xx

 

[slimvintage]

i have yet to make a LTR work myself. some of it was normal couple issues, other times a conflict in how "open" we should be. it's hard.... for everyone, gay and straight.

"Open" in the sense of including other guys in the sexual component of the relationship, right? Not "open" in the sense of "out"?

 

[joninliverton]

"Open" in the sense of including other guys in the sexual component of the relationship, right? Not "open" in the sense of "out"?

What I mean by Long Term Relationship is being together as a couple. It would be very hard to hide a relationship if you were living together. Of course some few people have long term relationships but do not live together - that was my case for the 18mts we were together. The reason was that we were too broke to get a place.

 

[necromancer]

I have been in my relationship now for 6 years. Its not open and very boring and mundane (except in the bedroom). Beforehand, I had a few "bad" relationships. One thing they all had in common, ME! So I had to do some "emotional house cleaning" and face my demons and take a few of the skeletons out of my closest and have a good look at them before putting them back in there.

Essentially, there is a difference between companionship and a relationship. Companionship can be provided by a dog, but when you steer towards a relationship, the superficiality begins to erode. Granted, everyone wants a hot body, a 6 figure income, a beautiful Benz and 10", but what happens when the body starts to go? The job starts Laying off? The Benz is repo'd and the 10" no longer gets hard at night? You got it, that's just "stuff", and when you decide to love the person, it doesn't matter, you simply agree to make it through the rough patch and it makes you that much closer!

When I realized I needed something more than just "stuff", I begin to look at it in terms of things I couldn't live without like "Trust", "Integrity", "compatibility" et. al...

I think once a couple starts to focus on those aspects, the relationship will flourish!


Kylie in OC

 

[hottamales2432]

My partner and I have been together just a bit over four years now. What's always funny to me is if someone had asked before we met whether we'd be the right "fit", I would say not a chance!
I have always liked to think of myself as a straight-acting guy. Very into sports, don't have a lot of gay friends and just go about my daily life. My partner could care less about sports and simply didn't fit those characteristics I was looking for. Now, four years later and married here in Oregon, I don't think I could ever imagine myself with someone else.
You've all talked about having those characteristics you look for in a guy. I think at least for me, it simply comes down to chemistry. We know what the other person is generally thinking and have a lot in common when it comes down to it.
We are both out but neither of us flaunt anything .. that's not our style. While we don't hold hands in public or anything like that, we aren't afraid that someone is going to think we're gay .. we just are who we are.
Does it hurt that a waiter will ask if we need two checks instead of one? Heck no! Call me mean, but I still prefer to be seen as "straight" in this society when I'm out .. I just don't mind the alternative.

Sorry that this is long-winded. I don't write much on here at all but this was a subject I wanted to chime in on.

 

[joninliverton]

My partner and I have been together just a bit over four years now. What's always funny to me is if someone had asked before we met whether we'd be the right "fit", I would say not a chance!
I have always liked to think of myself as a straight-acting guy. Very into sports, don't have a lot of gay friends and just go about my daily life. My partner could care less about sports and simply didn't fit those characteristics I was looking for. Now, four years later and married here in Oregon, I don't think I could ever imagine myself with someone else.
You've all talked about having those characteristics you look for in a guy. I think at least for me, it simply comes down to chemistry. We know what the other person is generally thinking and have a lot in common when it comes down to it.
We are both out but neither of us flaunt anything .. that's not our style. While we don't hold hands in public or anything like that, we aren't afraid that someone is going to think we're gay .. we just are who we are.
Does it hurt that a waiter will ask if we need two checks instead of one? Heck no! Call me mean, but I still prefer to be seen as "straight" in this society when I'm out .. I just don't mind the alternative.

Sorry that this is long-winded. I don't write much on here at all but this was a subject I wanted to chime in on.

