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Jokes that are worth at least a smile

Kodieboy

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THE LIE DETECTOR
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
 
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!


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If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

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Can you cry under water?


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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


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Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?


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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


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Why does a round pizza come in a square box ?


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What disease did cured ham actually have?


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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby " when babies wake up like every two hours?


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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


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Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway..


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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat ?


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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?


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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They're both dogs!


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If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vege tables, what is baby oil made from?


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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?


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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?


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Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
 
Thank you for the great laugh.
 
Something that's not a joke, but is definitely a smile maker .....

Carl and I just got back from his doctor's office. His blood tests show his CD4 count is at 748, and he is now "undetectable". So, we're gonna celebrate even before we get to Albequerque for his son's graduation!

Next: has anyone heard how I2in69 is doing today, and hopefully Tampa is feeling better? Let me know if anyone else needs positive energy, cuz I'm chock-full tonight!

Blessings on us all!
 
Something that's not a joke, but is definitely a smile maker .....

Carl and I just got back from his doctor's office. His blood tests show his CD4 count is at 748, and he is now "undetectable". So, we're gonna celebrate even before we get to Albequerque for his son's graduation!

Next: has anyone heard how I2in69 is doing today, and hopefully Tampa is feeling better? Let me know if anyone else needs positive energy, cuz I'm chock-full tonight!

Blessings on us all!

MarkyMark that is awesome. Thank you so much for sharing that great news. :thumbup::waw:
 
Something that's not a joke, but is definitely a smile maker .....

Carl and I just got back from his doctor's office. His blood tests show his CD4 count is at 748, and he is now "undetectable". So, we're gonna celebrate even before we get to Albequerque for his son's graduation!

Next: has anyone heard how I2in69 is doing today, and hopefully Tampa is feeling better? Let me know if anyone else needs positive energy, cuz I'm chock-full tonight!

Blessings on us all!


And they tell us God doesnt love us


yaaaaaaaaa u 2.. big hug your ways
 

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The Pasta Diet and Your Health

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walk pasta da bakery.

2... You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

AND....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

5.. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you bloody well like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
 
Get me a beer

Get me a beer .... befor it starts

If you need glasses im soooooooooooooo sorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry
 

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