Jokes For The Guys To Use On Tour

[longtimefan]

When I am in a new place and I feel slightly uncomfortable, I will usually tell a dumb joke to break the ice. That usually gets other people to do the same. What I'm hoping for with this thread is a list of dumb but really funny jokes that the boys can use while touring. A dumb joke is great for those long uncomfortable silences. So here's mine. I hope you all like it.

Q: What did the white rapper say when not one but two houses fell on top of him?

A: Get off me homes.

 

[dande01]

A penguin was on vacation in Vegas during the summer time, he rented a car and the car broke down. In the summer heat the penguin was feeling very uncomfortable so with his broken down car he pulled into a gas station. The mechanic told him it will take a few hours to figure out and fix the car. The penguin feeling very hot (due to the heat) ask the mechanic if there is a place he can eat and cool down. The mechanic told him there is an Ice Cream shop down the road a bit, being a penguin that sounded great and the poor heated up penguin walked to the the ice cream shop. Once he arrive at the ice cream shop it was cool and very comfortable for the penguin. He ordered and ate a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and the penguin had a chance to cool off and enjoy his bowl of vanilla ice cream. The penguin was so delighted and cooled off, he forgot about his car as hours passed by. He ran out of the ice cream store and hurried back to the mechanic.

Once back at the mechanics shop, the penguin asked the mechanic what was wrong with the car, the mechanic turned to the penguin and said, "well it looks like you blew a seal".

The penguin then responded to the mechanic, "Oh! No...I just ate a bowl of vanilla ice cream".

 

[jwglass]

haha i love it!

 

[parisnoyd]

LOL David!

 

[silvercamel]

A penguin was on vacation in Vegas during the summer time, he rented a car and the car broke down. In the summer heat the penguin was feeling very uncomfortable so with his broken down car he pulled into a gas station. The mechanic told him it will take a few hours to figure out and fix the car. The penguin feeling very hot (due to the heat) ask the mechanic if there is a place he can eat and cool down. The mechanic told him there is an Ice Cream shop down the road a bit, being a penguin that sounded great and the poor heated up penguin walked to the the ice cream shop. Once he arrive at the ice cream shop it was cool and very comfortable for the penguin. He ordered and ate a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and the penguin had a chance to cool off and enjoy his bowl of vanilla ice cream. The penguin was so delighted and cooled off, he forgot about his car as hours passed by. He ran out of the ice cream store and hurried back to the mechanic.

Once back at the mechanics shop, the penguin asked the mechanic what was wrong with the car, the mechanic turned to the penguin and said, "well it looks like you blew a seal".

The penguin then responded to the mechanic, "Oh! No...I just ate a bowl of vanilla ice cream".

Stick to finger fucking Dave. (Insult is the protocal when you hear a dumb joke)

 

[longtimefan]

David, I liked your joke. I thought it was funny.

I was hoping we would get more than two jokes for the boys. Maybe we can keep adding them on ourselves until other people start contributing.

So here's more...

Q: What is a myth?
A: A female moth.

Q: What did everyone on the Enterprise catch?
A: Chicken Spocks.

Q: What do you call a Phillipino contortionist?
A: A Manila Folder.

Q: What is a polygon?
A: A dead Parrot.

and then there's all "the guy with no arms and no legs" jokes...

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
A: Russell

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of your door?
A: Matt

Q: ...in a pool?
A: Bob

Q: ...in a boil?
A: Lance

 

[longtimefan]

This is my first attempt at starting a thread, but it's not a very successful one. It's either a bad topic or lots of bad feelings toward me. I must have alienated more people than I realized. The thread is being ignored. That makes me sad...and I used some of my best material, like "Get off me homes" and "Lance".

 

[joninliverton]

This is my first attempt at starting a thread, but it's not a very successful one. It's either a bad topic or lots of bad feelings toward me. I must have alienated more people than I realized. The thread is being ignored. That makes me sad...and I used some of my best material, like "Get off me homes" and "Lance".

Hey dont get too upset, you only started the thread today and a lot of people are working. I'm not very good at telling jokes but there is another joke thread on the main section.

 

[jwglass]

im not a very good joke teller...impromptu insults are my specialty!

 

[longtimefan]

Hey dont get too upset, you only started the thread today and a lot of people are working. I'm not very good at telling jokes but there is another joke thread on the main section.

Jon, you're a sweetheart. Thanks.

 

[joninliverton]

Jon, you're a sweetheart. Thanks.

My ex used to say that until he went over with a dog lol.... check out the other thread.

 

[SayWhat]

im not a very good joke teller...impromptu insults are my specialty!

Me too! High five!!

Do you play-insult people when you're flirting? I'm so bad about that...

 

[tampa24]

My ex used to say that until he went over with a dog lol....

As in bestialty? haha

 

[longtimefan]

Okay you guys, I have another one:

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a dyslexic person?

A person who doesn't believe in dogs.

 

[joninliverton]

Stephen Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparentley she stood him up...

 

[longtimefan]

Stephen Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparentley she stood him up...

Hahahahahaha!!! LMFAO! That's funny John. Do you have any more?

 

[parisnoyd]

WHEN TO START CUSSING!


A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.



The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing."



The 4 year old nods his head in approval.



The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."



The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.



When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.



WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.



His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"



She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

 

[longtimefan]

WHEN TO START CUSSING!


A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.



The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing."



The 4 year old nods his head in approval.



The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."



The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.



When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.



WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.



His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"



She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

parisnoyd, hilarious man, really funny. I actually laughed out loud, not just a little chuckle, but a full on laugh. I don't know about you, but it takes a lot for me to laugh out loud. Very few things make me do that. Thanks.

 

[longtimefan]

Q: What did the mother buffalo say to her teenage boy when he left for college?

(Wait for it. Wait for it.)

A: Bye son.

 

[longtimefan]

Q: Did you hear about the polish lesbian?

A: She liked men.