Dating sites...

[Milla79]

As an attempt to meet a man, I took a huge step forward and suscribed to two dating sites.
I don't know if I showed myself in a good light or if my ad is good enough. I'm really not at this stuff.
I'm always sick and stuff and I've never ever kissed a guy so I feel like I'm putting myself on the spot there...
Men expect women my age to be experienced or t least to hav had relationships at ome point.

After like 2 weeks, I chatted with a guy and offered to talk about by email where I told him the truth when he asked me about my last relationship. For me, the best policy is honety but I don't know if it applies to dating dites.

I chatted via email with that guy who seemed cool, we had some stuff in common. We grabbed a coffee in a public place. He wanted me to get to his place and since I had never even seen him, I refused and he agreed for the coffee.
He was nice but I felt uber nervous, it was my first date after all. After the coffee, he wanted to go grab a drink. At first, I refused, I had a huge migraine but didn't want to let him know, then, I agreed and on our way to a bar, he actually starting counting his money and told me, he barely had enough for a drink for him. I jumped in and offered that we meet another time. He agreed.
The following day, he sent me an email sying how surprised he was that I cut short to the date so quickly since we seemed to have hit it off. He said, he wanted to ask me to continue the date at his place but was afraid to scare me away.
Fact is, I probably would have said yes if I felt comfortable with him but I realized, in retrospect, that I didn't.
First of all, he wasn't really my type physically. I tried to overlook that but there were other things, like the fact that he spent the whole time telling me how amazing, surprising and unusual my situation was. He made me feel like a zoo animal on display.
Then, there's the fact that he insisted on meeting on that day but yet didn't offer to pay for the coffee and of course, the whole, I don't have enough money to buy a drink, knowing that he was insisting to go grab one.
There's also the fact that he spoke really really loudly and of course , the fact that when I thought, I'd give it another try and suggested a diner and a movie, he said he prefered a more intimate place, like his place. I didn't feel comfortable at all with him so I let him down gently. I was iin no hurry to see him again, so I knew that as desperate as I am to meet someone, settling is not the best thing, is it?
I feel like I deserve something. When we met, it was jut before my birthday, which he knew, yet he only said happy birthday and didn't offer to do a restaurant...

Ok, guys, what do you think of all this and in general of dating sites?
Will you be willing to help me in my pursuit of finding a man?

 

[Beth]

As an attempt to meet a man, I took a huge step forward and suscribed to two dating sites.
I don't know if I showed myself in a good light or if my ad is good enough. I'm really not at this stuff.
I'm always sick and stuff and I've never ever kissed a guy so I feel like I'm putting myself on the spot there...
Men expect women my age to be experienced or t least to hav had relationships at ome point.

After like 2 weeks, I chatted with a guy and offered to talk about by email where I told him the truth when he asked me about my last relationship. For me, the best policy is honety but I don't know if it applies to dating dites.

I chatted via email with that guy who seemed cool, we had some stuff in common. We grabbed a coffee in a public place. He wanted me to get to his place and since I had never even seen him, I refused and he agreed for the coffee.
He was nice but I felt uber nervous, it was my first date after all. After the coffee, he wanted to go grab a drink. At first, I refused, I had a huge migraine but didn't want to let him know, then, I agreed and on our way to a bar, he actually starting counting his money and told me, he barely had enough for a drink for him. I jumped in and offered that we meet another time. He agreed.
The following day, he sent me an email sying how surprised he was that I cut short to the date so quickly since we seemed to have hit it off. He said, he wanted to ask me to continue the date at his place but was afraid to scare me away.
Fact is, I probably would have said yes if I felt comfortable with him but I realized, in retrospect, that I didn't.
First of all, he wasn't really my type physically. I tried to overlook that but there were other things, like the fact that he spent the whole time telling me how amazing, surprising and unusual my situation was. He made me feel like a zoo animal on display.
Then, there's the fact that he insisted on meeting on that day but yet didn't offer to pay for the coffee and of course, the whole, I don't have enough money to buy a drink, knowing that he was insisting to go grab one.
There's also the fact that he spoke really really loudly and of course , the fact that when I thought, I'd give it another try and suggested a diner and a movie, he said he prefered a more intimate place, like his place. I didn't feel comfortable at all with him so I let him down gently. I was iin no hurry to see him again, so I knew that as desperate as I am to meet someone, settling is not the best thing, is it?
I feel like I deserve something. When we met, it was jut before my birthday, which he knew, yet he only said happy birthday and didn't offer to do a restaurant...

Ok, guys, what do you think of all this and in general of dating sites?
Will you be willing to help me in my pursuit of finding a man?

