Have you ever fell in love with a friend?

[BrokeStraightBoys]

So this is my super long and personal story and even though everybody I know has heard it I thought I would share it with you guys to get your opinion on it. This is actually the short version of the entire story lol.

So my best friend and I started hanging out a lot in 2009 after we both went through some really tough breakups. In 2010 things were pretty much amazing and we spent just about everyday together. We were passionate about all the same things, were easy going, had amazing communication. I mean just about everything was there that should be. We had such a perfect time together and little did I know I was falling for him. In May 2010 I realized that I was falling for him and he found out. He told me how amazing and wonderful I was but he wanted to just remain friends because he didn't feel the same. So we went on being best friends and doing everything together. 2010 was the most amazing year of my entire life and that was because of him. In my mind he was my boyfriend and I treated him like one. So we went to Yellowstone in September 2010 and everything just went perfectly. We had such a great time together and we just fit together perfectly. I mean if you can take a trip with someone and not fight once or anything that is really good lol. I was talking to one of my friends when I came back and realized I had fell in love with my best friend. So I told my best friend how I felt but he said the same thing. So we went on being best friends. Thanksgiving night we were both drunk in the pool and I started kissing him. He was hesitant and I asked him why. He said he didn't want to confuse me. I told him there was no way he would confuse me. So we started made out passionately and this song came on Not giving up on love. It was by far one of the most perfect moments in my life. We looked into each others eyes and kissed more. Then he stopped and said he wasn't ready. So this really confused me lol. For Christmas I went out with him to spend it with his family. Once again we had an amazing time and his entire family loved me. I was so in love with him and in my mind he was my soul mate. I have never felt anything like this before even though I had been in love many times before. It was kind of weird because he didn't love me back but I continued treating him like he was my entire world. For Christmas I made a scrap book of our amazing adventures in 2010 and the last page said 2011 with an arrow to the next page. On that page it said I was taking him to the Grammy's in February. So we come back and I had dinner with a mutual friend and she said I should go all out at the Grammy's. I was like what do you mean and she said he had to feel something for me and I should do something romantic for him. I'm a hopeless romantic so it seemed like a great idea and in my mind if I did this I at least gave it everything I could. So I take him to the Grammy's put us up in an amazing hotel. The Grammy's were great and we went back to the room which fell on Valentines Day. I had him unlock the door and there was rose petals all the way from the door to our bed. On our bed there was roses shaped in a heart with candles everywhere and his favorite wine. I also wrote him a poem and told him we were getting massages the next day. The poem said how amazing we were together and how much I loved him. I told him friends make the best lovers. He started crying and said this was the most amazing and beautiful thing anyone has every done to him and he didn't deserve it. I told him he did deserve it and how happy he made me. He said he was probably the stupidest guy for saying this but he said the same thing once again that he didn't have those feelings for me. He told me I was the most amazing guy he has every met and all that. So I was ok with all this until we got on the plane then I completely lost it. After that moment nothing was the same. I tried so hard to be friends with him but my feelings would always get in the way. I told him we should just date and even if we break up at least we gave it a shot because life is too short. He thought about it but still wouldn't budge. Around July he wanted me to go to Yellowstone really bad with him again. He was being a little weird but I wasn't sure if I should go because I was afraid my feelings would get all mixed up more. So I didn't end up going but later found out that he realized he did actually have feelings for me and was going to tell me in Yellowstone. He said he was going to tell me in Yellowstone and see where it went from there. We talked more about everything and he said we wasn't ready so it got really confusing. t told him this was really going to complicate our friendship. So things got really tough and we stopped talking to each other. We didn't speak to each other for 6-7 weeks. It was the most awful time of my life. I became incredibly depressed because I didn't know if we would ever talk again. I barely talked to my other friends and it was a very dark time of my life. I thought about contacting him but he said he needed space so I didn't feel like I should give him that space and not contact him. Well he contacted me and we met and I told how badly he hurt me. He said he had no idea not talking would hurt me so much but he didn't know what else to do. I told him I still had feelings for him but didn't want to be with him anymore. A few days later I left for LA to work on the gay drama and was gone for 5 weeks. It pretty much saved my life because it helped me get out of that very depressed state I was in. So needless to say things haven't been good. I feel like I lost my best friend and the guy I fell in love with. He told me over and over that he had no feelings for me, then he said he wasn't ready, then he said he did have feelings for me and now he said I've always been a friend and that is where he wants us to be. So at this point I actually feel like he isn't the right guy for me because the right guy would of said yes and I finally realized there is things he is missing that I want in a guy. But with that being said it is really tough to be friends with him. If he says something it can set me on an emotional roller coaster. I told him things are never going to be like they once were. I don't know how I can be friends with him without those feelings getting in the way of our friendship. I have no desire to be in a relationship with him anymore. I have talked to all my friends about this and read online that once someone falls for a friend that friendship is over in almost all cases. Has anyone had something like this happen to him and what do you suggest I do? Thanks for reading....

