Poem... Advice please?

[kham]

Hey guys, not been around overly so this week, had a hectic week but it's settling down a bit now so I plan to spend the next day or so catching up on what I've missed lol.

I have a request though, for those among you who appreciate poetry, I'd like you to have a read at this *points down the page* and let me know what you think. It's for a friend's birthday on Sunday and it's a friend who is very important to me, he's straight and we don't cross any boundaries, but we do care for each other a lot and I wanted to write this for him but I'm worried it comes across as *too strong*. Anyway I'll stop rambling and hope that you guys may have some good advice.


To you,
I say these words
Though they do not say
The things I want to say
They say these things
That words can say
They miss the things
That my heart does sing
The things I feel
The smiles you give
The love that you have
The things which are real

For you are pure
For you are bliss
And with that lure
I long for just one kiss

I know this is true
You mean the world
You mean everything
To one lost soul
To one who cares
No matter what
No matter who
You’ll always have
A friend who loves
A friend who cares
Yours always,
Kham x

 

[tampa24]

The only part that teeters on the line for such a good friend is the word "kiss". Although it doesn't rhyme I considered the word embrace. But even that may have suggestive undertones.

Without knowing the person and his personality it is a tough call. But I think all the rest of it is fine. If I were him I would feel honored and blessed to have such a poem written to me.

 

[vicekid]

The only part that teeters on the line for such a good friend is the word "kiss". Although it doesn't rhyme I considered the word embrace. But even that may have suggestive undertones.

Without knowing the person and his personality it is a tough call. But I think all the rest of it is fine. If I were him I would feel honored and blessed to have such a poem written to me.

Kham,

What a beautiful poem. I do agree with the distinguished Tampa that the word "kiss" may be crossing that "boundary" you mentioned. Only you know him as to how he might respond. While Tampa's embrace is one option, perhaps Hug is another to consider.

I've done something similar with my "best" straight friend and I know how far I can go. Whatever you do, let us know what you finally decide upon and what happened.

Live Long and Prosper,

Vicekid

 

[kham]

Thank you guys, I will play around with the kiss part to see what else I could perhaps make it. Part of me feels he would be fine with it but there is a part of me that worried that was edging to the line and possibly crossing it lol.

I will be sure to let you know how it goes either way on Sunday.

 

[Jayman01]

I love the poem... Tampa and Vicekid make some great observations. However; to me the word kiss seems to fit OK. It could maybe use a little more development to build it up to transition it a little more. But hey it is your poem and your feelings. That makes it perfect whole and complete just the way it is...

 

[LesterM]

I would be honored to receive that poem If he knows you , he will understand

 

[slimvintage]

dumb suggestion a)

For you are pure
And you are bliss.
For such allure
This brother's kiss that
I'm so sure you
Wouldn't miss.

dumb suggestion b)

For you are pure
And are such bliss
That your allure
Requires a kiss

(Fraternal kiss
That you won't miss)

That I'm so sure
You wouldn't miss


These are a bit "rhymey" but they take the sexual edge off the kiss you're going to give and/or get the next time you meet. But I like yours better and if you think he'll be fine with it, don't hesitate.

 

[denver0102]

I love the poem! I thought it was great

 

[kham]

Well guys, let me just say thank you all for your amazing support and feedback! It was greatly appreciated.

After a bit of editing and changing things about... I decided to go with what I originally wrote lol. I know, talk about a typical drama queen, but yeah after reading the comments here and talking to another friend I decided that I should use the words I originally wrote since they came from my heart and that was the aim of the game lol.

Anyways, it was a great success, he loved the poem and the sentiment. Thanks again guys.

 

[Jayman01]

Well guys, let me just say thank you all for your amazing support and feedback! It was greatly appreciated.

After a bit of editing and changing things about... I decided to go with what I originally wrote lol. I know, talk about a typical drama queen, but yeah after reading the comments here and talking to another friend I decided that I should use the words I originally wrote since they came from my heart and that was the aim of the game lol.

Anyways, it was a great success, he loved the poem and the sentiment. Thanks again guys.

Kham that sounds like it was a wise choice.

 

[slimvintage]

Well guys, let me just say thank you all for your amazing support and feedback! It was greatly appreciated.

After a bit of editing and changing things about... I decided to go with what I originally wrote lol. I know, talk about a typical drama queen, but yeah after reading the comments here and talking to another friend I decided that I should use the words I originally wrote since they came from my heart and that was the aim of the game lol.

Anyways, it was a great success, he loved the poem and the sentiment. Thanks again guys.

I think you can almost tell when you've got something really right, so going with your version was obviously a good move.

What about the kiss, how did that go?

 

[vicekid]

Kham,

Generally speaking your first instinct will always be the best. You know your friend and what "came out", in the poem, was natural and true to your friend and your relationship with him. You just needed some moral support, which, hopefully we were able to provide.

Now of course we all know about your skills as a poem writer. Does that mean that one day, after you get to know us better, we all might get "special" poems?

Live Long and Prosper

Vicekid