Always keep your options open! You never know when you are going to meet someone who makes you feel special even though you are just being yourself. Also, go with your gut; if it isn't right, don't fake it. I would use a dating site if I wanted to; it's simply a way of connect with a person through the internet. As well, "if you want to meet a clown, go to the circus;" basically, whatever type of person you are looking for, that's where you need to go.
Well, that's my advice, scattered as it may seem.

 

[grace17]

Hi Milla, I think as long as you stay as safe as possible, which you seem to be doing, there is absolutely nothing wrong with trying to find happiness through dating sites. A former work colleague of mine found his wife that way and they've been happily married for many years.

A good marriage or life partnership can set you free, but I've also watched good people wither and and lose themselves in a marriage that just isn't right, so take your time. There are far worse things than being alone and being alone doesn't necessarily mean you have to be lonely.

While you wait for the 'Right' person to come along be sure to nurture yourself and other relationships within your life. Then when you do meet someone he'll be drawn to the richness of your life and not the other way around.

 

[joninliverton]

I personally think dating sites are a good idea because you can choose to set things at your own pace. Generally, if you meet a person at a bar, first time conversations can lead to unwanted sex, especially if you've had some drink. However, you on dating sites you can choose how long you want to woo your fella or woman and take things at your own pace. Of course, don't take take things too slowly or he may get cold feet and find someone else. lol

 

[tampa24]

Hi Milla,

I'm so glad that you stood your ground. Just because you're a virgin doesn't mean that you have to settle for any man who comes along and drops hints that he's willing to have sex with you. You have every right to maintain high standards in any man you want to date or have sex with.

I know that chivalry is still alive in France. Here in the U.S. very very few adult men in their 30's would dream of inviting a woman out and expecting her to pay her own way. If you invite a lady out for coffee, the man pays for both of you. Or he's not much of a man. If he invites you out for a drink or a meal, then he should expect to pay for both of you. You know yourself that you were seeing many red flags warning you to stay away from this guy. He sounds like a user. How convenient for him that he might get sex from a woman (and take her virginity) while his only investment in building a relationship with her was one date that amounted to some conversation and the cost of one cup of coffee. (His own)

Throw him back in the ocean. He's not a keeper. Keep looking for someone who will treat you with respect and kindness. And yes. You are very deserving of both.

 

[Milla79]

Thank you all for your replies!
This guy still contacts me from time to time, asking if I met someone or how I'm doing. When I said that I didn't think we were looking for the same thing, he said, I was hard to understand and hoped I would someday find someone half as understanding and patient as he is!
This coming from a guy who had a lazy eye and with other flaws,,,
Am I supposed to settle for the weird looking guy who speaks too loudly, just because I'm not a prize myself? (What with my inexperince and health issues...?).
I mean, is that too much to ask for a nice guy who will t least ask out and pay for the coffee, food, or whatever?
Another site, I unscribed from, actually offered me to spend the night at an hotel, without us having even met. When I told him, he was going way too fast, he replied that it was true but that at the same time, it was a great way to get to know each other!!! LMAO...

PS: Tempa, at the time, I asked a trusted male coworker his opinion and he almost said word for word what you said. He told me to let the loser go, that I deserved better and the guy should be ashamed for asking me out and not pay the small bill!

 

[rrhill]

Again, that's why it's important to love yourself enough, so that you don't get to be somebody's puppet. The man you want may not be the man you need...

watch: http://video.today.msnbc.msn.com/today/50705507/#50705507

 

[Milla79]

So you agree that I deserve better than this guy?

 

[cumrag27]

When is enough really enough!

Again, that's why it's important to love yourself enough, so that you don't get to be somebody's puppet. The man you want may not be the man you need...

watch: http://video.today.msnbc.msn.com/today/50705507/#50705507

Dear Robert,

Long time since we connected! Concerning the above video from 'THE TODAY SHOW", all I know (as a decidedly gay man) is that Kathie Lee Gifford(blond) REALLY SUCKS! She is so very obnoxious I simply cannot stand to see her motor-mouth in operation dominating all conversations on the set. No wonder her husband used to cheat on her! I FULLY BELIEVE KATHIE'S CONSTANTLY DEMANDING TO BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION GIVES WITNESS TO HOW PROFOUNDLY SHE LACKS A HEALTHY SELF-CONFIDENCE AND HOW DEEPLY MANIC AND/OR PSYCHOLOCALLY OFF BALANCE SHE REALLY IS! HAVING THIS "CERTIFIED NUT-CASE" AS KOTB'S DAILY ON-SCREEN PARTNER, ONE WOULD HAVE TO WONDER...WHAT HORRIBLE CRIME MUST HODA KOTB HAVE EVER DONE TO DESERVE SUCH VERBAL BABBLE. ALL I HEAR IS THE HYSTERICAL RANTINGS COMING FROM KATHIE LEE'S OWN MOUTH!