Mark

 

[JLipps4u]

Mark,

What a beautiful, albeit tragic, story. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for sharing this with us.

It is true, the friendship will never be the same, but in time, you will be able to share a deep and loving friendship again. This time, you will both love each other, but it will be a different kind of love. And, 20 or 30 or 4o years from now, you will be so glad that you were able to maintain that friendship. And, it will mean more to you than you can ever imagine. It will be difficult at times, and your feelings will resurface, but save the friendship at all costs. You will be so happy that you did!

And yes, I speak from experience. My best friend and I lived through this, and survived. I fell in love with him and he did not feel the same. Then, he fell in love with me, and I did not feel the same. And even through time and distance, we somehow managed to keep our friendship alive. That kind of friend is priceless!

Your story brought a tear to my eye and a longing for my friend, so, I called him up and we spoke on the phone till just 2 minutes ago. We laughed, we cried, we relived so many memories. It was so cathartic.

I think we have probably all had a similar love, an unrequited love. A love that transcends time. Don't waste your energy lamenting what was not, but rather, give thanks for what was. There are poor souls amongst us, who never experience that kind, or any kind of love. Embrace it and be happy and proud that you had that opportunity.
Remember, a man is not measured by his accomplishments, or his misfortunes, but rather by his ability to find strength and good from his misfortunes.

May patience and courage be your mentors! Again, thanks for sharing.

 

[peterh6308]

I agree that everyone falls at least a little bit for our best friend, after all he/her is our chosen best friend. My friend and I met in our early 20s, we had everything in common. The clothes we wore, the sports we liked and played, the music (well most of it), Similiar places we worked etc. But the difference in us was I was Gay and he was straight. After a couple of years I told him that I've fallen in love with him. At first he laughed it off and how "gay that sounded" but I told him thats how I feel. One night we were shooting pool and he asked what it was like having sex with a guy. Well we were both pretty buzzed and we ended up back at my house and messed around. I was lucky, this didn't hurt our friendship at all but made it stronger. He wanted to have kids, so he did and I got to be there when they were young and continue today as their both teenagers (i'm uncle peter). We spent 20yrs together as best friends/partners until he passed away a couple of years ago with complications with diabetes. He never slept with any other man but me, he would say "thats a real friend"lol I miss him so much, but the cliche is true "time does heal". I am now in my mid 40s and have no desire to be in a relationship. So I guess my 2 cents to you Mark is figuring out is this guy worth it to you. Will he eventually give you the love back that you deserve. Life is very short and we have to do what ever we can to be happy. Love yourself and you will make the right decision.

 

[cumrag27]

Life choices we face...

