Handling Finances in Relationships

[tampa24]

Hey Guys,

I was wondering how those of you who were or are in long term relationships prefer to handle your finances. Who thinks that if a partner wants to pool both incomes into a joint account that you should go running and screaming in the other direction? Who thinks that it's not a bad idea with the right person? Who thinks that buying a house together is okay but prefers to keep separate accounts at the bank?

I'd like your input on this as I have not been in long term relationships and I would truly like the benefit of your experiences. Do you guys think it works well to split the common bills down the middle? Or set up a system where one pays the rent or mortgage and the other pays the utilities? Have any of you made a mistake where a boyfriend or partner was able to clean out a bank account?

I am genuinely curious about these issues for my own future reference when I get into a relationship. And quite honestly I'm hoping for some good conversation out of the topic. I'm tired of talking about only porn. The mind gets restless after a while. If some choose to just give an opinion on how they think money issues should be handled in a relationship that's fine of course. If some want to tell personal stories of the benefits and pitfalls of different courses of action, that's great too.

 

[tucsonjayce]

Hey Guys,

I was wondering how those of you who were or are in long term relationships prefer to handle your finances. Who thinks that if a partner wants to pool both incomes into a joint account that you should go running and screaming in the other direction? Who thinks that it's not a bad idea with the right person? Who thinks that buying a house together is okay but prefers to keep separate accounts at the bank?

I'd like your input on this as I have not been in long term relationships and I would truly like the benefit of your experiences. Do you guys think it works well to split the common bills down the middle? Or set up a system where one pays the rent or mortgage and the other pays the utilities? Have any of you made a mistake where a boyfriend or partner was able to clean out a bank account?

I am genuinely curious about these issues for my own future reference when I get into a relationship. And quite honestly I'm hoping for some good conversation out of the topic. I'm tired of talking about only porn. The mind gets restless after a while. If some choose to just give an opinion on how they think money issues should be handled in a relationship that's fine of course. If some want to tell personal stories of the benefits and pitfalls of different courses of action, that's great too.

Tampa, my friend, you've just walked into a hornets nest. LOL

Mikey and I have separate accounts (with the other being a signer/co-owner) and joint accounts. We also don't hold most things in our own name, but rather in a trust. The trust is divided into three parts: yours, mine and ours. Our wills simply say that everything outside of the trust goes into the trust upon our death.

Most of the money paid out goes thru my accounts. Mikey manages one credit card and his checking account on his own - although I am the one who balances/reconciles his accounts more often than not. So I guess you can say we mix our money. We have an unofficial rule that if you are going to spend more than $150 dollars you need to talk it over with the other (exception to rule: presents for the other party).

I've done the split it half down the middle thing and that's alright if both of you have lots of money or at least are making money in the same range. When one makes substantially more than the other it can be a problem.

My last two relationships have had "mixed" money. The one prior to Mikey lasted 7 years. I did resent the fact that he was earning a wage and never paid for anything. I can remember once where he bought groceries and wanted to be reimbursed. I told him he could pay for the groceries, he looked at me like I had horns. Of course I knew he had more money in his checking account than I did. At first I didn't mind carrying the load as he had debts from his divorce (she thought he was str8, Please mary tell me it isn't so). But when his debts had been paid, I felt he should contribute to the common welfare, he did not. I owed him for taking care of me when I was ill. Now that really pissed me off as I believe that taking care of your partner is part and parcel of being in a relationship, not a monetary transaction. BTW he was HIV+ as well. Needless to say we broke up and he still thought I owed him (I did pay his rent and car insurance for 6 months, gave him the car, took him shopping for the things he needed in the kitchen, bought him a TV, and gave him $8,000). He still wanted more. Needless to say he didn't get it. He passed away a couple of years ago. We were not on good terms, not bad terms, just not good in the end. Mikey says that I did the one thing that John couldn't stand, I survived. Apparently it was well know around town that John was going to be well off when I kicked the bucket.

Mikey is totally different. All he has is put into the pot and that's the way he likes it. There is no ill will about the fact that I bring home 4X as much as he. When my mother met him and got to know him she told me two things regarding Mikey 1) I HAD to buy him diamond earrings for Xmas and 2) He was a keeper.

I hope we can have a spirited discussion about this. As you said, the is more to the forum than just porn.

 

[tampa24]

Hey Jayce,

You are quite right about the different issues involved when one partner brings in much more income than the other. The balance of power in a relationship if often decided by who earns more. The one with more money is likely to decide where they go on vacation, what kind of car to buy etc.