It is amazing that any subject discussed on this show can make any sense after KATHIE LEE puts her worth in every discussion!

Please Robert, don't take this personally. I have a thing against Kathie Lee Gifford and I always change the channel when I hear her loud mouth!


Sincerely,


Stimpy

 

[BenBen]

I am happy you got out of it. Milla remember men are dogs. There are so many men who will do or say anything to get what they want, sometimes it takes awhile to figure out what kind of man you're talking to. When you have that first meeting to make sure he's not a total weirdo set a time limit, tell yes you can meat but only for 30 minutes. You can always extend the time if you want to but it's a good out. With these short coffee meets I think it's best if each of you pay for yourself, you don't want him to pay for you because some men think you owe them even if it's just coffee.

As a big man who can take care of himself I don't have a problem going to someone's home or inviting them to mine. I'm sorry if this sounds sexist but as a woman I'd be much more cautious. I wouldn't go home with a complete stranger until I felt completely comfortable with him. I think it's different if it's someone you meet at work or church or through a friend.

Beth is right listen to your gut if it feels off or weird that feeling is almost always correct. Although I started having oral sex at an early age I was around 25 the first time I had intercourse and I made a mistake with the first man, I didn't listen to my gut and it was not a good experience. It was so bad I waited a year before I did it again and that time was incredible.

I'm on a couple of sites and the only thing I can say is I have to wade through a lot of dreck to find someone decent.

I wish you the best of luck and I do agree with you that honesty is the best thing to do but remember a lot of other people aren't honest, don't forget to check the guys finger for a wedding ring or a white circle where the ring was because a lot of married guys go on dating sites.

 

[Milla79]

I am happy you got out of it. Milla remember men are dogs. There are so many men who will do or say anything to get what they want, sometimes it takes awhile to figure out what kind of man you're talking to. When you have that first meeting to make sure he's not a total weirdo set a time limit, tell yes you can meat but only for 30 minutes. You can always extend the time if you want to but it's a good out. With these short coffee meets I think it's best if each of you pay for yourself, you don't want him to pay for you because some men think you owe them even if it's just coffee.

As a big man who can take care of himself I don't have a problem going to someone's home or inviting them to mine. I'm sorry if this sounds sexist but as a woman I'd be much more cautious. I wouldn't go home with a complete stranger until I felt completely comfortable with him. I think it's different if it's someone you meet at work or church or through a friend.

Beth is right listen to your gut if it feels off or weird that feeling is almost always correct. Although I started having oral sex at an early age I was around 25 the first time I had intercourse and I made a mistake with the first man, I didn't listen to my gut and it was not a good experience. It was so bad I waited a year before I did it again and that time was incredible.

I'm on a couple of sites and the only thing I can say is I have to wade through a lot of dreck to find someone decent.

I wish you the best of luck and I do agree with you that honesty is the best thing to do but remember a lot of other people aren't honest, don't forget to check the guys finger for a wedding ring or a white circle where the ring was because a lot of married guys go on dating sites.

Thank you so much for your advice and sharing your own experience. It means a lot to me. What you said isn't sexist and you're right in that if it was a guy I was comfortable with, like someone from work... I would have gone to his place.

 

[Beth]

So you agree that I deserve better than this guy?

EVERYONE deserves to be truly love and respected, but the key is to love and respect yourself, first!

 

[Milla79]

EVERYONE deserves to be truly love and respected, but the key is to love and respect yourself, first!

I know... I know... It's so hard to do though...

 

[Buckeye1]

Dear sweet Milla (I can call you that since we are friends now)

All of the above advice is excellent and comes from the heart, I'm sure. The best of it is TAKE YOUR TIME. Mr. Right always seems to show up when we are not looking for him. While you are waiting, enjoy your life and as another of my dear friends, Grace, has said, being alone does not mean you have to be lonely. I, too, have health issues so I have to spend the majority of my time "home alone." I actually don't ever get lonely...... I always have my forum friends close by.

So don't try so hard trying to be someone you're not......just be yourself as you are here. You seem like a lovely person and I'm sure someone will see that in you and accept you as you are. He is the one you are truly looking for.