I agree that everyone falls at least a little bit for our best friend, after all he/her is our chosen best friend. My friend and I met in our early 20s, we had everything in common. The clothes we wore, the sports we liked and played, the music (well most of it), Similiar places we worked etc. But the difference in us was I was Gay and he was straight. After a couple of years I told him that I've fallen in love with him. At first he laughed it off and how "gay that sounded" but I told him thats how I feel. One night we were shooting pool and he asked what it was like having sex with a guy. Well we were both pretty buzzed and we ended up back at my house and messed around. I was lucky, this didn't hurt our friendship at all but made it stronger. He wanted to have kids, so he did and I got to be there when they were young and continue today as their both teenagers (i'm uncle peter). We spent 20yrs together as best friends/partners until he passed away a couple of years ago with complications with diabetes. He never slept with any other man but me, he would say "thats a real friend"lol I miss him so much, but the cliche is true "time does heal". I am now in my mid 40s and have no desire to be in a relationship. So I guess my 2 cents to you Mark is figuring out is this guy worth it to you. Will he eventually give you the love back that you deserve. Life is very short and we have to do what ever we can to be happy. Love yourself and you will make the right decision.

Dear Peter6308,

Those were touching and compelling heartfelt words. We all must realize the challenge life presents to us and something we must all face is that life is not always on our terms. But, we have the ability to make adjustments and adaptations in our life and still have a degree of happiness. Best Wishes to you, Peter, in your journey!


Sincerely,


Stimpy

 

[tampa24]

What an amazing story Mark. Thank you for sharing that with us. It is at once so heartwarming and heartbreaking. I am very happy that you at least had those trips and those life experiences with him where the stars were aligned so well and everything seemed so right with the world. Some people never get to experience even that much joy for a day, a week or a month.

I am not one to presume to give you relationship advice with my limited experience. We have all been there though with having crushes and even feelings of unrequited love with straight friends. For me they either didn't turn out well or left me feeling unfulfilled...or both. And of course it was for all the obvious reasons. I always wanted more than they were willing to give. Whether it was me wanting them to be more available emotionally, sexually or just from a standpoint of non-sexual physical intimacy...they just weren't there to meet my other needs beyond great friendship. It's one thing that totally sucks about the gay experience.

For straight people they have 9 out 10 people of the opposite sex as potential mates. If they get a few no's and kiss a few frogs along the way of life they can still rest assured that there are plenty more fish in the sea. When we as gay people have serious health issues and/or bring our own baggage and our own wonderful strengths, talents and virtues to the table...we have to find someone in only 10% of the population who can be a wonderful match for us. The relatively tiny pool of potential mates is very frustrating. Nobody, gay or straight, wants to feel like they are "settling" when seeking something as important as a monogamous (or even an open) relationship.

Indeed, when we meet even a straight person who truly accepts us for who we are (and vice versa) it just seems like an incredible stroke of good fortune. And it is! The "but" though of course is that there's always the same dilemma. Issues of sex and intimacy are either very limited or non existent. It can happen that there will be a sexual relationship in rare cases. But the likelihood of a monogamous long term same-sex relationship with a predominantly straight man is very remote. And of course all of us deserve better.

So while I can't offer you much in the way of advice Mark...I can say that as someone who has dealt with similar obstacles to your circumstances in finding a perfect mate (that I won't go into) and being a Scorpio...and being gay...that in many ways we are kindred spirits. I feel your pain my brother. I know where-from you speak.

 

[peterh6308]

Thank you Stimpy!! I have told my story many times but never wrote it out. I agree life isn't always easy but strongly believe it is what you make it. Our happiness is never guaranteed, so you have to make the best out of every situation and live positive.