Your last partner had a sense of entitlement that he wasn't going to shake. Greed does terrible things to people. If I had been in his situation I would have been very grateful to have been thrown a life preserver while I recovered from debts. Once my own debts had been paid off I would have been eager to contribute more to the common household expenses. That's what a grown man does. He pays his way in life. Instead he used rationalizations that allowed him to keep all of his own money to himself and try to justify getting even more of yours. I've heard of many people who had the philosophy of "What's mine is mine...What's yours is ours." I've known of quite a few straight marriages like that.

I'm so happy to know you are in a relationship with a wonderful guy who appreciates and takes good care of you. Nobody wants to feel like they are being treated like a meal ticket. And certainly nobody wants to fell that their partner is keeping track of every good deed they do for their beloved partner so that they can derive some future compensation.

 

[Kodieboy]

Peter and i have our own accounts and everything is split down the middle but, i still feel we should talk more when buying certain items, im happy with what i have as long as it does what i need it to do...... Peter likes the best of everything and loves to update ........ He loves to spend......... frankly i hate it,if we didnt have to eat i wouldnt step foot in a shopping center..

I hate updating Tv's stero's and my pet pev of all COMPUTERS .... lets face it i dont care about the lateset video cards ... blue ray burners faster rams ... but he does... its just very costly ...... im hoping one day his mother will grow up and leave home .. and we will have enough for a nice long holiday that will be booked the same day i hear she is leaving.

But if he keeps spending the way he is becoming acustomed i can only see half a holiday taking place, and i want to strangle him sometimes ..... i know its his money he is spending and i should not let it bother me ..... but i was always taught that u save for a rainy day, you never know whats around the corner.

And sometimes his live for today attitude is hard to swollow ...... i just want to yell at him none stop...... But he knows how to shut me up ...... so it just goes in circles lol

 

[Jayman01]

Hey Guys,

I was wondering how those of you who were or are in long term relationships prefer to handle your finances. Who thinks that if a partner wants to pool both incomes into a joint account that you should go running and screaming in the other direction? Who thinks that it's not a bad idea with the right person? Who thinks that buying a house together is okay but prefers to keep separate accounts at the bank?

I'd like your input on this as I have not been in long term relationships and I would truly like the benefit of your experiences. Do you guys think it works well to split the common bills down the middle? Or set up a system where one pays the rent or mortgage and the other pays the utilities? Have any of you made a mistake where a boyfriend or partner was able to clean out a bank account?

I am genuinely curious about these issues for my own future reference when I get into a relationship. And quite honestly I'm hoping for some good conversation out of the topic. I'm tired of talking about only porn. The mind gets restless after a while. If some choose to just give an opinion on how they think money issues should be handled in a relationship that's fine of course. If some want to tell personal stories of the benefits and pitfalls of different courses of action, that's great too.

Wow, I agree with Tucon this is quite a hornet's nest. I believe that every situation will be different and need to be judged on a case by case basis. If Gays could legally Marry in all 50 states this would be much easier to handle.

I do feel that it is OK to purchase a home together if you really love each other and you are in a long term romance that has lasted at least 7 years or more. Keep in mind you must be ready for long term commitment to make this decision. There are many things to consider. Living wills, what happens if you break up. These two need to be decided before making a purchase and agreed to in writing. Secondly, I would recommend that each person start their own individual savings account once the house is owned. Two reasons, one if one or the other needs to enter into a nursing home the nursing home will insist on selling your partner's share of the home or that the whole home be indebted to them.

Sometimes heterosexual laws can work to our favor in this case. Never ever sign your partner into a nursing facility under your own signature. Secure power of attorney and be sure to sign all documents (POA). My mom's cancer became very aggressive and suddenly spread rapidly. This left her about a week of life left. At first the Dr's argued that she was not competent to appoint me POA. The hospital needs to cover their own ass when it comes to your loved ones. They cannot perform procedures and prescribe medicine without family consent at this point. They do not want a malpractice suit. Trust me on this. At first they ruled that She was incapable of signing legal documents assigning me POA. When the whole family spent two days sitting around her and refusing to sign any documents. Everyone said when she is declared competent to make her son POA he will be glad to sign the documents. After a day an a half and them being powerless to make any major decisions suddenly two doctors stepped forward and said she could make me POA. I am not heartless folks. My mom was told it was terminal and that she had two weeks to a month to live. She never got around to doing the paperwork because she was afraid the Dr. would leave her out of decisions. Finally she felt the need so I brought out the paperwork. Her condition was terminal and she did not want to be a lab rat. She wanted to be kept comfortable and with family until she passed.

