Jokes For The Guys To Use On Tour

[parisnoyd]

Miss Jones, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Jones', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl. 'Oh yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?

 

[parisnoyd]

So, this older couple's at a nudist colony eating dinner when the wife says, "Dear, I've got the worst case of heartburn."

The husband says, "You don't have heartburn, your boob's fallen in your soup!".

 

[parisnoyd]

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.. As she bends over the display case to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little oops and prays that a sales person wasn't anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a handsome young salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all the aplomb one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffanys. He politely greets the woman with, "Good day Madam, how may we help you today."
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed the little oops, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

 

[carking1]

My turn

Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey and a Spanish onion?

A: A piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes.

Q: What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs hanging by your window?

A: Curt 'n Rod

Q: If girls with big breasts work at Hooter's, where does a one-legged girl work?

A: IHOP

Two old men were sitting in the rest home. The first one says, "I just feel so old". The second one says, "I feel like a new-born baby. No hair, no teeth, and I just peed myself!"