 

[Milla79]

Dear sweet Milla (I can call you that since we are friends now)

All of the above advice is excellent and comes from the heart, I'm sure. The best of it is TAKE YOUR TIME. Mr. Right always seems to show up when we are not looking for him. While you are waiting, enjoy your life and as another of my dear friends, Grace, has said, being alone does not mean you have to be lonely. I, too, have health issues so I have to spend the majority of my time "home alone." I actually don't ever get lonely...... I always have my forum friends close by.

So don't try so hard trying to be someone you're not......just be yourself as you are here. You seem like a lovely person and I'm sure someone will see that in you and accept you as you are. He is the one you are truly looking for.

Thanks dear friend... Your words warm my heart... *on the brink of tears*
I don't always feel lonely, mostly, because I have my dad and sister (whom I'm living with), the people from this forum and the tv shows I so thoroughly enjoy. I also have some great twitter friends.
I'd love it if people could me through the yes of my twitter friends and through your eyes guys because they see me like a stuck up bitch.
I also tend to stay alone at work, because I'm quite ill at ease with other people and really have almost nothing to talk about nd feel myself uncomfortable because they kerp talking about sex, or their kids....

 

[Milla79]

Ok, since I unsuscribed to a site, I joined another one instead promoted a lot on TV.
I'm chatting with a guy who's quite funny and lives in the same city as I do. I'll let you know how it goes soon...

What should I say if he asks about my last or previous relationships?? I'm freaking out and afraid to scare him off!!

 

[grace17]

Milla, I left home a month after I turned 17 and I felt very alone in the world. My goal was to make a family of my own where I was surrounded by love and everything would be eternally rosy. Of course, what I actually found was a very different thing.

Because of my age I had to stay out of any hint of trouble otherwise the fact that I was on my own would come to light, which probably kept me on the straight and narrow when things were tough. The people who helped me the most in those lonely early years were other people like myself; people who just didn't quite 'fit' for one reason or another. They gave me gifts of empathy, compassion and endless kindness, but I still longed to be loved and to have my own dream family.

I looked, I searched and I waited until I finally gave up. I decided I'd remain single, and changed my searching for love to giving love and immersed myself in helping others whenever the opportunity arose. A couple of years later, soaking wet after getting caught in a rainstorm I was calming a highly strung runway model at a charity show and I looked up and met my future husband.

Sooooo....here I am, many years later, very happy and surrounded by love.

Milla, my point is good things can happen when you least expect it, so relax and try and enjoy what you do have and don't focus too hard on what you don't have.

btw, the helping others thing...I'm no angel, I'm as flawed and can be as selfish as the next person. I just try to balance the bad with some good, sometimes I get it right and sometimes I don't

 

[grace17]

Ok, since I unsuscribed to a site, I joined another one instead promoted a lot on TV.
I'm chatting with a guy who's quite funny and lives in the same city as I do. I'll let you know how it goes soon...

What should I say if he asks about my last or previous relationships?? I'm freaking out and afraid to scare him off!!

Remember you don't have to answer every question he asks. I think its bad manners to discuss previous relationships when you're getting to know someone, so the subject may not come up. If you do get to know him better, then you have to tell him the truth, but it isn't necessary to go into great details. Besides, there's no shame in looking for love online or being a virgin.

A touch of vulnerability can be a positive...

 

[tampa24]

I am happy you got out of it. Milla remember men are dogs. There are so many men who will do or say anything to get what they want, sometimes it takes awhile to figure out what kind of man you're talking to. When you have that first meeting to make sure he's not a total weirdo set a time limit, tell yes you can meat but only for 30 minutes. You can always extend the time if you want to but it's a good out. With these short coffee meets I think it's best if each of you pay for yourself, you don't want him to pay for you because some men think you owe them even if it's just coffee.

Ben is quite right Milla.

All men are dogs. haha It's also true that you should probably pay for your own coffee when you first meet a man. One thing I'd say though is that it would very polite of him to offer...even if you decline and pay for your own. :0 That's the gentlemanly thing to do. That way there is no way that he can try to put any guilt on you that you owe him something in return. Then you have more time to size him up and decide if he's decent, if you like him and if he is trustworthy.

 

[Beth]

Ok, since I unsuscribed to a site, I joined another one instead promoted a lot on TV.
I'm chatting with a guy who's quite funny and lives in the same city as I do. I'll let you know how it goes soon...

What should I say if he asks about my last or previous relationships?? I'm freaking out and afraid to scare him off!!

No biggie, just tell him that until you get to know him better, you'd rather not talk about the past, but, the future. Then diffuse with a joke or quip about the place you two are at. Most guys will take the hint and be willing to "move on." This was true of Steve and i; I didn't want to tell him I was a whore, not until I was ready to prove it to him. hehehe