 

[mikeyank]

I agree that everyone falls at least a little bit for our best friend, after all he/her is our chosen best friend. My friend and I met in our early 20s, we had everything in common. The clothes we wore, the sports we liked and played, the music (well most of it), Similiar places we worked etc. But the difference in us was I was Gay and he was straight. After a couple of years I told him that I've fallen in love with him. At first he laughed it off and how "gay that sounded" but I told him thats how I feel. One night we were shooting pool and he asked what it was like having sex with a guy. Well we were both pretty buzzed and we ended up back at my house and messed around. I was lucky, this didn't hurt our friendship at all but made it stronger. He wanted to have kids, so he did and I got to be there when they were young and continue today as their both teenagers (i'm uncle peter). We spent 20yrs together as best friends/partners until he passed away a couple of years ago with complications with diabetes. He never slept with any other man but me, he would say "thats a real friend"lol I miss him so much, but the cliche is true "time does heal". I am now in my mid 40s and have no desire to be in a relationship. So I guess my 2 cents to you Mark is figuring out is this guy worth it to you. Will he eventually give you the love back that you deserve. Life is very short and we have to do what ever we can to be happy. Love yourself and you will make the right decision.

I can certainly relate to your story Peter, as I would imagine most of the men on this site can as well. I've fallen deeply in love with straight friends, over and over. I rarely said the words to them, but I do believe that they all knew how I felt about them.

Your story is special, because your friend was willing to, as you said, "mess around" with you, and of course your story is so sad for he died at such a young age.

I'm not clear on Mark's friend's sexuality. If he is gay, it's a different situation, than if he is straight. But unrequited love definitely sucks, whatever his sexuality.

 

[tampa24]

Mikey is right and I might have taken Mark's post out of context based on the ones that followed. It's quite likely this friend is gay but only a friend. While my response may not tie in directly to Mark's situation with this particular friend, I think I still made many points that will resonate with him.

 

[jayshaw]

Mark, Iam sorry to read about your sad experience with your friend. I haven't been in a similar situation. I have been in a very,very,long monogamus gay relationship and my partner and I fell in love with each other at the same time. I never fell in love with a friend, although I had many crushes on guys when I was in school. Nearly all of them were straight and not interested in me. I have an opinion concerning friends, whether they are straight,bi,or gay. A friend should bring joy to your life. They should not be a disruptive influence. If you can be friends with the guy, without becoming emotional and upset each time you see or talk to him, then I say go for it. If on the other hand, the reverse is true I think you should make a clean break,put all of emotions behind you and go on with your life. Life is too short to have your emotions constantly jerked around. Perhaps I can be called naive or a hopeless romantic, but I have always believed that a persons soulmate is in the world somewhere just waiting to connect with us. Some of us find our soulmate quickly and live a happy life. For some it takes longer. Some people never find their soulmate and still live happy lives, content to live alone. Mark, Don't stop looking. I wish you happy hunting and the very best in life. Jay

 

[BrokeStraightBoys]

Thanks for all the replies. My friend is gay I've known him for 9+ years. I finally figured out that he is self absorbed and it's all about him. He has been that way since we met but I didn't realize it as much until the past few years. I was in denial for the longest time about that but now I realize that he is that way. I'm very much the opposite and I'm always thinking of others. After my last breakup all my friends said I should find someone as giving as I am. I mean who wants to be with someone who almost always thinks about themselves anyway.

 

[jayshaw]

Mark, Iam glad your friends gave you some good advice. It's good to know that you know that you need to move on in your life. I wish you the best of luck and as I said in an earlier post, happy hunting. Jay

 

[peterh6308]

Thanks for all the replies. My friend is gay I've known him for 9+ years. I finally figured out that he is self absorbed and it's all about him. He has been that way since we met but I didn't realize it as much until the past few years. I was in denial for the longest time about that but now I realize that he is that way. I'm very much the opposite and I'm always thinking of others. After my last breakup all my friends said I should find someone as giving as I am. I mean who wants to be with someone who almost always thinks about themselves anyway.

Well Mark i'm so happy you realized his major flaws before things got way to seriously. Thats when the pain would have been unbearable. I think I read people pretty well, so i'm guessing you are a from your posts a caring, loving, reliable, giving and 1 flaw you put yourself 2nd! You have way to many gifts to settle for a self absorbed jerk. This will hurt for awhile, and you will second guess your decision, but try and be strong and listen to your head and not just your heart. Hang in there bud, hugs from Seattle.