Signing as POA, releases you and all of your assets from becoming the property of the nursing hoome...

I recommend maintaining separate accounts and creating one joint account for paying bills until the mortgage is paid. I believe if you can last the length of a mortgage then consider just having one joint account.

 

[Markymark]

Well, Carl and I started out with separate evrything, accounts, expenses,and for a year or so, even shelves for food in the fridge. Then my mom got to know him, I got to know his family, and we decided it would be forever. (In fact, we were partnered, and then we married two years later, as soon as it was legal. At that point, the issue of trust made us decide to comingle everything. He got put on the bills and the accounts. The wills, (estate and living), protect each other, and clearly lay out all matters concerning our estate. (Who gets what, final wishes, medical authorities, etc.) Even the insurance beneficiaries are spelled out. We also went the step of eliminating the prenup we originally had.

Do I worry? I did at first, thinking maybe he would change his mind, grab the money and run, but he has proven himself over and over. We both believe in a Higher Being, we don't lie, we love each other, and our now combined family.

People often ask how we met. We met online in a Gay Dads Chat Room. We chatted for weeks and weeks. One evening, after talking about some tough job I needed to complete, he typed a secret phrase from his fraternity, having learned that I had been in the Greek system in College. Thing was, I recognized the phrase, we had been in the SAME Christian based Fraternity, different chapters. I think you guys can imagine the rest of the story. Even our parents think it was fate!

Thanks Tampa, for giving me a chance to share allthis, I hope it wasn't too boring! LOL!

 

[tampa24]

Well, Carl and I started out with separate evrything, accounts, expenses,and for a year or so, even shelves for food in the fridge. Then my mom got to know him, I got to know his family, and we decided it would be forever. (In fact, we were partnered, and then we married two years later, as soon as it was legal. At that point, the issue of trust made us decide to comingle everything. He got put on the bills and the accounts. The wills, (estate and living), protect each other, and clearly lay out all matters concerning our estate. (Who gets what, final wishes, medical authorities, etc.) Even the insurance beneficiaries are spelled out. We also went the step of eliminating the prenup we originally had.

Do I worry? I did at first, thinking maybe he would change his mind, grab the money and run, but he has proven himself over and over. We both believe in a Higher Being, we don't lie, we love each other, and our now combined family.

People often ask how we met. We met online in a Gay Dads Chat Room. We chatted for weeks and weeks. One evening, after talking about some tough job I needed to complete, he typed a secret phrase from his fraternity, having learned that I had been in the Greek system in College. Thing was, I recognized the phrase, we had been in the SAME Christian based Fraternity, different chapters. I think you guys can imagine the rest of the story. Even our parents think it was fate!

Thanks Tampa, for giving me a chance to share allthis, I hope it wasn't too boring! LOL!

Not a chance my friend! That was not boring at all. I like it when we share things that allow us to get to know each other better.

 

[Jayman01]

Well, Carl and I started out with separate evrything, accounts, expenses,and for a year or so, even shelves for food in the fridge. Then my mom got to know him, I got to know his family, and we decided it would be forever. (In fact, we were partnered, and then we married two years later, as soon as it was legal. At that point, the issue of trust made us decide to comingle everything. He got put on the bills and the accounts. The wills, (estate and living), protect each other, and clearly lay out all matters concerning our estate. (Who gets what, final wishes, medical authorities, etc.) Even the insurance beneficiaries are spelled out. We also went the step of eliminating the prenup we originally had.

Do I worry? I did at first, thinking maybe he would change his mind, grab the money and run, but he has proven himself over and over. We both believe in a Higher Being, we don't lie, we love each other, and our now combined family.

People often ask how we met. We met online in a Gay Dads Chat Room. We chatted for weeks and weeks. One evening, after talking about some tough job I needed to complete, he typed a secret phrase from his fraternity, having learned that I had been in the Greek system in College. Thing was, I recognized the phrase, we had been in the SAME Christian based Fraternity, different chapters. I think you guys can imagine the rest of the story. Even our parents think it was fate!

Thanks Tampa, for giving me a chance to share allthis, I hope it wasn't too boring! LOL!

MarkyMark this was excellent. It came from your heart and it came from living it. You don just talk the talk in life you walk your walk too. Bless your heart for sharing so openly that we can all learn a thing or two.