Hey dude, that was an excellent post, thanks for sharing. The cheque scenario didn't happen when I had a LTR - we just took it in turns to pay. Also agree about certain boxes you ticked and he didn't so to speak. You are correct about the chemistry being the all important thing, but this only developes after a while, so there has to be some initial attraction. Unless of course you go down the internet avenue, where you get to know each others personalities and feelings online before eventually having the confidence to meet. If you end up dissapointed when you eventually do meet having got on so well during internet chat, then I would say you havn't tried hard enough during the physical meet. Perhaps due to nervousness or too high expectations however, I would have thought you would have at least swapped face pics and perhaps a few video calls.

Interesting subject..

 

[hottamales2432]

Jon,

We didn't actually meet for about two weeks following our initial conversation. I hate to say it, but we met online. I was in the midst of a business trip and just checking the ads. He was looking for a friend and I decided to respond. We first spoke online that evening for a few hours and then by phone for the same. Each night thereafter, we talked on the phone, getting to know each other that way. We didn't actually see pictures of each other prior to our initial meeting.
Now when I talked about him not being my "type", that is true. At the same time, I was getting to know him on a conversational level and liked what I knew so far. Had I just seen him on the street in everyday life, would I have asked him out? Probably not. Good thing I got to know the real person first.

 

[joninliverton]

Jon,

We didn't actually meet for about two weeks following our initial conversation. I hate to say it, but we met online. I was in the midst of a business trip and just checking the ads. He was looking for a friend and I decided to respond. We first spoke online that evening for a few hours and then by phone for the same. Each night thereafter, we talked on the phone, getting to know each other that way. We didn't actually see pictures of each other prior to our initial meeting.
Now when I talked about him not being my "type", that is true. At the same time, I was getting to know him on a conversational level and liked what I knew so far. Had I just seen him on the street in everyday life, would I have asked him out? Probably not. Good thing I got to know the real person first.

Exactly the sentiments I spoke of earlier. A lot of people say initial attraction is important, which I suppose it is if you're out clubbing. However, I prefer your method of getting to know a guy first and if it's online or via txt or phone then so be it. I would not have met without a face pic sent over the phone though because he could have been anyone. There are some real wierdoes out there.

 

[ScottC]

Great post! I suppose if I knew what made a long lasting relationship, I'd have one! I've had several of varying times, anywhere from a year up to 7 years (which happened to be my last one which ended over two years ago). The three things for me that I won't settle for less on are respect, honesty and communication. I believe without those three any relationship is doomed.

Oddly enough I look at my Mom. She was married to my Dad for 30 years until he passed away in '89. Her second husband was with her for about 5 years before he committed suicide, and now her current husband has been with her 6 years. Now barring his passing on, I suspect they'll be together for the rest of their days. With each of them she's had those three qualities as well as patience and understanding, so I learn from her what makes a relationship last.

People look to me for what not to do! all joking aside, I know I have my faults, and I don't make it easy for people, and that's something I'm working on, but until I'm ready, it's Broke Straight Boys and my hand for now.

 

[joninliverton]

Great post! I suppose if I knew what made a long lasting relationship, I'd have one! I've had several of varying times, anywhere from a year up to 7 years (which happened to be my last one which ended over two years ago). The three things for me that I won't settle for less on are respect, honesty and communication. I believe without those three any relationship is doomed.

Oddly enough I look at my Mom. She was married to my Dad for 30 years until he passed away in '89. Her second husband was with her for about 5 years before he committed suicide, and now her current husband has been with her 6 years. Now barring his passing on, I suspect they'll be together for the rest of their days. With each of them she's had those three qualities as well as patience and understanding, so I learn from her what makes a relationship last.

People look to me for what not to do! all joking aside, I know I have my faults, and I don't make it easy for people, and that's something I'm working on, but until I'm ready, it's Broke Straight Boys and my hand for now.

Scott, your mum or mom as you say over there, sounds like a treasure. Sure she's had some tough times but she's risen above it and moved on. So many people who have lost loved ones just stagnate and eventually don't live too long because of the heartache.

 

[angelone]

My partner and I have been together for 18 years. He's my second partner, my first died of AIDS. My first relationship was purely for sex and fun times. My second is out of love. Gave up alcohol and bars and concentrated on relationship issues - how to live with someone in a meaningful manner. Most difficult task to learn is to respect boundaries and differences.