 

[scorpio]

Thanks for all the replies. My friend is gay I've known him for 9+ years. I finally figured out that he is self absorbed and it's all about him. He has been that way since we met but I didn't realize it as much until the past few years. I was in denial for the longest time about that but now I realize that he is that way. I'm very much the opposite and I'm always thinking of others. After my last breakup all my friends said I should find someone as giving as I am. I mean who wants to be with someone who almost always thinks about themselves anyway.

Mark, you don't know how happy I am to hear you finally say this I know how much in love you were with him and how much you got hurt by him too. I always told you that you deserved someone else better. Someone who would love you back without you having to keep asking that person. You're an amazing man, and you deserve all great things in life. I think you learned a lot from that adventure, and that it'll help you find and meet an amazing person whom you'll write a great love story with

 

[tampa24]

Thanks for all the replies. My friend is gay I've known him for 9+ years. I finally figured out that he is self absorbed and it's all about him. He has been that way since we met but I didn't realize it as much until the past few years. I was in denial for the longest time about that but now I realize that he is that way. I'm very much the opposite and I'm always thinking of others. After my last breakup all my friends said I should find someone as giving as I am. I mean who wants to be with someone who almost always thinks about themselves anyway.

Very true Mark. You gave us a few clues to that in your description of the course of events. The trip to the Grammy's was a perfect example of how you and your financial generosity showed him an absolutely wonderful time. With your companionship what wouldn't there be to like about a trip like that? I don't know if you were subconsciously trying to buy his affection and maybe his love, but it sure seemed like you were doing most of the giving and he was doing most of the taking. If I have that wrong, I apologize.

If any of us are in a financial position that's stronger than the person whose attention or love we seek, there is the temptation to rationalize the generosity for too long. In the beginning if money helps to get more time together than the other person can afford...then why not? (That part can even be true of straight or gay friendships.) The thinking goes that if we can just spend more time together that he/she will see what a wonderful person I am and what a great couple we would make together. In matters of love at least, if it takes a little bit of money to woo a person we are crazy about, then the end justifies the means.

If it drags on for too long however we start to see that we are being taken advantage of and it's time to bow out and back away before we feel like we have humiliated ourselves and been taken advantage of. It's not a healthy situation to be in. It reminds me of that old saying, "The one who cares the least is always the one who has the most power in a relationship."

You deserve better Mark. Blake deserves better. We all deserve better. Nobody wants to settle for less than the near perfect relationship. We sell ourselves short if we spend too much time pining away over a lost love or a relationship that obviously had some major flaws and didn't meet our needs. Did I mention that we all worthy and we deserve much better than that?

 

[Ms. Kianna]

I had a best friend for years that turned everything around to be all about her. The friendship really took its toll on me, and it took years to realize that no contact was the best way to go.

You deserve far better than that MARK. In some things you really do have to put yourself first.

.........I know this great, unselfish, guy named STEVE................

 

[angelone]

Yes, I fell in love with my best friend in college - St As in Manchester, NH. I loved him - I still do!- but he never loved me in "that way". I was devastated when he told me and even more devastated when he slept with someone I considered a creep - a predator priest! He's happily married now to an ex-priest (he's also an ex-priest) and finally came out to his family. I love him then and I still love him now. He was my first love eventhough he never thought of me as his first love. I wonder at times about him thinking what if this happened instead of what did happen; but all that was in the past and I just glad that we each found our own path through life and survived. Does it still hurt - you bet it still hurts!

 

[BrokeStraightBoys]

Mark, you don't know how happy I am to hear you finally say this I know how much in love you were with him and how much you got hurt by him too. I always told you that you deserved someone else better. Someone who would love you back without you having to keep asking that person. You're an amazing man, and you deserve all great things in life. I think you learned a lot from that adventure, and that it'll help you find and meet an amazing person whom you'll write a great love story with

Aw thanks Steve that is so nice of you to say. I hope we both write a great story someday.